What's Under Your Dresser?

Yesterday at church we had college Sunday. The college ministry was in charge of leading the whole service, and my college pastor gave a message...one that really convicted me. Cliff note version of the sermon: When Jeff (my pastor) was younger, one particular night at bed time he was paralyzed with the gripping fear that whatever was under his dresser was going to decapitate him or come out guns/swords/blades flinging the moment his eyes shut to go to sleep. After much deliberation about his options on getting out alive, he managed to get his parents to come in to stop the villain. Turns out his terrifying assassin under his dresser was a pair of jeans he had worn the previous day.

He used this as an illustration as a parallel to our lives, and how sometime so small can be terrifying, and that gripping fear can stop us from pursuing God wholeheartedly, or stop us from following the path He has prepared for us. So, naturally the question was raised "What fear is keeping you away?" And then several college students brought a physical item that was representative of their fears, and they were scattered across the alter so that people could respond to God through prayer, near the items that were representative of their fears.

There were several different fears, ranging from public speaking to disappointing loved ones, and future uncertainty to exhaustion. That got me thinking....if I were asked to bring a physical item representing what stops me from being all that God has for me, what would it be?


A brace.

Having MD is hard. There are no easy days. I have to work twice as hard just to keep up with people on their slow days. A lot of the time I wonder how God is using me to glorify Him. How can I, ME, do anything to further His great, pleasing, and perfect plan? I'm just a broken person who has a disability. I don't feel worthy enough to be included in something so amazing. But regardless of my imperfections, Christ is shown through them and shows His strength in an even bigger way. I don't know what God's plan for me is. I don't know how He is going to use me for His kingdom.....but I do know that He will.

So the question is....what is under your dresser, that's holding you back?

How Thick is the Ice?

This verse and story were the basis of my devotion this morning, and it really made me think...hopefully it speaks to you as well!

Philippians 1:12-14 (The Message) "I want to report to you, friends, that my imprisonment here has had the opposite of its intended effect. Instead of being squelched, the Message has actually prospered. All the soldiers here, and everyone else, too, found out that I'm in jail because of this Messiah. That piqued their curiosity, and now they've learned all about him. Not only that, but most of the followers of Jesus here have become far more sure of themselves in the faith than ever, speaking out fearlessly about God, about the Messiah."

Their cabin was on the river across from the general store. The only crossing was a full day's journey down stream in the best of weather, but with this early winter snowstorm the trip would be totally impossible. The pioneer life was new to them and they had fared pretty well until the sickness sweeping through their little community touched his beloved wife, Lillian. Time was short and he knew he had only two options: he could stay by her side until the grim reaper gathered her into his arms, or he could risk crossing the river on the ice to the store to get the medication needed to save her. But he knew nothing about ice. Would it hold his weight? Could he make it to the other side and back in time? What to do? Better to give his life trying to save her than to see her suffer so terribly until death. He kissed her tenderly, stoked the fire, and softly closed the door as he left the cabin.

He stretched himself out on the ice, thinking that distributing his weight evenly would be the best way to assure himself that he could crawl across. Even tiny creaks terrified him. He just knew the ice was breaking! When he was only a few yards out there was this horrible noise! The ice! It's cracking! I can't make it! It's all over for me! God take Lillian quickly, please. Don't let her suffer.

The noise came closer and he held his breath waiting to be crushed and thrust into the icy waters. But when he looked up, there was this wagon full of wood pulled by two stout horses galloping across the ice! He jumped up and down, shouting for joy and ran across the river...and they lived happily ever after.

Why was he jubilant? Why this sudden burst of confidence? What changed his fears to joy? Seeing someone else cross the ice before him, with a lot more weight than his.

God knows us intimately. He knows every hurt, every joy. He lets us see others facing circumstances like ours or even more stressful, and how they overcome. He lets a wagon full of wood pulled by 2 huge horses gallop by and we say "They did it! They made it! It's safe! Praise God!" And we jump for joy! Why? We still have to cross the river on the scary ice, but someone has gone before us and proven to us just how thick the ice is.

He gives us encouragement. He gives us strength. He says "You have seen Me bring them safely through their crisis. Trust Me. I will do it all for you."

Those words, though easy sounding and perhaps cliche, carry a lot of weight. Something I've been struggling with a lot - letting Him do. He will do it ALL for me. And you. Not part of it, or give you a push in the right direction...He will do it ALL. He already has and continues to on a daily basis. We are standing on ice so thick that nothing can break it, and someone (you may never know who) is jumping for joy as they see you thundering across the frozen river. Not only is this illustration encouraging and comforting because I am yet again reminded that nothing can separate me from God, and that no crappy thing I go through will be the end of me because I have Him. But it's also convicting. When I'm going through situations that are hard, and require me to be forged in the fire, do I lay down hoping to slowly crawl across - or do I trust in the unbelievable power of my God? When others see my life and the situations I go through, are they jumping for joy that I am running freely across the river, or are they terrified as I try to do it alone and crawl slowly? Do people see Christ in my life? Do they see me overcoming my situations through His strength?

Think about that today.

Love language.

Everyone has a love language - a way they both express love to others, and feel love from others. Some (like me) have more than one. If you don't know what yours is, a really quick and easy way to find out is taking this quiz. It's a website and quiz produced by the author of the 5 Love Languages book, and it takes like five minutes for the quiz, but well worth it. Understanding how to connect with other people through their love language can quite literally change your relationship with them entirely, making it so much closer than you can imagine!

All this to say....I have 2 very high scores...physical touch, and quality time. People who know me know that this is how I live my life in every aspect. I am an extremely huggy person, and I love spending time with those closest to me. When someone wants to spend time with me, or we graduate from just saying hi to saying hi with a hug, I feel amazing! All this to say...love languages shape each person in a particular way. It's how they want to be comforted in hard times, it's how they want to celebrate in the good times.

One particular friendship, a lifelong one, weighs heavy on my heart tonight. I wish so much that I could just get this person to understand what their actions are doing to everyone around them...yet all they see is themselves. It's incredibly frustrating, upsetting, unnerving, and about 500 other words. Yet through the anger and tears....I found myself praying for God to just hold me...pause...

Side story. You know how on Christian radio stations during commercial breaks they have audio of callers saying that they were going through X event, and they turned on the radio to hear a song that was absolutely perfect for the moment? That's never happened to me. In secret, I always wished it would. I mean what an incredible moment of a God-incidence (not to be confused with a coincidence). Like an audible way for God to speak to you. Well...tonight, I got that moment.

And no lie a few minutes after that prayer...this song came on. It's a brand new song from a brand new artist, a song that has probably on been on the radio a few times. I personally had never heard it. But it was so perfect and is everything I'm thinking right now. I'm tired of being angry. I'm tired of useless frustration that does nothing but makes it worse on my end. I just want to be held. How lucky am I, that I have a God whose arms are ALWAYS open, and ready for me to run into?

Restless.

Anyone who knows me well knows I don't sit still well. I feel like this has been a pretty major problem in the last fifteen months specifically....both physically and spiritually. My mentality in everything I do is to do it my best, and to do it like everyone else....to excel past everyone's expectations for me. I want to be at the optimal level of activity that I still can be, for as long as I can. Because at some point, some vague point in time, I won't be able to anymore. Even in the past couple months I've notice significant loss. (I blogged about it here if you need a refresher) And the last 3 surgeries that I've had in the past year have led to a combined time of about 6.5 months of non-weight bearing time. Major suckage. When I tell some people that I'm on bedrest or what not, or am not allowed to get up, the most common response I get is "I wish I had the excuse to not do anything" or "I'd love to have people wait on me"....which I guess makes sense, but frankly makes me really frustrated. I would give anything to have a body that isn't failing, and so many people take it for granted...anyways, another subject for possibly another time.

But when I am forced to do nothing but sit around I go nuts!! I hate being told I can't do anything. I get restless. Even some days I just get this crazy feeling of not being able to sit still and have to go something, whether it's go grocery shopping or just taking a random drive...just SOMETHING. I get restless. Just like now, I was studying for my midterm, then suddenly found myself scanning for new music and now I'm blogging. I don't think I can ever just do one thing at once. I get restless. A lot of people know I often don't sleep very well. I toss and turn most of the night, and often can't sleep because I can't turn my brain off. It's restless.

I feel like this constant restlessness also translates into my spiritual life, in ways I'm sure of, and some I'm not entirely sure how. I know that my constant restlessness in life needs to be taken to Christ. It's sort of like my last post, and a continuation of that in a way. We're called to take our burdens and worries to Him....including restlessness. I need to find my rest in Him. I have no choice but to find my strength in Him, because I literally can't count on myself to be strong physically, or emotionally for that matter...without His strength I couldn't get through a day. Or an hour. Down to seconds. It's becoming more and more prevalent that I'm being forced to find my rest in Him as well, because I sure as heck can't find it on my own.

Another potential factor of spiritual restlessness could in fact be positive. Really just a thought to throw out there. Could there be a good restless? One of the definitions is being ceaselessly moving and active....isn't that how our walk should be? We're called to never be complacent in our spiritual walk, to always be growing and becoming closer to Him. So do I consistently have that type of restlessness? Something to strive for, for sure.

Here's a song that was sung in church on Sunday that is currently really hitting home. Perhaps it strikes a chord with you as well.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xneqXUuH6U0