No fun.

You know what infection are? Zero fun.

If you read my update note on facebook, you know last night I had to go to the ER because of my hip incision being infected. They numbed up the site and got a lot of the fluid out (A TON). It feels a little better today, but I'm still in a ton of pain. We have to clean it about 3 times a day and change the dressing, and it looks horrible. But I'm definitely not out of the woods yet, because I think it's starting to get worse actually.

I think Tuesday I'm going to see my doctor and he's going to take a look at it. (Of course he's out of town this weekend so he doesn't know any of this is going on). And worst case scenario if they aren't pleased with what's going on then there's a possibility of having surgery on Thursday to get in there and really clean it out. So we'll see what happens.

Really that's all that's going on with me. But infections are really serious, especially with my compromised immune system....so I'm praying this works. I'm taking an antibiotic and it's the size of a horse pill...it's HUGE! The pain is slightly less from last night, so that's good. But I still can't move at all without searing pain...so that's getting really frustrating.

***Disclaimer: If you don't like medical talk, or get queasy, skip this paragraph***
Tomorrow we have to take out the packing in my hip. There's basically like a shoestring in the incision he cut last night, and it needs to be changed. So yes, my incision is open which is a really strange feeling and doesn't make me feel that good either. That's going to be absolutely torturous to take out, and then my mom has to put new packing in it. UGH. Not looking forward to that.


Alrighty friends, talk to you later!

Sunshine.

Today, for the first time in quite some time, I got to go outside. The only times I've been out since my surgery have been to go to the doctor, but that's just going from the car to a building and back...not really enjoying being outside.

But today! Today I got to go out on our courtyard and just sit in the sun and it was absolutely fabulous! I forgot how amazing it feels to just be bathed in the warmth of a sunny day. It's so easy to take for granted something as simple as the sunshine, but I never will again. :)

Hope you're enjoying your summer!

"This is the day the Lord has made; let us rejoice and be glad in it!" Psalm 118:24

The End.

Well, after six incredible seasons and a two and a half hour finale...LOST is over. It's really crazy the international following it has. Even the cast is from all over the world!

I was talking to my best friend tonight, a fellow LOST watcher, tonight as we were watching the 2 hr review with the cast and writers putting in their input, and I was telling her how jealous I was of those writers. I mean I was I had that kind of brain to come up with this incredible show that has so many twists and turns. I mean every single episode I had a least one moment where my jaw literally dropped. It never got old! Such a brillant show, just plain brillant!

AH! I just can't explain how much I love this show. I mean, anyone who knows me well knows my slight (ha) obsession with Gilmore Girls. There is never a time when I'm not cycling through all the seasons, and I can quote any scene from any episode...it's rather sad, I must admit. Yet, I think LOST beats GG! The plot, storyline, attention getting ability of LOST is something that I've never experienced with any other show, and I feel like it will be hard to beat. It's just brillant! I wish there was a better word, but that pretty much sums it up. Brillant.

I really hope these writers start something else after this, with their crazy awesome writing skills who knows what will happen. If you don't watch LOST, then you definitely need to!!!

Update.

Hello world!

I am blogging from my couch! I am now 4 days out of surgery and hanging in there. Being in the hospital for initial pain management was SOOO much better than doing it outpatient like we did last time. The doctor said everything went well and he's really happy with how it went. Now I just have to get through the recovery. I'm still in quite a bit of pain and am still trying to control it, but I'm doing ok overall.

I go back in 2 weeks to get the stitches taken out of my hip and get a cast on instead of my splint, so that's going to be a rough day but it's an important milestone in the process.

I can't thank y'all enough for all the prayers and support. And if you have any anti-boredom ideas I def am listening!! Love y'all!!

Long time no blog!

It's been forever since I last wrote! For the past couple weeks I've actually been busy, which has been such a nice change of pace!

This past weekend I got the chance to go to Houston, which was SO much fun! My main purpose was to attend the FUMC Grad banquet, but along the way I got to see a lot of friends that I haven't seen in SO long, years in some cases! It was so amazing getting the chance to catch up with everyone. I can't believe my gangsters are graduating!! Time flies by so quickly.

The semester is coming to a close, and it's so strange to not have finals or spend all my waking hours studying...wish I was though, as strange as that sounds. But next semester I'll be back! My surgery is now only 4 days away, and I'm now being faced with the reality of the situation and am being presented with all the feelings I've been repressing for all this time. But the Vertical lesson Afshin taught a couple weeks ago helped a lot, so now I will share it with you, in the hopes that it will help you wherever you are.

John 11:1-6,12-44
I Am the Ressurection and the Life

In verse 4 Jesus says that Lazarus' sickness will not end in death, but it is so that the Lord can be glorified through it. That gives me great comfort in a way, that although I have to deal with extra things everyday, that but God will somehow be glorified through it. I am just a small piece of the bigger picture that will lead to His glory. He's just doing something bigger than I can see.

I think it's really easy a lot of times during hard times to blame God. I've heard several times from non-Christians that one reason they don't believe is because if God is so loving, why does He allow bad things to happen to good people? And as Christians, I think a recurring thought process during these trials is "Why doesn't He love me enough to make this go away?" When in reality He does love us, so, so much even in the midst of hard times.

So, let's look at it...

Why doesn't He take me out of this immediately?
God doesn't work on my time table.

Why is God loving when He holds back?
If life were easy, we'd have no need for Him...and when we live for Him our lives have meaning because He is glorified and we are fulfilling our purpose.
When I go through hard times, God is allowing me to be a part of His glory.
Going through trials increases our faith

An interesting thing Afshin said that I never knew before was when he was talking about verse 33 it says that Jesus is "deeply moved" by his friend's death. Afshin said that this word they use several times in the New Testament, but it is always in a different connotation. It's used always in agitation, or when Jesus is scolding someone...yet it's used here, after his friend has died. Why is Jesus so angry? The text says after that, that his spirit was troubled. He's angry that his friend has died and that death is a part of our lives. We weren't meant to be on this Earth to eventually die, death came as a result of sin. In the garden God said if they ate from the tree
they would surely die. Death came because we veered off from the His perfect plan.

Lazarus went through a huge trial, and because of how God was glorified through the circumstances, more people followed Christ. So through your trials in life, you never know how God is going to be glorified.


It is so easy to read those verses and remember how Afshin described God's glory in these awful situations and say that I will live my life like that. But do I? Do I wake up every morning and trust that no matter what bad things are happening in my life, that God will make it worth it? As my surgery comes closer and closer, it's really easy for me to get anxious and scared about the pain that is about to come, and the long recovery time. But I know that God will be glorified through these trials in my life, and I will come out on the other side stronger and more grounded in my faith....if I allow Him to move in me.

Are you letting Him work through your trials??

Tonight was my favorite night of the week....it was Vertical night :) Seriously, I don't know what I ever did before Vertical. It is just such an amazing experience every week. Getting away from the stress and craziness of life and being surrounded by my peers who truly love God and getting to worship is an awe-inspiring time for me to get back in check at the beginning of every week.

Tonight Afshin wasn't there again, but Jeff Mangum came and he was awesome, and really funny! But he talked about something that seems to be a recurring theme in my life these past couple months: plans and loving people with God's heart.

Look at Matthew 9:35-38. If you don't want to look it up, it's the passage about their being a harvest with few workers. This shows SUCH a gap between the way God looks at people, and the way we look at people. God does everything FOR people. He has compassion FOR people, feels FOR them. We, on the other hand, usually just go for what we can get out of a friendship.

We went through the whole Bible from Genesis to Revelation (reeeaallly quickly) and saw over and over how God blesses His people, and they turn it on themselves and screw it up. I have a ton of references we talked about if you want them.

Basically it boils down to God consistently saying "I love you" and humanity saying "I love me too".

James 4:13-17 was the other passage we looked at, and one that really hit home with me. We always invite God to be a part of OUR plan instead of being a part of His. And when it doesn't turn out the way we planned, we question Him. "I thought you were a loving God who cared about my happiness? Why isn't this working out like I planned?" Face it, we all do it. We have temper tentrums when God doesn't serve us.

We need to live with a sense of urgency...with our hope in what comes after this life, instead of getting so caught up in the things of this world and keeping up with everyone around us. Paul was an amazing example of having his hope somewhere else. I mean, you can't mess with this dude! Jeff made a really funny joke of it tonight, but it's totally true. How do you mess with someone like him?

"We're gonna kill you." Ok, you killed my Savior and I'll be going to be with him.
"Ok, we're not going to kill you, just torture you." You tortured Him, so bring it!
"Um...ok. We're not going to do anything," Sweet, I don't like pain anyway!

You can't beat that! You can't mess up that thinking! Man, I wish I could think that way.

What Jeff said that REALLY hit me hard tonight, was when he was talking about plans. He was talking about his wife being Type A and making lists and notes and asked his Type A people to raise their hands, then made a joke they couldn't because they were still writing...and that's what I was doing! I am such a planner. The story about his wife (I'll be happy to tell it to you, it's just too long to type) was exactly how I am. She went through a really rough time, and wasn't even upset so much by the event that occured, but was upset that it messed up her plan and wasn't how she had it all worked out. You can look in my first blog posts and see that's exactly where I am this semester. I wasn't even so much worried about the surgery part. It's not like it's a major reconstructive, life changing surgery or anything....no, I was worried about what was going to happen. Taking a semester off was definitely not part of my plan and it through everything off, leaving me unsure of what to do.

I began writing this blog to journal my recovery and my disease...to talk out what God has planned for me during this time in my life. More and more he's showing me that my plans mean nothing. He is in complete control and His plan is the one I need to be following, not my little blueprint for my life and how I want it to go. That's a hard pill to swallow, especially for me. It's something I am constantly having to work on and accept.

And while I'm on the subject of surgery, I'm about to say something that is really hard for me. My surgery is now exactly 3 weeks away. It's becoming a reality that I'm about to do this whole painful process over again.....and I'm scared. I know what to expect this time, which is helpful for some things, but absolutely terrifying in others. I know how much it's going to hurt, I am constantly remembering all the sleepless nights from pain and not being able to get up for 2 months....having my independence taken completely away. I mean for the first couple weeks I won't even be able to sit up by myself. I pride myself in my independence, and having that taken away is one of the hardest things for me. Having to depend on other people is really hard for me. Not to mention that this is the most painful surgery I've ever had...and while I am a veteran with this being my 8th surgery, that doesn't make it any easier.

I know that in the long run this is going to be awesome. I'm already seeing results from the last one that make me want to cry tears of joy. Just today I was telling someone that for the first time in my life I made a footprint that was like everyone else's, and I was beaming. This is going to make me more normal, and have less pain. But in order for that to happen, pain has to happen. No pain, no gain I suppose.

God has a plan for all this. He's got this. I know that, and am daily trying to embrace it. If you could pray that I am not anxious and scared, that would be sweet. I really appreciate it and love you all :)

May.

It was this very morning a year ago I woke up to a text from my mom telling me to call her. I knew right away what happened....during the night, my grandma had passed away. It's so hard to believe it's been a year already. I miss her so much.

I was supposed to be a 4th generation Aggie, and I killed that for my family lol. Other than May, I was the only Baylor bear....and now I am the only one. It's really hard not being able to tell her all about my studies here, and all my wonderful experiences here that only another bear would understand. I miss seeing her at family gatherings, and getting cards from her in the mail.

I can't imagine how Bill is feeling today...losing your wife after over 60 years together. I think throughout it all, he's been doing really well though. He comes to hang out with us a lot, but I know he gets lonely.

It was a rainy day like today too...almost perserving the mood of gloom on this day. And every year on this day is KXA semi formal. And it's a bittersweet day because I am ecstatic about this weekend and have a really good friend coming up to go with me...but then I feel guilty for having fun on this day when such a tragedy happened.

I know she's in a better place, and doesn't want me to be sad. So today I will have a good time in remembrance of the incredible woman my grandmother was. I love you the best, May.