Finally.

Hey people!

I have super exciting news! So, usually I am not a big fan of Nike - but they finally have done something that many companies should have done long ago! Tomorrow there will be a new shoe on the shelf called FlyEase, made especially for disabled patients!

I often have issues with my hands, and it's hard to get my legs in a comfortable position to properly tie my shoes. And when you're 25, it's a bit embarrassing to ask someone else to tie them. Not only is it hard to tie, but physically getting the shoes on and off can be a challenge! Not just for me, but for anyone suffering from motor function deficiencies, such as with Parkinson's, cerebral palsy, etc. 

With FlyEase the back of the shoe opens up similar to a door hinge, so your foot can easily slip in and out, with a zipper closure designed to be operated with a single hand. And instead of traditional laces there is a Velcro flap to keep it tight! 

This probably doesn't seem overly excited to a healthy person, who has probably not even thought twice about putting tennis shoes on before. But as someone who sometimes struggles with footwear, I am completely stoked about this!! And hopefully now other companies will follow suit and will begin making more accessible shoes as well!

Unfortunately right now there are only men's sizes, and they start at 7. So Nike is choosing to cut out a huge portion of disabled patients...but maybe in time they will be more inclusive. 

Jessica.

Even as I sit here typing, part of me doesn't really believe she's gone.

She was just here. She just finished law school. And today I get a text saying she's gone? It can't be true.

When I think of Jessica all I can think of is her smiling face. I don't think I ever saw her when she wasn't smiling. She had such a ferocity for life and was determined to make the world a better place - which I believe she did.

We were in the same sorority family, which is what brought us together. She was one of the many reasons being in the hott family was so much fun. I introduced her to peppermint bark which rocked her world, and she introduced me to the awesomeness of zebra shorts.

Heaven most certainly gained an incredible, joyful, intelligent angel today. I don't understand why God brought her home so soon, with so much earthly life to live...but there is a reason. Yes it helps to know that I will see her again because she is without a doubt dancing around and praising our God and pain-free.....but for now? It just hurts.

RD!

I suppose after a grueling 1200 hour, 6 month internship my blog deserves an update! That type of schedule doesn't leave much time for anything fun - let alone blogging! But I can now say that not only have I successfully completed my internship - but I have passed my licensure exam and am now officially a Registered Dietitian!

It's been a long, stressful road the past 6 years leading up to this moment - many of which I believed I would not make it to this point. But with the help of my family/friends, God's blessings and guidance, and a ridiculous amount of work and perseverance - I have done it!

So now for an even bigger piece of news (is there such a thing?!)....I have officially moved to the bustling metropolis of Marble Falls! Population is about 6,000 and it is one of the smallest towns I've ever been in! It's definitely going to take a lot of getting used to. New home, new town, new job! There's a new hospital here that is set to open next month and I will be the RD on staff - the only one! So that's going to be interesting. It's so beautiful here though. It's in hill country, my house is on top of a hill overlooking the lake - gorgeous!

As if I needed another reminder of God's faithfulness this whole experience has been yet another in the win column for His existence and hand in my life. He has so seamless brought me to this place and made everything transition so smoothly that there is no way I was not meant to be here. It's going to be really hard when my parents leave and I'm truly and completely on my own for the first time in my life - but I know without a doubt He has a plan for me being here and it doesn't include abandoning me now.

If you want more specifics about my new home just text me! I hope you're having a FABULOUS day and I hope to hear from you soon!

Looking Up.

Hello!

I am extremely grateful to be writing this post in a MUCH happier state of mind than my last one. But it’s those difficult days that make good ones so much more meaningful, right?

For over 15 years I have tried what seems like every medication out there to relieve various symptoms or the chronic pain – mostly to no avail. My fellow spoonies can attest that with any new medicine the side effects are generally worse than the original symptom you’re trying to fix! It’s a very emotionally draining process of getting your hopes up for a new medicine to just have it not work, or to make symptoms even worse! BUT! I can say with pleasure that for once in my life, I am now on a medication that helps!!! Not only does it help, but it has made a HUGE difference in my daily life – such an unbelievably huge answer prayer.

Though there is a small caveat – the fact that this medicine works means I get to add another chronic ailment to my list: RLS. Restless Leg Syndrome (RLS) is a very irritating condition that most people have actually heard of, that is characteristically known for a strong urge to move your legs (or arms as well, in lovely severe cases such as mine) to relieve discomfort/pain that get worse with inactivity or around bedtime. This is why it’s so hard for me to travel!! It’s such a relief to finally have an answer, but an even bigger relief to have a medicine that helps!!! I’m sleeping better than I can ever remember, and I have energy for the first time since I can remember, and the medicine is helping my nerves chill out.

While unfortunately I cannot say it’s helping with the daily pain I have, it’s made a world of difference even still. At this point I will take anything I can get! It’s really hard to describe how I feel now. Honestly, I’ve never really had much energy, so now that I have little spurts of it, I don’t know what to do with myself! Waking up every morning used to be a miserable process of forcing myself to get out of bed despite the fact that I felt like I hadn’t slept for a week. But now I wake up with enough energy to pop out of bed and greet the day – feeling like I have actually slept! Granted my new abundance of energy is probably equivalent to a healthy person’s slow day, but it’s still a dramatic improvement for me! Now my new battle is moderation! It’s so hard now that I have some energy to not go out and do a bunch of things which will lead to being burnt out!

This situation has confirmed yet again, that you are your biggest advocate!! I am SO blessed to have a doctor in town who is willing to help me try new things if it will bring some relief, and she was open to prescribing this medicine. But I had to ask for it! I was the one who had to tell her I thought I had RLS! It is strange to me that for all these years no doctors have ever mentioned it either. It may seem a small thing to have a new medicine, especially one that isn’t a miracle pill that magically takes away all pain and exhaustion….but it’s made my life, already just in the week I’ve taken it, SO much more bearable. My mom has always told me (and she’s right, as moms usually are) that my biggest advocate will always be me, and that’s true for anyone! Whether it’s medically, or in a situation with friends or work, or whatever life circumstance – it’s okay to stick up for yourself and be your own advocate, chances are it will be worth it!    

No Tears Left.

I can't believe it's been four months since my last post! As I mentioned in my last post, with the new year came my internship - potentially the most crucial part of my road to becoming a dietitian! I knew going into these hard, fast-paced 6 months that it would probably be the most physically demanding months of my life - and I was certainly right on point. Logging 50 hours a week, being on my feet much more than I'm used to, completing assignments and pretending to have a social life is quite exhausting.

I wish I could be writing this post in jubilee or extreme joy....but it is quite the opposite. But then again, that's what this blog was created for; a place for me to have catharsis for the pent up emotions and exhaustion that comes with chronic illness. But hopefully it is also a source of encouragement for others...but I'm getting ahead of myself!

My faithful readers and close friends know that I go through periods, or flares, as I so affectionately refer to them, when my pain and exhaustion reach unbearable levels. It could last a day, it could last a year - I never know. Unfortunately I'm hitting right about month three of this current flare. This time it's severely affected my legs to the extreme of several times I have literally fallen to the ground because I don't have enough strength to stand. It can be incredibly scary. At the beginning I even had to use my wheelchair in the house...I couldn't take more than a couple steps without just collapsing. Thankfully I am not at that low point anymore, and can stand for quite a few minutes at this point, but most days the pain is still past my pain tolerance (which is extremely high).

Today for some reason I just hit a breaking point. I had completed my 8-5 day, generally feeling alright, and from the time I came home to now it has just gone downhill. Tonight I have cried so much and with such intensity that I literally don't have any tears left to cry. I have texted in desperation to close friends who understand, longing for someone to tell me I wasn't as useless and broken as I felt. I don't have these moments very often - and even less often I speak about these moments....I'm not proud of them, but I've realized what a necessity they are. Life is hard. Having a competitive internship is hard. Add a couple chronic illnesses and constant unbearable, unrelenting pain and you've got yourself a sucky situation. The emotions and frustrations have to be released and unfortunately I tend to wait until the point of explosion.

These moments are part of my coping skills. They may not be the healthiest, but it's how I deal. I have these days where I just completely LOSE IT. I don't mean just a dainty little tear streaming down my face; but intense, hyperventilating sobs as I'm collapsed on the floor, crying out for relief and crying tears of anger and confusion. I have my moment to feel like a useless pile of trash with no worth to the world, trapped inside a broken body, knowing that boo-hooing about it won't change a thing. But when the tears stop - I get up. I wash my face off, usually cuddle with Brinkley, and get on with my life. I need to have those breakdown moments to release everything I hold in 24/7. I HATE letting people see I'm in pain or that I am somehow limited. I'm stubborn and don't ask to sit down when I know I'll be feeling the effects for days after. If you asked some of my acquaintances or even some of my friends they would have NO clue I live with pain or illness - and that's my goal. It is completely, mind-numbingly exhausting to pretend all the time that I'm fine when I'm not. And within the past couple years, especially in rehab, I've learned better coping skills and how to properly deal with it all...but I still have difficult days. But they don't completely stop my life like they used to - and to me that's positive progress.

I know that in these times Satan is just on the edge of his seat, waiting for me to renounce my faith and put a big middle finger in the air. He WANTS to steal the peace my faith gives me. He wants me to break down and feel broken. But I'm too stubborn to give him that satisfaction. I may be down but I'm getting back up. I have a God beside me who has truly known every kind of pain and frustration - and has remained pure. I don't have the strength to get through the day, or sometimes even through an hour or minute....but I'm with a God who gives me HIS strength that has overcome death! Even David has gone through times when he has cried until there are no more tears. 1 Sam 30:4 says "then David and the people who were with him lifted up their voices and wept until they had no more power to weep." During these moments it's the easiest thing in the world to feel alone - but I'm not! "But David strengthened himself in the Lord" which is exactly what I'm going to (attempt to) do. I may not feel it now, but I know the Lord hears my tears and he weeps with me. This life is not forever and one day there will be a day with no more tears and no more pain. One day I'm going to have a PERFECT body - what?! I eagerly await for that day, but until then I know there is a reason for my life.

I'm not writing this to be praised. I certainly am not writing it for sympathy. It's mostly for me, but I want it to be an avenue of awareness and encouragement. Paul says it perfectly in Phil 3:12-14 (taken from the Message):

I’m not saying that I have this all together, that I have it made. But I am well on my way, reaching out for Christ, who has so wondrously reached out for me. Friends, don’t get me wrong: By no means do I count myself an expert in all of this, but I’ve got my eye on the goal, where God is beckoning us onward—to Jesus. I’m off and running, and I’m not turning back. 

So that's where I am. Not at all even close to where I want to be...but my eyes are searching in that direction and I know that God will bring me through this flare and these illnesses, and this life. He has a preeeeeetty good track record - the logic lends in his favor. So I'm going to do my best to take His strength and glorify Him with this life that I sometimes see as a broken one, and I encourage you to do the same. It's okay to have breakdowns. Have a meltdown, cry until there is nothing left....but then GET UP. Press onward. God hasn't given us this life to live lying down. He's beckoning us onward. Will you go?

2014.

Another year has come and gone! I went back and re-read my last few New Years posts, and there was a lot of change and transition in those years. This year has been more of a closing chapters type year. My time at Baylor, and in school, is officially over. And this year begins the start of my career and new phase of life! As much as I have always loved school, and have cherished my years at Baylor, I am most definitely ready to continue on and finally be in my career and settled. Here are a few highlights from the year:

• Baylor playing in the Fiesta Bowl. We lost 52-42, but it was a cool experience and a good game!
• Having a committed relationship for the first time in a few years! Didn't turn out the way I planned, but I have learned and grown from the experience.
• Getting in my first big wreck. 
• Malaysian flight disappearing, and since then a few more have. Strange things happening with AirAsia....
• On 4/15 there was a blood moon. It was not fun getting up at 3 in the morning to see it, but so worth it!! Definitely something that isn't seen very often. 
• 4/17 marked the 1 year anniversary of the West explosion. Having personal friends go through that tragedy was hard, and it's still a city that is trying to recover.
• This summer I read the Harry Potter books and watched the movies.....for the first time! Yes. For the first time. And of course now I'm totally obsessed!
• This summer represented one year post-rehab. Hitting that milestone was a very special day. Some days I struggle a lot with going back to bad habits and unhealthy thinking, but knowing that I've gone this long on a new path gives me the hope and rejuvenation I need to continue on. 
• Mary Angelou, James Garner, Robin Williams, Joan Rivers and Edward Hermann died
• I traveled to Boston and Cooperstown, NY with my parents! Getting to be with my dad on his vacation of a lifetime was very cool, and I must say I wouldn't mind going to Boston again! 
• I was talented enough to fall in my apartment one night and break my elbow. This was the first time I was given real pain meds since rehab, and that was a huge struggle to have them be very limited...but I survived with the help of my close friends who understood the struggle, and I did not fall back into bad ways!
• This fall represented the inaugural season of football in McLane Stadium! I got the chance to go to a game with my dad and was blown away by it!!! Very cool, and if I do say so myself, I believe the Bears have kept up with the hype and have earned every part of that stadium.
• Ebola. That's all I will say. 
• Baylor ended the season being #5 in the nation, the ONE TRUE Champ of the big 12, and is going to play in the Cotton bowl! 
• In December Gilmore (Jeep) and I parted ways after a good 8 years together. And Avery, my Nissan Rogue, and I have begun our journey together. 
• I graduated with my Masters!!!!! Completely surreal to think that my academic part of life is officially over. My time at Baylor is over....still sinking in for sure. 
• My brother and his fiance got to come home for Christmas! We also met his future step-daughter, one of the most adorable and intelligent 5 year olds you will ever meet! Spending time with them before they get married was such a special time for us as a family.
• Yesterday my grandpa turned 92!! I swear he gets funnier with every year, and is still such a blessing to our family and hanging in there! 

It's been a long year! Nothing too exciting or life-changing to say here - just documenting my time :) This blog has been a cathartic place for me to cope with a frustrating disease, but also to document and share how God is continuing to use me and work in my life for His ultimate plan for me. It's so much bigger than anything I could have planned for myself, and I'm really excited to see where He places me in this next year. I don't know what is going to happen after my internship is over this summer....and that used to scare me. But He's gotten me this far, and has never failed to put me where I need to be when I need to be there, so I know everything will work out! A heartfelt and genuine thanks to everyone who has been a part of my life this year. Whether it was a positive or negative interaction, overall it has led to personal growth and reflection. I know I wouldn't be as happy or who I am without the people in my life and your continued support and encouragement helps get me through day by day :)

I hope this post finds you well, and that you have an exciting year ahead! I look forward to being a part of it. 

Bad day.

With chronic illness and chronic pain there are good days, and there are bad days. And today is a bad day.

It was expected, as I had spent a very long time in the car yesterday. However, despite my naïve thinking, even if it's expected – it still hurts just as bad.

As I mentioned in my last post, I am going through a devotional for those of us dealing with chronic illness, and how to go through a deeper than physical healing. And today's devotion was aptly timed, as it spoke of choosing to have positive thoughts on bad days. 

The key verses were 2 Corinthians 12:7-10. Below is the message version. 

"Because of the extravagance of those revelations, and so I wouldn’t get a big head, I was given the gift of a handicap to keep me in constant touch with my limitations. Satan’s angel did his best to get me down; what he in fact did was push me to my knees. No danger then of walking around high and mighty! At first I didn’t think of it as a gift, and begged God to remove it. Three times I did that, and then he told me, My grace is enough; it’s all you need. My strength comes into its own in your weakness. Once I heard that, I was glad to let it happen. I quit focusing on the handicap and began appreciating the gift. It was a case of Christ’s strength moving in on my weakness. Now I take limitations in stride, and with good cheer, these limitations that cut me down to size—abuse, accidents, opposition, bad breaks. I just let Christ take over! And so the weaker I get, the stronger I become. (2 Corinthians 12:7-10 MSG)

Paul is a very biblical example that not all are granted physical healing while on earth. And while I am definitely not to the point of being overly thankful for my illness, I am focusing on these verses today. I definitely do not know the purpose of me being sick, or the purpose of being in so much pain every day that I just want to sit in a corner and cry. But I must decrease in order for Christ to increase. And His strength is made more known as my weakness increases.

Today is a bad day. But Christ's strength and power is more evident in these days, because I have no choice but to lean on him. My ability to get through this day, and every day, is directly dependent on his grace. I may be struggling to fully live it out, but I know that his strength and grace will get me through this period.