Gettin' Real.

Hello readers! (If there are any of you out there…)

I realize it has been quite a while since my last post, which makes me sad. I’m going to work at getting back on my posting train and post more frequently like I used to. Life has just become so chaotic it seems since my last post. Cliff note version of a “catch up” would be I am now almost halfway through my first semester in graduate school, and it is quite a change! I really do enjoy it though, and am really excited to keep learning more about things I actually care about and have a passion for. I’ve also started working as a diet tech in a hospital, and my pure joy of loving the days I work is such a godsend and a message that I am most definitely in the field He has chosen for me.

Now onto the reason for this post. I realize this is going to be really long, and chances are it will be several parts, written on different days with different additions. This post (and the potential few to come) are really mostly going to be used as a catharsis for me. I’ve always found I can write out my thoughts better than saying them, and in essence that’s why I started this blog. It’s a way for me to cope with everything going on in my life, and if it somehow helps someone else…then that is just how God is using my blog. So here it goes.

This season of my life has been really tough, to say the least. I can probably go back through the posts of this whole blog (about 3 years worth!! Crazy.) and find posts of when I have been in valleys and filled with frustration…yet this time it somehow feels different. Deeper. Harder to get out of. I have physically been in a “flare up” of sorts for the last 2 months, and it hasn’t gone away. I have recently discovered the reason I am in pain and exhausted everyday is a result of an autonomic disorder in addition to my muscular dystrophy. So we sort of know the reason….now its finding a way to get rid of the symptoms. I’ve accepted my baseline amount of pain and tiredness…. I’ve lived with it every day for as long as I can remember and that’s just my “normal”. But these flare-ups are excruciatingly painful, and it affects my daily life more than normal…and forces me to adapt. I find myself some days in such a deep place of frustration and exhaustion. I’m so unbelievably tired of pain, of being tired, and of having to deal with this disease and all that comes with it. I don’t really like complaining about being tired or in pain, and usually push through it and go out and do things. I’ve always figured if I’m going to be in pain I might as well be out living and having fun instead of sitting at home sulking about it. But now my pain is to the point where some days I can’t seem to push through it, and my limitations are growing. I now have to ask for help for things I have been able to do on my own such as grocery shopping and cleaning my apartment. And while those who help me do it with such Christ-like attitudes and do it totally out of love…to me asking for this help and admitting that I need it seems to be such a negative thing sometimes. It feels like I am a broken, disabled person who can’t do normal things that everyone else can. And when I get into that thought process, which Satan knows for a fact is my weak spot, he comes to attack and gets me into a “worst case scenario” thought process which allows me to fabricate this future of being in a wheelchair full time and not being able to do anything for myself. Logically, I know this is ridiculous to fixate on right now, especially because I have NO idea what God has for me in the future. But sometimes it’s hard not to go “there”.

I have talked to several very wise people in this “season” of my life in a desperate attempt at answers. Answers for why this is happening, when it will be over, why it hasn’t ended yet, and just how I can get through this in one piece. I know that this will not be my last valley in regards to my health….and me being the planner I am, I want to have a really good battle plan for the next time. But I really need that battle plan now. One person in particular really has/had me thinking of things in ways I’ve honestly never thought about before. So here comes a lot of the catharsis I was talking about, but perhaps it can be morphed to someone else’s situation as well. To me talking about my pain and pointing it out, in my brain, means my disease is somehow defining who I am – which is something I have busted my tail for my whole life trying to prove untrue. But it was pointed out to me that my lack of being open and vulnerable with people and allowing them to help me is a huge form of pride. And it is making huge assumptions about my friends  - that they will somehow look at me differently or judge me because I’m struggling. Assuming that they won’t carve out time to help me do little errands I can’t do by myself. I know my friends do not fall prey to these assumptions and my closest friends would probably be really upset with me if I didn’t share when I needed help and was struggling. I know I’d be upset if the table was turned. And it was also pointed out to me that by not sharing my struggles with the community of believers I’ve been given, I’m not allowing God to use them to love me and show Himself to me through them. He gave us a community to walk through this life together with, and to show Himself to us in several ways….and by not asking for help I am cutting Him short and not allowing my friends to be God to me. Which isn’t fair to them, God, or me in the long run. My pride can’t overcome my need to see God.

So I guess here’s the big principle I’m learning: IT’S OKAY TO BE BROKEN.

It’s okay to be upset, frustrated, angry, sad, and all of that. It’s okay to let down my guard and not have my brave “everything is awesome” face on. But I can’t stay in that place that Satan wants me to. He wants me to think that God has left me, or somehow doesn’t love me because I have to suffer with this every day and haven’t been physically healed. But none of that is true! God has created every person – including those with disabilities – in HIS image…He doesn’t make mistakes. I just finished the book given to me by one of my spiritual leaders, called Joni. It’s an incredible autobiography about a woman who had a diving accident at age 17 and became paralyzed. She has absolutely no feeling or use below her collarbone. And though my case is not as severe as hers or many others, it was so comforting to read of someone else’s struggle who truly understood what daily pain was like, and the frustration of not having function of your arms and legs. It was so refreshing to go through her struggle with her and know that I am not alone. It was also really encouraging to read how she has come out of an intense, deep valley and now sees her wheelchair and accident as a blessing and fully embraces the plan that God has for her. I am definitely not at the point where I see my MD as a blessing….but I want to fully embrace God’s plan for me like Joni did. I want my life to be completely saturated with His love and for my life to be nothing but a glorification of Him.

I also loved that throughout the book she pointed out specific scriptures she held on to, and it is now fueling my search and desire to dig into the Word and really soak up God’s words for me during this season. In Hebrews 11 it talks about all the people in the Bible like Abraham and Moses (among several others) who never got to see God’s promises fulfilled, but lived their life with the faith that they would. They lived for a heavenly life, and not their earthly life. I may never wake up to see the day when I am healed and free from this disease. But this life, and more importantly this body, are temporary. One day I will be with Christ in Heaven, with a perfect and glorious body that knows no limits. And with that perspective I can pick myself up out of this hole of frustration. Not to say I am there, by any means, and not to say I won’t struggle as things progressively get worse or when I hit bumps in the road…but I will be more equipped to handle them with the perspective that this pain won’t last forever. In Lamentations 3 it says that though there is grief in this life the Lord will bring compassion and unfailing love. “For He does not willingly bring affliction or grief to the children of men (verse 33).” God is going to use my life (hopefully) in some way that will glorify His name and love. There is most definitely a reason that I have been GIVEN the life I have…and I may not know the reason why until I see Him…but I rest assured in the fact that He knows, and really that’s enough. It’s more than enough.

Serious kudos if you made it this far. I don’t really know what response I’m expecting from this post, if I’m even expecting one. Just throwing out some struggles in the hopes that being real will not only allow my heart to heal, but perhaps others as well. 

2012

Well, another year has come and gone. Another year full of joy, pain, sadness, celebration, and just about everything else. And as I seem to be every year, I'm never where I thought I would be...and I wouldn't change it!

Originally I thought I would be sending this post from a bus on the way to Passion 2013. After 4 years I was finally given the opportunity to go, but it would seem God has something else for me. So I am anxious to see what He has for me here this week....because I'm really bummed I am not there.

So, as I do every year, here is my list of pretty memorable things from the year:

- Going to Colorado with my family, and skiing for the first time
- Having two internships in the Spring: an online internship with the Compassionate Nutritionist, and another with a local restaurant Olive Branch
- Being given the AMAZING opportunity to expand my KXA lineage with my lovely great grandlittles
- Looking like a 15 year old again and getting braces
-Mom having her gall bladder removed
- Lady Bears being NCAA Champs, having an undefeated season and being the first team in history to go 40-0; and the men's team getting to the Elite 8
- Getting my Baylor ring
- Getting the new love of my life - Brinkley
- Beginning my shadowing experiences at Hillcrest, and eventually getting a job there that I am completely in love with
- The massacre at The Dark Knight Rises
- The Olympics
- Celebrating my 23rd birthday
- Getting to spend Homecoming with one of my best friends
- The election
- Graduating from Baylor University
- Spending Christmas with my entire immediate family
- Baylor winning the Holiday Bowl (49-26!!!!)

There has been so much that has happened within the past year and there is no way I could express it all here. But it has been another year of growth, and being pushed to new places and growing into (hopefully) the young lady God is calling me to be. I wouldn't be anywhere without Him. And there were definitely times this year when I wondered what in the world He was going to do with me, but His plan never failed and everything fell into place.

I look forward to 2013 for so many reasons. Most importantly I will be beginning my master's degree program which I am so excited about, and I am getting the immense pleasure of continuing my amazing job. I am so anxious to see what God has in store for me this year. I never have any idea where He is going to take me, but the destination doesn't matter....all that matters is I know that He has my life in His hands, and He is going to lead me down the path that is best for me, all I need to do is trust and obey.

Here's hoping this post finds you well, and that you have a happy new year!

Done!!

It is still very surreal that as I type this I am no longer an undergraduate student. My "college" years are over. Yes, I'm going to be here for two more years as a graduate student, but it's just not the same.

Looking at my life now, and where I was when I started at Baylor four some years ago...I'm not even close to where I expected to be. I'm in a completely different place that I could have NEVER expected, yet there is no where else I would rather be. Coming to Baylor I had this grand plan for how my life would be when I graduated. I would make a 4.0 and get into the greatest medical school and become some crazy geneticist and find a cure for something incredible. I would have never imagined that I would have to take a semester off for major surgeries, switch my major to Nutrition, or be on a completely different career path.

But it has become incredibly apparent through my time in college that God has completely taken all my tiny plans for my life, crushed them and made them completely His own, and so much better than I could have dreamed. He has absolutely streamlined the path for me to be where I am, and I have absolutely no doubt that this is the direction He has always had for me. Despite both minor and major setbacks along the way, there were some pretty hopeless moments....but He has used those situations to grow me into the person He wants me to be, and now all the little pieces that threw me for years are finally fitting into a bigger puzzle and making sense.

During the ceremony today (while I was obviously hanging on every word that was being spoken) I found myself almost speechless, and just in awe of my college life. God has completely taken care of me and has never, ever left my side. Without His strength and love everyday I can say for an absolute fact there is no way I could have come this far.

For those that don't know, in January I am beginning my Master's degree here at Baylor. I also am working as a Diet Tech at a hospital here in town and am completely and irrevocably in love with my job. It's such a joy to love getting up and going to work, and being sad when I have to leave.

So here is my little graduation speech, and as cliche as it is...it's true. God has brought me through a momentous milestone in my life, and I cannot wait to see where He leads me.

Roots.

For the past couple weeks, and a few more to come, Kyle has been preaching over a series called Roots. Every single person at one point in their life or another comes across a storm of sorts, and just as the roots hold trees down during storms, we need to have a set of beliefs, or roots, to hold us down during our storms. Even during the sunny, happy times, roots keep you grounded...and without these truths to cling to, it would be incredibly easy to fall.

The first root was that the Bible is ENTIRELY reliable and spiritually medicinal.

It's important to have this one as the first root, because everything else builds on this. For you to really cling to the promises God has, you have to believe that His word is real, and reliable.

The second one Kyle spoke of today was incredibly convicting. And it is that nothing is random; God is the gate keeper for EVERYTHING in my life and He has good purposes in mind, and He is worthy of my trust.

The main verse we dug through today was Romans 8:28 which says "And we know that in ALL things God works for the good of those who love Him, who have been calling according to His purpose."

It's a short verse, but it's completely filled with truth. We have all been called to follow Him, and He absolutely wants the best for us. And this message sort of ties into the question of "Why do bad things happen to good people?" Just because we're followers of Christ does not mean our journey will be easy. In fact, several times in the Bible it says that we WILL face trials and tribulations, but to have comfort and peace in the knowledge that Christ has come to overcome the world, and our hope is to be found in Him. Bad things are going to happen, and though we may not have the big picture or reasons why at the time, God has a plan. Nothing sneaks by Him or goes unnoticed. Absolutely every single minute detail in your life has been planned, and God will use it for a greater purpose. And sometimes we may not know what that purpose is until we meet Him in Heaven.

The thing about today's message that really hit for me, was that sometimes looking at this verse it can seem like a vague promise. We are hard-wired to what to know the details of everything - why, when, and how. I especially do not like the unknown or unexpected, I want to prepared for everything and know what's going on. But it is a fine line with wanting to know answers, and accusing God. By needing to know why, when, and how something will be used is not fulling trusting God. And for me, being totally honest, that's a hard pill to swallow. Every single day I struggle with my body not functioning as it should, and wishing I could do things that I can't. And I've even been told straight up that I don't have enough faith because I have not been healed...which is not true at all!! But that's a whole other issue...I digress. I don't know why I have the diagnosis I do, or how God is going to use it for His glory....but I TRUST that this is all part of His plan for me. This acceptance has definitely not come easily, it's been one of the hardest battles of my life, and it is a daily struggle to trust Him. I would be lying if I said there weren't days when I literally cry out to God asking Him to take away my pain and this struggle that I don't want....but at the end of the day, I trust Him.

And it's not a single-issue problem, for me or anyone. Even trusting Him with the little things is important. That relationship you're not sure about, that person who hurt you so deeply, the loss of a loved one, your future plans....there is so much uncertainty in this broken world we live in, but we have to trust that God is sovereign and has a plan for everything. There is no random event that happens, no small thing slips past....EVERYTHING is planned. We may not see the why or how, or be assured of a date of when things will happen...but if it is God's good, pleasing, and perfect will for your life...it will happen. Trust.

Update!

Hello lovely readers!

It's been a while since I've had a health update, which is a bit ironic since it's the reason I've started this blog. But in a way, I love that it has become something so different than what I originally thought!

Anywhos. School has started up again and I have begun my last semester!!! It is surreal on twenty different levels, and super hard to believe I'm about to graduate! Still awaiting news on grad school....

And I have begun this last semester like a true slacker. I missed all my classes today for my neurologist appointment, which is bittersweet. Getting this appointment (which I made months ago) was a true blessing, and I'd rather miss the first day than a day close to finals when it's crucial I need to be in class, but I really like the first day! Getting to hear about the courses, the expectations for the semester, sometimes meeting new professors, is all part of the "first day" experience and I missed out on it! HOWEVER...the news I received at the doctor far outweighs my disappointment of missing the first day...

So the neurologist I went to see was new. He was recommended to me by my regular neurologist (who is pediatric, this one being an adult) to hopefully offer a fresh perspective, and to have someone I can fall back on when I go through random episodes and flares up. He recommended that I have a sleep study done, which now upon thinking about it, not sure why we haven't asked about that sooner. I hardly ever sleep, and am completely exhausted all the time which really just makes everything worse. So hopefully that will get scheduled soon, and they maybe find something!! I'm also taking a new type of medicine (yet again) to see if it helps with pain management. Here's praying it works.

BUT! The BIG news is that he said I am strong, doing well, and at this point am kind of static in progression. Which means there isn't much data at the moment showing him that I'm getting worse!!!! SUCHHHHH a blessing and a weight off to know I'm not progressing as much as we thought.

All in all, it was a fun little day trip for mom and I, and I am really excited about working with this doctor in the future and seeing what God has in store for me.

Even if.

Anyone who knows me well knows that I LOVE music. I love discovering new artists, or just listening, or playing. There's something so incredible about songs and their ability to take any emotion or situation and put it into a song, sometimes even when you can't find the proper words yourself. And it's an entirely different experience when you're going through something and "that" song comes on the radio or comes across your path that describes the situation perfectly, or its a message you needed to hear. One of these songs for me lately is the newest single from Kutless called "Even if".

This song basically describes my life, and I felt like sharing it, because I feel it describes almost everyone's life at some point, whether it be in the same way as mine or differently. The premise of the song is that even if healing doesn't come, God is still God and He is still faithful. For me, this song takes on a very literal meaning. I battle everyday with an incurable disease that I want to be healed from. But that isn't in God's timing for me right now, and hasn't in my 22 years thus far. But even if I go to my grave battling this disease, God is still faithful and hears my prayers. He still holds my life in His hand and is watching out for me, letting His plan unfold as I live each day.

This song doesn't have to be about physical healing, it could be emotional or spiritual. That friendship that burned you, the relationship that didn't work out, the loss of a life close to you....it hurts. Life hurts. But even if the healing doesn't come right away, or when we think it needs to...God is still faithful. It's hard sometimes to remember that during a trial, because we so often turn and think "If God is so great and faithful, why is He allowing this suffering?" It's all in His plan. We may not see the big picture right now, but I absolutely believe that every trial and tribulation, in addition to every celebration and smile, is a part of His glorious plan that is being carried out.

So today, even if the healing doesn't come....remember He is still faithful.


Watch the video here!

A choice.

Hope you're all staying cool in this crazy heat!

The past week or so I have been reading Captivating and the accompanying workbook, by John and Stasi Eldridge. This is one of my favorite books in the world, and I have given it to many of my girl friends as presents. If you haven't read it...seriously, you need to. I even know a guy friend who has read it, and the authors recommend girls read the guy book (Wild at Heart) so we can better understand how God has uniquely designed us, and how we oh so conveniently (or not) fit together.

This book has been just what I needed, and is forcing me to get real with God and the things I've been trying to push down for so long, and finally get the healing my heart needs. The healing that God desires for me. And for all of us! There are so many different issues I could talk about from the book (and probably will in future posts) but the one that hit me tonight is one I would like to share, as I have a slight suspicion I am not alone in my struggles.

Forgiveness.

That word alone could bring cringing, wanting to skip the rest of this blog, or perhaps peak interest. Its a big deal. One that easily gets pinned with typical "church" phrases like in the Lord's Prayer where it says to forgive us our debts, as we forgive our debtors (which actually is Col 3:13). And a lot of times I think we get the wrong idea about forgiveness...or at least I know I do. But this book put it in a really simple way, and honestly, one that I never really gave much thought to.

Forgiveness is such a crucial part to our lives, and at least for me, one that I don't really like giving much time to. It's hard. It forces hurt feelings and deep pain to surface. But until we forgive those who have hurt us, we are held captive by the messages that came with the wounds. Paul even warns us in Ephesians 4:31 and Hebrews 12:15 that forgiveness and bitterness not only can wreck our lives, but the lives of those around us. It is a choice, not a feeling. If you wait until you "feel" like forgiving someone - you never will. Now here comes the part that I never really thought about. Saying you forgive someone is NOT saying what they did didn't matter, and that it didn't hurt. It's is NOT saying "I probably deserved what happened." It in fact is saying "What you did was wrong, very wrong, and it hurt me deeply. And I release you. I give you to God." You're letting God take away all the pain and bitterness associated with whatever happened, and choosing to let Him hold that burden and not hold it inside and be prisoner to it.

It might also help to think of it as the person who hurt you so badly is pretty wounded themselves. They've had their heart broken and shattered just like you have, and they've fallen captive to the Enemy. Does that excuse what they did? Not at all. But it does help us to let them go, realizing that they are broken pieces being used by the Enemy to destroy us.

A very wise woman once told me that forgiveness was not for the offending person, but for me. That totally blew my mind! What?! They're the ones who screwed up. ME forgiving THEM is me getting on the higher road and letting them off the hook, right? No. Choosing to forgive someone is allowing God to take all the broken pieces of our hearts and put them back together, to take us in His arms, and to bring us home. It takes away the bitterness and pain from our hearts and allows us to move on and be closer to the One who always forgives us.

There are certainly people in my life that I am being held prisoner by because I haven't forgiven them. But I'm on the path of letting go. Is there someone in your life you need to forgive? If so, just pray that God would come and heal your heart. That He would take the wounds and shattered pieces and put them together and take away the bitterness and pain from those situations. It could be revolutionary.