Tuesday, February 15, 2011

Counter Intuitive.

Hello! Long time no talk. So much has happened in the new year since I last blogged, but at the same time it doesn't seem like a lot has. Seems like the theme of contradictions is covering this post more than I thought. Brief summary of the past 2 months: I had surgery January 6, and it went well! As probably should have been expected, though I gave my all to fight it, my recovery lasted longer than I wanted to. I ended up staying at my house for the first week of classes, and my mom got to be a student for a week and drive me and take me to each class, and one of my best friends was kind enough to make sure I got to all the KXA rush events. Speaking of KXA, we have since had rush, and have 34 new members!!! I have 2 grandlittles!!! (when did I get so old?!) and SING starts this weekend! So that pretty much brings me back to right now...

I tend to be a major ball of stress most of the time...but I feel like the past couple weeks have been way past my normal level of stress. And I feel like tonight at KXA meeting, with the devo from our chaplain, that I just feel really convicted about it. In the past couple weeks I have hit my breaking point several times, and thanks to the help of an AMAZING person in my life, I was called out on trying to handle it myself. And tonight, I was called out again for doing it myself. But when you think about it....it's counter intuitive.

I have a direct line to a God who is bigger than anything. Bigger than all the troubles and burdens of EVERY SINGLE PERSON EVER. Even those who haven't even been born yet! And so many times in His Word He comes right out and asks for me to give him my burdens. To cast all my anxieties on Him, so that I don't have to hold them myself. I'm being asked to give away my cares and be completely burdenless and carefree....but I CHOOSE not to. I CHOOSE to keep it all to myself and have this enormous weight on me all the time. Why?! Why is it SO hard to let go?!

I suck at surrendering. I have this crazy idea in my head that if I am vulnerable enough to tell someone that I'm struggling and have to take off my brave face, it will be seen as a weakness. I already have enough weakness that I can't control, so why would I add to it with emotional weakness? Yet here I am spilling my guts out (to some extent) for whoever decides to read this.

Yet another thing I'm being convicted of right now is yet another thing that seems counter intuitive to me, and I can't even place a name for it. I lately have gotten incredibly frustrated, yet again, with people around me in relation to my circumstances. I have to fight so hard everyday, and have to fight to get the same opportunities that everyone else automatically gets...and it just makes me mad sometimes. Not just because I have to fight, which gets so unbelievably tiring, but because others complain so much and don't seem to understand that I and others like me would give ANYTHING to get the chance to do what they're merely settling to do. But at the same time, no matter how much right I think I have to be frustrated, or how understandable it is....am I wasting what time I do have on being angry? At least for now, I should be enjoying what abilities I do have, instead of being angry about what I've already lost. I don't even know if that makes sense. I don't really think it makes sense in my head either. As strange as it sounds, it's almost easier to be frustrated and angry then it is to be happy and excited when it comes to my MD. But I guess that just shows which path I should go down ( and want to go down!) because most of the time the right thing isn't easy.

Sorry if that is so jumbled and doesn't make sense. But that's what is going through my brain and heart right now...well, that's the short version. God is going to use these frustrations to fuel me in some other way...I just wish I knew when and where...in the mean time I am going to try to surrender and not handle the burden alone.