Light in the Darkness.

I was looking and this is only my 5th post of the year, and it's halfway through November! Going back and re-reading my posts and seeing where I was when I started this journey compared to now is pretty amazing. Even though I may be posting less, I feel like this blog is still serving it's purpose of being an outlet of awareness and catharsis for me.

Yesterday was a BAD day - today, not much better. I've written about my bad days plenty of times before. This one was no different - started out with no conceivable cause, leaving me barely able to stand or walk for but a few minutes. Yet emotionally and mentally I don't feel the same as I did yesterday, and how I feel for so many of my long, bad flares...something was different this time. This time, while I was on the floor crying all my tears out as I usually do when I hit this point, indescribably frustrated that I couldn't stand long enough to take a decent shower, there was someone there to pick me up - my fiance. I looked up from my despair and was not physically alone anymore.

Yes, I've had a fiance for a little while now, and in 100 crazy days I will marry my best friend and we will forever be each others - but up until last night I had never truly let him see how low I get in these moments. I was far past my pride and the will to pretend I was anything but devastated, angry and just done. It's so easy to see the difficulties of having a chronic illness and all the toil it brings....but it also brings positives, which I don't take into account often enough. I have NEVER experienced a love like this before, and for once it's not a love in spite of my illness...but because of it. I'm 27, and until I met Jake I never thought I'd get married. I didn't think that anyone would voluntarily chose to take on my additional physical issues and everything that comes with it; especially from past relationships of being told I was a burden and life with me would be too much of a chore. But unknowingly, I walked into a new church in a new town and met the man God always had for me. One who doesn't see my illness as a part of who I am, but rather just something that is there. One who never does anything but encourage and empower me, even in my darkest of moments.

I may have woken up this morning unable to physically function like I usually can, yet my spirits are unusually uplifted and I know it is because of the seemingly impossible to find, unconditional love that I have been blessed with. And when I step back and look at him and our love - I see a shining example of God's love for us. God gave him to me, and me to him, and when I see his face smiling at me for a dumb joke I made or just watch him do life - I'm constantly reminded that this love that is all consuming and incredible, it's just a grain of sand in comparison to the love God has for all of us. And that "happiness can be found, even in the darkest of times if only one remembers to turn on the light."  (Also - 50 points to whoever knows where that quote is from)

Where do you see physical examples of God's love for you? So often we pray to get out of the harder situations in life, instead of learning while we're in the valley. One of my favorite quotes is "Life isn't about waiting for the storm to pass, it's about learning to dance in the rain." The Bible basically promises that we will have hardships in life. Look at our country right now! This election process has unveiled a divided and broken country where it is seemingly impossible to find good news or positive situations. It would be so easy if we never struggled...but without struggle, how can there be growth or change? And often times that is when God uses us the most, or can show us what He wants us to see because in those moments where you just can't find the will to fight anymore or can't see the positive in any situation, we are most vulnerable and willing to try anything. Over the years I have had more encounters than I can count of random people wanting to try and heal me, or make me question my faith because I didn't get the physical healing they and I have prayed so hard for. I don't know how to describe it, and I'm definitely not saying that I'm totally copacetic with being sick - but it's shaped me into the person I am, and continues to shape me. I've said it before, and I'll say it again (mostly because I still need to hear it!) - I may never physically be healed on Earth or know why I have been given the life I have...but God has a plan, and none of this was a shock to Him. It would be super easy to let the negativity and basic suck of this situation rule my life - and for a while it did - but what kind of life is that? Just because I have a harder time physically than others doesn't mean my life is any less important or God doesn't have a plan for my life. It's hard! Even right now my words are half just to convince myself, but not all is lost and dark. I have the ability to have a job in the field I have such a passion and skill for, I have an incredible best friend who is soon going to be my husband, and I have a wonderful support system of family and friends.

There's always light in the darkness, sometimes it just takes a little more work to find it but it's there...do you see it?