Warrior.

I've been thinking about this post for months now, never feeling like I was ready to write about it. Even today, I'm home from work and all responsibilities because my body has once again decided to give me the middle finger and I feel so unworthy of the title - but I'm learning with each passing day that so often we grow and learn the most from being out of our comfort zone, so here I go.

The past few months I've really been discovering what it means to call myself a warrior. Over the years I've heard it as a description of myself whether it was with my medical journey, or at church I was known as one of the "prayer warriors". We've all heard it in various uses, but I've found myself so drawn to it and really thinking about it lately and what it means to me.

According to the dictionary, a warrior is someone who is involved in a fight or a soldier. Recently I asked my friends what they think of when they hear the term and as expected, many went straight to Gladiator type references and soldiers fighting in life and death battles. That's what I've always gone straight to as well, and many days I don't feel like a warrior. Especially days like today, when I'm essentially bed bound by a body that malfunctions on the daily. If anything I'm a weakling! In any sort of prehistoric society I would have been one of the first to be dead, whether it was natural selection or not even having a choice by society, being handicapped and sick. Yet on my worst days I've been called a warrior for continuing to fight. I've always been very hard on myself in this regard and tend to self-destruct and self-criticize when my body fails me, as if it's some sort of failure or choice on my part. A warrior is someone incredible strong and brave, two things I rarely feel about myself. But recently I've come to discover that maybe it does hold a truth in my life....maybe I am a warrior, and it would in fact boost my self-confidence and worth to see myself in that light.

The Greatest Showman is probably my favorite movie of all time - if you haven't seen it, you must!! Of the many incredible musical numbers in the movie, the one that has always stuck out to me was This Is Me (video down below). If you haven't seen the movie you may not get the whole picture of what's happening with just the video, but essentially this group of people are the freaks and downcasts of society - the bearded lady, siamese twins, a dwarf, etc. Society mocks them and treats them as something less than human because they're different. And at the climax of this song, the leading lady gets so fed up with people throwing her aside because she's atypical, and she's had enough! She's not ashamed of who she is or what she looks like, she's been bruised and broken and has been told by the world to be ashamed of her scars, yet she takes pride in them. The most influential line to me in there was she says "We are warriors, that's what we've become!" That's when it hit me that I did in fact see them as warriors, and I was in the same boat!

I'm literally in a fight every second of my life with my body. My heart rate, body temperature, pain levels, fatigue, even my memory can change on the spot without any warning, and in reality there isn't a whole lot I can do about it. As of late I've been battling a lot more with my anxiety and depression, which adds a whole separate element to the fight. There have been many days when I have wanted to quit. I don't feel like a positive addition to society, much less a warrior. Little did I realize that those days when I was ready to throw in the towel and give up, hide away and give precedence to my dark thoughts - THAT's when I was the most like a warrior, those were my hardest battles and I'm still here writing about this today.

You may be fighting your own battles, whether it's mental, emotional, spiritual, physical and feel like you're making no headway and feel like giving up. You're a warrior, too. Warriors don't all have gladiator armor or fight on the front lines. There are warriors all over the place. Every time you choose to be positive, or choose to continue in the face of adversity, or fight to be above your circumstances you are a winning warrior. Don't lose sight of that.

This Is Me movie clip - you gotta watch!