Wednesday, May 29, 2013

Dreams.

Some of you know that next week I am going to the Mayo Clinic. I'm getting the chance to see doctors that are experts in my disorder, dysautonomia. Can you believe it, a doctor that has actually heard of my disease?! I'm a ball full of emotions as it comes closer and closer, and I can't help but find the best way to explain it as a scene from Tangled. (Don't judge, it's a legit movie).

Remember this scene?


I've been waiting for 23 years for an answer to my medical condition, and I finally have it...and now I"m about to (theoretically) get answers on how to manage my life so I'm not miserable all the time. So what if this isn't everything I've dreamed it would be? What if I get there and just like every other doctor I've had they tell me they can't help me and don't understand why this is happening or how to help me?

But what if it is everything I dreamed it would be? What if they can take away my pain and exhaustion? What if they understand exactly what's going on and can make my life so much better? That's what I'm hoping for. It was such a God thing that we even got in, and got in this quickly. There has to be a reason for that. God has a plan for me, and while it's scary right now...I'm choosing to trust Him. He's never let me down before. 

And if I do suddenly feel better than I have ever before? Well then I get to go find a new dream. And that's the best part. 

Tuesday, May 21, 2013

Unwritten.

Reading and writing have always been favorites of mine for my entire life. I was that super cool kid back in the day that took so much pride in my trophies I got every summer for reading 50 books. (Yes, they really do give out trophies for that.) Even now, summers to me mean leisure reading and catching up on my massive "To Read" list that I don't have time for during the school year.

I just finished Charles Martin's newest novel Unwritten. If you haven't read any of his books, super loss for you. I've read all of his books and they have all been incredible. When Crickets Cry, Chasing Fireflies, and Maggie are a few of my favorites. This new one may be my ultimate favorite of his, and I totally recommend it. But in it he says so fluently captures what I love so much about reading, and I guess in extension about writing. The thing I always loved about the library was there were literally thousands of books, all waiting to be read. Their stories waiting to be told, and I was all too ready to be immersed in them. I absolutely love getting lost in the story, being so pulled in to a story that you hate to do even the most basic things like eating or sleeping because you don't want to set it down. Reading for me has always been an escape. No matter what is going on in my life, I can open a book and get lost in a story and be in it for hours. And writing has always seemed to go hand in hand with that (hence why you're reading a blog right now). I tried making up stories when I was younger and writing them, but I've always just been better at writing out my thoughts. Even when things go awry in a friendship or I'm just overwhelmed with my life...writing it out makes it make sense. "Writing became the outlet for the one-sided conversation inside my head. The only place I knew complete expression. A thought encapsulated. A breath deep enough to fill me. Punctuation with certainty. Writing was how I worked out the goings on inside. The act of making story made sense of what I couldn't make sense of. Like being an orphan and never being adopted." (Charles Martin, Unwritten)

Now, I may never be a New York Times Bestselling Author like Charles, or write screenplays for Oscar winning movies. But I do have this blog. And as long as I can help it, I will keep writing and trying to make sense of the crazy thing called life. God has given me this life for a reason, and maybe one day my small little blog will have an impact on someone else, and feed their intense desire to read and escape into a story. And coincidentally will feed my need to write. I've always loved being a nerd. I love learning. And maybe my God-given nerdiness will somehow lead to something bigger than I ever intended...or maybe it will never go farther than your computer screen. If nothing else, I have it for me, and have my story...and the exciting part is what is to come.