Lemons.

I've been pretty AWOL from my blog for the past 6 months, because it has been a really tough ride. And just when I thought it couldn't get any harder, it did.

Thursday started out just like a normal day. I went to work feeling strangely peppy with a lot of energy. I went to my daily meeting and as the meeting went on, I began to feel weirder and weirder. As part of dysautonomia I have what I call bad nerve days. There's really no way to describe it other than my nerves just feel weird. I feel really jumpy and on edge, usually have a pretty significant hand tremor and often feel light headed. These symptoms began to increase during the meeting, but much faster than normal and I just felt like something was really wrong. I called my husband at work and asked him to come get me, fighting to keep a clear head and not let my anxiety make this situation worse. By the time I made it back to my office it was clear this was not going away. The dizziness and vertigo were getting worse so I went to the bathroom to have a space to be alone in, and passed out. I think I was only out for a few seconds, but when I came to, I could no longer walk. We immediately went to the ER, and by this time my whole body was shaking with tremors, my pulse was around 170 and I was in full freak out mode. It was so urgent that they didn't even let my husband in for a while until I was stable - which made the situation that much more terrifying for both of us.

I was transferred via ambulance to a sister hospital that was higher level of care, and have been admitted for the past 3 days.

You know with any medication there are seemingly a hundred different side effects, that all sound pretty terrible. And then there's the really severe consequences down at the bottom that are so rare most people don't even know they're there. You know who somehow seems to always be plagued with the rare, no one will ever get that side effect? That's right - yours truly. In 2006 I was taking a nerve medication and one of the rare side effects was inability to walk. So after a 3 week hospital stay with every test under the sun run, it was determined to be a side effect of the medication, and the next 6 weeks involved me learning to walk again. Well, wouldn't you know it, about a month ago I started taking a different nerve medication in the same family and it's happened again. When I started the medication I warned my doctor of my concern, and she was confident that it wouldn't happen again...but she didn't know my luck with side effects.

So it's been determined that my inability to walk was a symptom of the medicine, but still don't really have a clear indication of what happened when I passed out. Our best guess is it was just an insanely bad nerve day, and I think part of it was at this time the medication had just gone rogue and was disturbing every part of me, and my body had had enough and just went haywire.

I got discharged yesterday after being able to at least stand for a few seconds. I had been there for 3 days and had my pain managed, and with fluid resuscitation believed I had at least gotten over the initial hump and could recover at home and begin learning to walk again much quicker than the last time. But once I got home, without pain management, I began to panic. Why did I leave? It was such a mistake! Here I was exactly where I was 3 days ago, in excruciating pain and no longer able to stand again. It was recommended to me in the hospital to go to inpatient rehab, but I'm stubborn and blew it off, thinking I can handle this myself at home. But now I sit here, wondering if I made the right decision. Still deciding if I want to go or not - but for now I am at home.

I've been sick for a long time, and had to go through some really tough times, but the hardest part for me is when things like this happen because I have no other choice but to be completely dependent on others. Do you know how humiliating it is to have to be carried to the bathroom? To have to ask someone to do absolutely everything for you if it's not within reach of where you are?

This is however the first time I've gone through this experience with my husband. And let me tell you my friends, if there was ever any doubt he was sent for me (which there wasn't), there is absolutely none now. He has been such a saint through this whole thing and has truly been my rock. He has helped carry me to the bathroom, stayed with me on a super uncomfortable hospital couch and been at my beck and call through this whole thing, all the while encouraging me and constantly pushing back against my thoughts of being worthless or an invalid.  He is helping me make the best of this situation. And today, that means getting to decorate my wheelchair and new walker, so it's a little less humiliating and adds a little fun and spark to this sucky situation.

I'm down, y'all. I feel defeated and am so devastated to be back in this place of my legs literally crumbling under me if I try to stand. Last time this happened it took me weeks and weeks to be able to function normally again, and right now all I see if a huge mountain in front of me that I don't know if I have the strength to climb. Thankfully I still have most of this coming week off from work, and can still make the decision to stay home with outpatient PT and do it myself, or go to inpatient rehab and go about it that way. But whatever my decision, as humiliating as this is, I'm asking for your help. I need encouragement, support, and need to know that I have my friends around me right now. I don't know specifically what that means, or what tangible/intangible things I really need - I just don't want to be alone in this.

I know things will get better. They did last time, and they will this time. I know this is temporary and I'm trying so hard to not get in the headspace that this is permanent and how my life will be. But I've got to be honest, I feel like I could feed the world with all the lemons life is giving me right now.