Light in the Darkness.

I was looking and this is only my 5th post of the year, and it's halfway through November! Going back and re-reading my posts and seeing where I was when I started this journey compared to now is pretty amazing. Even though I may be posting less, I feel like this blog is still serving it's purpose of being an outlet of awareness and catharsis for me.

Yesterday was a BAD day - today, not much better. I've written about my bad days plenty of times before. This one was no different - started out with no conceivable cause, leaving me barely able to stand or walk for but a few minutes. Yet emotionally and mentally I don't feel the same as I did yesterday, and how I feel for so many of my long, bad flares...something was different this time. This time, while I was on the floor crying all my tears out as I usually do when I hit this point, indescribably frustrated that I couldn't stand long enough to take a decent shower, there was someone there to pick me up - my fiance. I looked up from my despair and was not physically alone anymore.

Yes, I've had a fiance for a little while now, and in 100 crazy days I will marry my best friend and we will forever be each others - but up until last night I had never truly let him see how low I get in these moments. I was far past my pride and the will to pretend I was anything but devastated, angry and just done. It's so easy to see the difficulties of having a chronic illness and all the toil it brings....but it also brings positives, which I don't take into account often enough. I have NEVER experienced a love like this before, and for once it's not a love in spite of my illness...but because of it. I'm 27, and until I met Jake I never thought I'd get married. I didn't think that anyone would voluntarily chose to take on my additional physical issues and everything that comes with it; especially from past relationships of being told I was a burden and life with me would be too much of a chore. But unknowingly, I walked into a new church in a new town and met the man God always had for me. One who doesn't see my illness as a part of who I am, but rather just something that is there. One who never does anything but encourage and empower me, even in my darkest of moments.

I may have woken up this morning unable to physically function like I usually can, yet my spirits are unusually uplifted and I know it is because of the seemingly impossible to find, unconditional love that I have been blessed with. And when I step back and look at him and our love - I see a shining example of God's love for us. God gave him to me, and me to him, and when I see his face smiling at me for a dumb joke I made or just watch him do life - I'm constantly reminded that this love that is all consuming and incredible, it's just a grain of sand in comparison to the love God has for all of us. And that "happiness can be found, even in the darkest of times if only one remembers to turn on the light."  (Also - 50 points to whoever knows where that quote is from)

Where do you see physical examples of God's love for you? So often we pray to get out of the harder situations in life, instead of learning while we're in the valley. One of my favorite quotes is "Life isn't about waiting for the storm to pass, it's about learning to dance in the rain." The Bible basically promises that we will have hardships in life. Look at our country right now! This election process has unveiled a divided and broken country where it is seemingly impossible to find good news or positive situations. It would be so easy if we never struggled...but without struggle, how can there be growth or change? And often times that is when God uses us the most, or can show us what He wants us to see because in those moments where you just can't find the will to fight anymore or can't see the positive in any situation, we are most vulnerable and willing to try anything. Over the years I have had more encounters than I can count of random people wanting to try and heal me, or make me question my faith because I didn't get the physical healing they and I have prayed so hard for. I don't know how to describe it, and I'm definitely not saying that I'm totally copacetic with being sick - but it's shaped me into the person I am, and continues to shape me. I've said it before, and I'll say it again (mostly because I still need to hear it!) - I may never physically be healed on Earth or know why I have been given the life I have...but God has a plan, and none of this was a shock to Him. It would be super easy to let the negativity and basic suck of this situation rule my life - and for a while it did - but what kind of life is that? Just because I have a harder time physically than others doesn't mean my life is any less important or God doesn't have a plan for my life. It's hard! Even right now my words are half just to convince myself, but not all is lost and dark. I have the ability to have a job in the field I have such a passion and skill for, I have an incredible best friend who is soon going to be my husband, and I have a wonderful support system of family and friends.

There's always light in the darkness, sometimes it just takes a little more work to find it but it's there...do you see it?

Quell!!

It is with a very excited and hopeful heart that I write this post!! As many of you know I daily struggle with intense chronic pain all over. Never easing up, never ceasing. During my flares it gets so intense and terrible that I sometimes can’t even get out of the house. I’ve tried every nerve pain medicine on the market to no avail, and usually ending up with side effects worse than the original problem! But every once in a while on top of this chronic pain I have a left thigh issue that pops up ever couple years and literally feels like I am walking and moving around with a broken femur. The past 2 weeks have been completely excruciating and debilitating, leaving me wheelchair bound even at home.

As with my chronic pain, this breakthrough pain has left doctors without a cause or any treatment that even lessens the pain. Honestly the past couple days have been really tough – physically of course, but emotionally and mentally as well. It’s definitely starting to wear on me and I just feel completely useless and defeated. Yesterday was a series of roller coaster hopes of getting in to see various pain specialists in town but to only have them not work out for one reason or another, or not be able to be seen for months.

I would love to say the next part of the story was a crazy coincidence, but I absolutely know it was God working through the people around me. My mom texted me (aware of my pain level) and said she saw a commercial for this product called Quell. So I did my research thing and looked it up and it’s the only FDA approved device that is supposed to strap around your calf, and through a series of gentle electro stimulation, lessen your chronic pain! Sound too good to be true? I thought so. Also, if it was seen on tv how legit could it really be?? But at this point I’m completely desparate and grasping for straws, and I managed to find a retailer that sold it in a city about  45 minutes away – so I went to get it! This is what it looks like!

The directions that come with it state that some people find relief in 15 minutes and some must wait 2-3 weeks depending on their level of chronic pain and how long they’ve had it (I’ve only had it some 17 years, so naturally I’m banking on this 15 minute business ;) ). I can say after about 30 minutes I start to feel it. It’s a weird sensation, it’s like  the area covered by the band feels tingly and numb like when your foot falls asleep, and as time goes on that sensation is traveling to other nerves, making them feel asleep. Which, when you’re in constant pain, is quite blissful. I won't get too into the science of it. But basically it has electrodes around my leg that stimulate the sensory nerves every other hour for an hour. These sensory nerves are what carry pain messages to the brain, so with some of them "blocked" it allows my body to get endorphins and other natural pain relief signals to my brain when normally it's overloaded with the pain signals and the other messages don't go through.

Having chronic pain makes it hard to have hope. When you constantly search for answers and get excited about a new medicine, treatment, or doctor only to find out that they don’t know how to proceed or the treatment doesn’t work. And after yesterday with my hopes dashed over and over I didn’t want to go into this having an expectations. But I can say – with GREAT pleasure – that it’s now about 17 hours in and I’m already feeling relief in my leg!! It’s minimal, but right now I will take anything I can get! And if it’s already having this much effect, I’m anxiously hoping that in the next couple days it will completely alleviate my thigh issue. And who knows, in a couple weeks what if it took away my chronic pain as well? Or at least lessened it??

I can’t explain the excitement and simultaneous relief it is to find something that is working even a little, and has quite the potential to do a lot!! This is a drug free method that can make my live more bearable! I don't want to get too ahead of myself and call this a success yet, but I think the potential is pretty exciting. And if that means I constantly have to run around looking like I’ve escaped house arrest – that’s a small price to pay ;)

 

 

Rest.

Resting is always an area I've struggled with. My entire life I have thrived on being busy and going non-stop, as do most modern Americans; because we've been almost trained in a way to view being busy as a sign of success. Even amongst friends or co-workers, all the time I hear competitions of who is busier or who has less free time. This mindset has done so much harm to our psyche, and has truly twisted rest into being lazy, when really rest was created FOR us, and a God-given example of rest started at the very beginning with creation.

We were created for rest. God mirrored that example Himself. After all of creation, He rested for an entire day. Did he need to? Probably not, but He understood it's importance. We are human and fallible - needing rest. It's not a sin. It's not something to feel guilty about. And our pride for wanting to be the busiest person shouldn't get in the way of that. Don't mistake rest as being something you're too good for or don't need. Or, if you're like me, don't view it as you are somehow being weak because you need a minute to just get away from everyone and everything. Being chronically ill for my entire life has made me always feel in the back of my mind like I need to prove myself or keep up with healthy people and do just as much as they do, if not more. Recognizing my limitations has always been one of the hardest things for me to do, and certainly is not something I have successfully accomplished- it's always going to be an ongoing fight. But I, moreso than my healthy counterparts, need to rest physically. But our culture has so twisted this God given gift into a sin.I would imagine people have different reasons for not wanting to rest - trying to "keep up with the Jones'", trying to distract themselves from thinking or stewing about a situation/relationship, wanting to prove something, etc. The list could go on for miles! Before feeling like I needed to write this post, I had a real-life moment with myself and with God. Why can't I just rest and relax? I think a huge part of it is so many of us feel guilty for resting.

Most of this post has been about physical rest, but it applies to mental/emotional rest as well. I find myself so many evenings unable to sleep because my mind is RACING. It's truly exhausting! And are any of those thoughts worth losing sleep over? No. Most of them are "what if" questions or walking through every possible scenario for a situation, 99% of which will never actually happen. Until the recently, I've been working or on-call 24/7. To say that I've been getting burned out would be quite the understatement. The past week or two I have noticed quite a few opportunities for me to not have work things on certain days, or getting an unexpected day off. Our natural instinct upon getting these opportunities is an entire day or a couple extra hours to do more work! Running errands, cleaning the house, running around town...none of these are bad things and are in fact necessary! However, when they begin to replace rest, trouble arises. BUT! Instead of doing that, I chose to accept this gift of time, and intentionally rest. And it was SUCH a relief! Forcing myself to get away from my phone, get away from work, and just have a nice relaxing day did wonders for my mental status and physically was great too. And I felt convicted about how I feel about rest in general and how I've been praying about it. Most of you have heard before that when you pray for patience, chances are you're going to be given situations in which you should be patient, rather than being gifted patience itself, and I believe the same is true for rest. So often I pray for strength to get through each day, sometimes each hour (which has it's place in life, for sure); but instead, what if I am being given these little intervals of rest and I'm just missing them? We are called as Christians to lay our burdens down at Christ's feet. We have been given this insane opportunity to not have to carry our own burdens, and how often do we take advantage of it? I know I don't nearly enough, not even close.

Whatever your reason for not resting, whether it be physical/emotional/mental - find out what it is. Once you get down to the reason, you can figure out the best plan to begin resting. Rest for every person may look different, but we all need it. There's no harm in it, and it is in fact encouraged! So often we think of following Christ as going out to all the nations and witnessing (which it is), but we often overlook taking care of the temples God has gifted us for bodies, and we are called to protect and care for ourselves as well. So do yourself a favor today, even if it's 5 minutes, disconnect from work, family, situations going on and just REST. Who knows, maybe God will even use this time to show you something.    

Gratitude.

Lately I have found myself trying to be very intentional in my prayer life about being grateful. And now that I'm typing it out, it sounds crazy! Why in the world would you have to TRY to be thankful for good things?? So often we run to God when our world is crashing down around us, if we need a prayer answered, or if there is a relationship in peril. But think about it - do you willingly run to Him the same way when things are going pretty well?

I once saw something on social media that asked the question "What if you woke up tomorrow with only the things you thanked God for today?" This has always convicted me, because as much as I hate to say it, there are so many times that I don't thank God for all He has blessed me with. Right now I am in an incredible season of life, and I don't think I've ever been this happy. Not at all to say everything in my life is perfect, or there aren't areas that I am trying to improve, but I'm choosing to focus on the immense blessings instead of life's imperfections. And really, why don't we always do that? Sure there's always going to be something to complain about or something that goes wrong; but how much happier would you be if you intentionally chose to focus more of the positive? In the past couple months God has come through in some HUGE ways and answered big prayers for me, some that I've been praying over for years and at some points never knew if an answer would come. Ephesians 5:20 calls us to not only be thankful for everything but to always give thanks - in good times and bad!

Someone indescribably dear to me is going through a situation that I went through, not even 7 months ago. It brings to the forefront how far I've come in that small span of time - and how I should offer nothing but gratitude and praise to God, because He's the only reason any of this is happening. My boyfriend is starting his first full time career-based job, having to move to a new city, and start a new foundation somewhere else. I remember how completely encumbered by anxiety and fear I was when that was me, and it may not have been until recently that I discovered why God brought me here, but there was a reason - and soon he will find his reason for this new life change. I think about all the time I spent cowered in fear and thinking about all the "What if's" that were nothing more than a waste of time. I think of all the opportunities I may have missed to witness to someone or be a part of something, because I was too blinded by my own insecurities to just let go and let God lead me. Philippians 4:6 is one of those verses that keeps coming around to me and it simply says "Do not be anxious about ANYTHING, but in EVERYTHING by prayer and petition with thanksgiving, let your request be made known to God. " If I had just given that up the moment I knew it was happening and just trusted that His plan will ALWAYS blow mine out of the water and be better than I possibly could have imagined, I bet some other life changing moments could have happened.

These days I find myself daydreaming about all the great things going on right now, and I want to savor every moment. We've all had those moments when there is seemingly no good to be found in any direction, and those moments make these grateful ones so much sweeter. You praise and seek God in those dark moments, so how much more should we thank Him for providing the ones where we feel on top of the world? Don't miss moments being wrapped up in unnecessary worry...God already knows what is going to happen. And trust me - it's going to be so far beyond your imagination and expectations that you'll wonder why you ever tried to do it on your own in the first place.

"Give thanks in all circumstances; for this is the will of God in Christ Jesus for you." 1 Thes 5:18

2015!

“Something is going to come out of this. Something new. This can end you up in a whole new place—a better place, a much more open place” -Pema Chodron, author 

I know I'm a couple days late, but better late than never, right?? As I sit here, thoughts racing, pondering what all has happened in the past year I must say I'm a bit overwhelmed! I spent so much of 2014 wishing 2015 would hurry up and arrive, but now it's gone. 

If I had to sum up the past year in one word, it would be change - a word I typically don't like. This past year has been the pinnacle of a lifetime of school work and the beginning of my career. January-July I basically had fallen off the social planet because I was doing my dietetic internship, studying for my RD exam and everything that entailed. I traveled to Iowa for the first time and experienced -20 degree weather, which was...an adventure to say the least. 

Perhaps one of the biggest leaps I made this year was in July. For the first time in my life, I ventured off to a new city where I knew no one and nothing...scary. It is completely unmistakable that God wants me to be in Marble Falls, and 5 months later there are still some days that I wonder what that reason is. I've begun my career, found an incredible home church, and am finally settling into this town I now call home, but this journey is definitely an ongoing process of faith and trust. 

This year was definitely not without it's hardships. Between all the shootings, terrorist attacks, and the largest hurricane in recorded history, there were many moments that made me question what this world is coming to. This year I lost loved ones, as did many others. My dear friend Jessica was tragically taken way too early from this world, sweet Al Brown was taken from us, and I lost my grandpa right before Christmas. 

While this year did have it's low points, there were definitely great memories made! My brother got married, which was an unforgettable experience. And now I have a sister in law AND a niece! Getting to be a part of their special day was a highlight for sure. And for the first time, I hosted Christmas for my family! Not all of us could physically be together, but thanks to technology we still got to experience it with my brother and his bride. 

I'm not really into the whole new year's resolution thing, but going into 2016 I'm hopeful. I'm ready to fully settle into this new place in my life: a new town, becoming more comfortable in my career, hopefully making new friendships, and making the relationships I already have even stronger.