Hello readers! (If there are any of you out there…)
I realize it has been quite a while since my last post,
which makes me sad. I’m going to work at getting back on my posting train and
post more frequently like I used to. Life has just become so chaotic it seems
since my last post. Cliff note version of a “catch up” would be I am now almost
halfway through my first semester in graduate school, and it is quite a change!
I really do enjoy it though, and am really excited to keep learning more about
things I actually care about and have a passion for. I’ve also started working
as a diet tech in a hospital, and my pure joy of loving the days I work is such
a godsend and a message that I am most definitely in the field He has chosen
for me.
Now onto the reason for this post. I realize this is going
to be really long, and chances are it will be several parts, written on
different days with different additions. This post (and the potential few to
come) are really mostly going to be used as a catharsis for me. I’ve always
found I can write out my thoughts better than saying them, and in essence
that’s why I started this blog. It’s a way for me to cope with everything going
on in my life, and if it somehow helps someone else…then that is just how God
is using my blog. So here it goes.
This season of my life has been really tough, to say the
least. I can probably go back through the posts of this whole blog (about 3
years worth!! Crazy.) and find posts of when I have been in valleys and filled
with frustration…yet this time it somehow feels different. Deeper. Harder to
get out of. I have physically been in a “flare up” of sorts for the last 2
months, and it hasn’t gone away. I have recently discovered the reason I am in
pain and exhausted everyday is a result of an autonomic disorder in addition to
my muscular dystrophy. So we sort of know the reason….now its finding a way to
get rid of the symptoms. I’ve accepted my baseline amount of pain and
tiredness…. I’ve lived with it every day for as long as I can remember and
that’s just my “normal”. But these flare-ups are excruciatingly painful, and it
affects my daily life more than normal…and forces me to adapt. I find myself
some days in such a deep place of frustration and exhaustion. I’m so
unbelievably tired of pain, of being tired, and of having to deal with this
disease and all that comes with it. I don’t really like complaining about being
tired or in pain, and usually push through it and go out and do things. I’ve
always figured if I’m going to be in pain I might as well be out living and
having fun instead of sitting at home sulking about it. But now my pain is to
the point where some days I can’t seem to push through it, and my limitations
are growing. I now have to ask for help for things I have been able to do on my
own such as grocery shopping and cleaning my apartment. And while those who
help me do it with such Christ-like attitudes and do it totally out of love…to
me asking for this help and admitting that I need it seems to be such a
negative thing sometimes. It feels like I am a broken, disabled person who
can’t do normal things that everyone else can. And when I get into that thought
process, which Satan knows for a fact is my weak spot, he comes to attack and
gets me into a “worst case scenario” thought process which allows me to
fabricate this future of being in a wheelchair full time and not being able to
do anything for myself. Logically, I know this is ridiculous to fixate on right
now, especially because I have NO idea what God has for me in the future. But
sometimes it’s hard not to go “there”.
I have talked to several very wise people in this “season”
of my life in a desperate attempt at answers. Answers for why this is
happening, when it will be over, why it hasn’t ended yet, and just how I can
get through this in one piece. I know that this will not be my last valley in
regards to my health….and me being the planner I am, I want to have a really
good battle plan for the next time. But I really need that battle plan now. One
person in particular really has/had me thinking of things in ways I’ve honestly
never thought about before. So here comes a lot of the catharsis I was talking
about, but perhaps it can be morphed to someone else’s situation as well. To me
talking about my pain and pointing it out, in my brain, means my disease is
somehow defining who I am – which is something I have busted my tail for my
whole life trying to prove untrue. But it was pointed out to me that my lack of
being open and vulnerable with people and allowing them to help me is a huge form
of pride. And it is making huge assumptions about my friends - that they will somehow look at me
differently or judge me because I’m struggling. Assuming that they won’t carve
out time to help me do little errands I can’t do by myself. I know my friends do not fall prey to these assumptions and my closest friends would
probably be really upset with me if I didn’t share when I needed help and was
struggling. I know I’d be upset if the table was turned. And it was also
pointed out to me that by not sharing my struggles with the community of
believers I’ve been given, I’m not allowing God to use them to love me and show
Himself to me through them. He gave us a community to walk through this life
together with, and to show Himself to us in several ways….and by not asking for
help I am cutting Him short and not allowing my friends to be God to me. Which
isn’t fair to them, God, or me in the long run. My pride can’t overcome my need
to see God.
So I guess here’s the big principle I’m learning: IT’S OKAY
TO BE BROKEN.
It’s okay to be upset, frustrated, angry, sad, and all of
that. It’s okay to let down my guard and not have my brave “everything is
awesome” face on. But I can’t stay in that place that Satan wants me to. He wants
me to think that God has left me, or somehow doesn’t love me because I have to
suffer with this every day and haven’t been physically healed. But none of that
is true! God has created every person – including those with disabilities – in
HIS image…He doesn’t make mistakes. I just finished the book given to me by one
of my spiritual leaders, called Joni. It’s an incredible autobiography about a
woman who had a diving accident at age 17 and became paralyzed. She has
absolutely no feeling or use below her collarbone. And though my case is not as
severe as hers or many others, it was so comforting to read of someone else’s
struggle who truly understood what daily pain was like, and the frustration of
not having function of your arms and legs. It was so refreshing to go through
her struggle with her and know that I am not alone. It was also really
encouraging to read how she has come out of an intense, deep valley and now
sees her wheelchair and accident as a blessing and fully embraces the plan that
God has for her. I am definitely not at the point where I see my MD as a
blessing….but I want to fully embrace God’s plan for me like Joni did. I want
my life to be completely saturated with His love and for my life to be nothing
but a glorification of Him.
I also loved that throughout the book she pointed out
specific scriptures she held on to, and it is now fueling my search and desire
to dig into the Word and really soak up God’s words for me during this season.
In Hebrews 11 it talks about all the people in the Bible like Abraham and Moses
(among several others) who never got to see God’s promises fulfilled, but lived
their life with the faith that they would. They lived for a heavenly life, and
not their earthly life. I may never wake up to see the day when I am healed and
free from this disease. But this life, and more importantly this body, are
temporary. One day I will be with Christ in Heaven, with a perfect and glorious
body that knows no limits. And with that perspective I can pick myself up out
of this hole of frustration. Not to say I am there, by any means, and not to
say I won’t struggle as things progressively get worse or when I hit bumps in
the road…but I will be more equipped to handle them with the perspective that
this pain won’t last forever. In Lamentations 3 it says that though there is
grief in this life the Lord will bring compassion and unfailing love. “For He
does not willingly bring affliction or grief to the children of men (verse
33).” God is going to use my life (hopefully) in some way that will glorify His
name and love. There is most definitely a reason that I have been GIVEN the
life I have…and I may not know the reason why until I see Him…but I rest
assured in the fact that He knows, and really that’s enough. It’s more than
enough.
Serious kudos if you made it this far. I don’t really know
what response I’m expecting from this post, if I’m even expecting one. Just
throwing out some struggles in the hopes that being real will not only allow my
heart to heal, but perhaps others as well.
