Rough.

Today was a rough day to say the least.

I've been having EXTREME pain in my foot from the most recent surgery, where my staples are. They have been giving me so much trouble, but hopefully soon these days are coming to an end. On January 6, I'm going to have surgery to remove them. It shouldn't be a big ordeal, especially after how major these last two were. And I start school four days later, so I don't have time for to be a big deal! Haha. But it's just an outpatient surgery and they're just taking out the staples, and making sure that I don't have tendonitis as well.

I knew that would happen, and it's what I want so I'm not in excruciating pain....and I knew this next part would come eventually, I just didn't think it was this soon.

I'm still processing all that happened today. So most of this is just going to be medical facts, and not my personal take on it....because I don't really have one yet. Well, I do...but it's pretty unstable at this point. Anyways, so I've been having trouble the last month or so with my gait changing and wondering why that's happening. Also my foot has begun to turn back in (one of the things the last surgery fixed) which made me believe for a while that the surgery didn't work...(but it did). This has lead to a pretty fast degression of how I walk, and we went in today for a semi-urgent appointment for this issue as well as the pain. Basically what he said is that one of the key tendons that keeps your foot in a straight position has gone out which is why it's deformng again. That as well as decreased quad muscles has led to my walk being different, and there's nothing to be done about it. This is just my CMT/whatever I have progressing, and once my muscles are gone, they're gone.

So the plan as of now is to get a brace to wear basically all the time to help put my foot in the right spot so I can walk longer. And he said that the more it atrophies, the more I'm going to need assistance devices. AKA My worst nightmare and what I've been scared of my whole life. I already use a wheelchair super part time, but as time goes on this will be more often. But with my condition there's no definitive timeline, so it's sort of a wait and see type of thing. So for all I know nothing will change for years! Here's hoping.

There really isn't much else to say at this point. That's where I am physically, and am still working on the emotionally and mentally part. It's rough. That's really all I can say at this point. Not sure if anyone even reads this anymore, especially since it's been so long since my last update. But there it is.

Happy Birthday Vertical!!!

Today is a great day.

This day last year one of the greatest things of my time at Baylor happened for the first time: Vertical.

If you've read my blog for any span of time, chances are you've read about Vertical and how much I love it. I'm one of the biggest advocates ever and absolutely LOVE it and have been SO blessed this past year to have it as part of my life every week.

A year ago God started something big on Baylor's campus, that started in the hearts of several students. This time is for students to get together and worship, and just revel in the Word. It is such a refreshing way to start my week, and now my week feels really incomplete without it.

Not only do I love the fellowship and learning I get every week but I love everything it stands behind. EVERY week Afshin is so intentional about saying that Vertical is NOT to take the place of church, and if it's between going to Vertical or church on Sundays, they'd rather you not come to Vertical. It's just like an extra supplement to kick off your week with the right attitude.

I LOVE, LOVE Vertical and if you haven't gone...you need to!

NEW YORK!!

I am back in Texas!

I don't even know where to begin!! This whole weekend has seriously been one of the best ever, and it went way too quickly! And I have about a million other things that still need to get done tonight, so I'll try to make this short. (yeah right)

We left about 5 am Thursday morning, and spent the next 6ish hours traveling. When we got to NYC, we basically just walked around Time Square (where our hotel was), and just got the lay of the land...and some food! Planet Hollywood was one of the first things we found, so we settled for that. We really didn't do too much because we were tired, however....we did find possibly the two greatest stores ever. Right across the street from each other. That's right. The Hershey store and M&M World. Seriously. THREE floors of nothing but M&Ms and M&M paraphanalia! Such greatness! Then it started to rain so we were forced back into our hotel for the evening. But since I was running on an hour of sleep, I was grateful for an early evening. Which in turn was actually a really rough night for me. My muscles do not handle traveling well anymore, and I slept for about an hour or two, and then was awake because I couldn't sleep through the pain that was ALL OVER my body. I just ached all over and couldn't sleep, and even my pain medicine didn't help. Rough night. However, I was in NY....couldn't let it get to me!

The next day we got tickets on the double decker buses that toured Downtown/Midtown/Uptown Manhattan, and Brooklyn. The great thing about this bus was we had tickets for two days, could ride as we pleased and get off and on wherever we wanted! The first day we basically just took the whole tour because we wanted to see everything. We ended up at Staten Island and got on the ferry to go see the Statue of Liberty and Ellis Island!! It was SO cool to see those places/things in person!! Basically that's how the whole trip was...finally being at all these famous places and not having to just look at pictures. (Although now I have my own facebook album of pics, if you're interested!) I was surprised that I didn't take more, but really it was hard on the bus, and at the shows we weren't really allowed to much. After that we headed back to the hotel (the whole tour, depending on the RIDICULOUS traffic took about 3 hours) and got ready for...WICKED!! We ended up being able to walk to the theater because it was relatively close. So that was nice...but cold! It was in the 50s most of the time, and the windchill made it much colder! Wicked was, I don't even know, absolutely incredible!! It was my first Broadway show, and it was one I've wanted to see for years. It was such a great production. And the woman who played Glinda graduated from Sam Houston! Small world. After the show we went to this Irish pub called Charley O's to grab some dinner and I had some of the best ribs I've ever eaten.

Saturday we just did kind of whatever. We rode the bus to a different shopping district and messed around in midtown Manhattan for a while, and then went to the Rockefeller Center, or The Rock. One of the tour guides told us that if we were choosing between the observation decks of the Rock and the Empire State building to pick this one. And it was SO AMAZING!!! It's about 850 feet above the streets, and the only thing separating you from it is a clear, thin wall. SO GREAT!!! My dad was getting really nervous, but mom and I weren't at all even slightly freaked out. It was so awesome!! The view was absolutely INCREDIBLE! Pics are on my facebook if you want to see...and we had the perfect view of the Empire State building, and Central park....the whole city really. We didn't last too long up there just because the wind made it absolutely freezing!! Then we rode back to our hotel and got ready for....Blue Man Group!!!! We had to take a taxi for this show, because it was in Grenwich Village. My first taxi by the way. So much fun! We got there a little early, so we went in a Starbucks a few blocks away to wait...and it was HUGE! By far the biggest Starbucks I've ever seen. I guess it has to be if it's going to be in NY, and right by the Subway. But the performance was SO GREAT! I've wanted to see them for so many years, and it's even more awesome than watching their videos. We were in the second row, part of the "poncho section". The Blue Men had thoughtfully provided us with ponchos as to not ruin our clothes with their various materials that happened to go into the audience. In our case, a few splatters of paint and chewed up Twinkies, and some Cap'N Crunch haha. And I can now officially say that audience participation is terrifying. All 3 of us got picked for various parts of it. Before the show started they lit up our seats and said we would be leading the audience in the Star Spangled Banner...and just as mom started singing they said just kidding. Later one of the blue men started climbing on the seats through the audience...and he thoughtfully stopped on my chair. So hes literally standing on my armrests over my head and I was trying SO hard not to move! I was so scared he was going to fall or if I moved I would knock him off! And everyone was laughing because apparently he was making faces at me. And then towards the end they had those strobe lights that make you look like you're moving really choppy and you can't see swift movements, and one of the blue men magically appeared about an inch from my moms face and just stared at her. She screamed. Haha it was so great. One of the greatest shows, even though it's technically off Broadway.

And today was all traveling, and I unfortunately have a stats test tomorrow that is calling my name. But it was SUCH an amazing experience and I can't wait to go back. I can't decide if I could make it on the streets of New York. I'd love to, but only for a very short time period I think. Oh my gosh, the driving is CRAZY!!! I thought we were going to crash so many times. They don't even have street lines in most of the city, mostly because even if they were there no one would follow them. Cars/Taxis just zoom in and out of lanes like it's nothing. And when they stop they are literally less than an inch away from the one in front!!! So nerve wracking. But they all drive crazy together, so it all works out, right?

That's the crazy cliff note version of my trip, and I'll have more details if you ask. But seriously, LOVED it and had such a great time!

KXA

Nothing too exciting has been happening, but next weekend after my trip to NY I will have PLENTY to blog about I'm sure!! I am SO excited!!!

I can't remember if I've talked about this explicitly, or just implied it in previous posts, but I'm in KXA, a Christian sorority. Last night we had our monthly Dress & Pin meeting which is just a fancy way of saying that we all dress up that day, and have a mini worship service before our normal meeting. I absolutely love those times with all my sisters...there's just something so amazing about worshipping with people you see on campus all the time.

We had a few alumni come back and talk to us about how KXA affected their time at Baylor in retrospect, and it really made me realize even more how incredibly blessed I am to be in this sisterhood. Never again am I going to get this opportunity. To be in such close sisterhood with all these incredible women who have the same beliefs I do.

Thinking back, besides the fall of my freshman year, I don't have a member at Baylor that doesn't include KXA. I wouldn't have some of my closest friends or my roommate without KXA...and I wouldn't have grown as much spiritually as I have without them either. It's no surprise that the past year has been one of the hardest, if not THE hardest, in my life...and without them I could not have gotten through it. They have been SUCH an encouragement to me and never cease to make me smile. They are always there for me when I need to vent, or laugh, or cry...or just a study buddy to make the grossness of homework go by faster.

These girls have challenged me in my faith, encouraged me when I was down, and celebrating my victories with me as if they were their own. That's not something you find everyday! I am constantly surrounded by Godly women who I will have in my life forever.

I love every single of one those girls so much, and would be lost without them. Being in KXA is one of the best decisions I have ever made...and I really hope that you have some sort of fellowship like this. Because it's indescribably amazing.

Hola!

Well, things are looking up since my last post :) Last night was BYX Island Party, and it was SO amazing! I got to see Matt Maher, Addison Road, and Tenth Ave North. All of which I LOOOVE! Such a great time, especially after such a stressful week!

I don't have too much to update really, so this shall be a short post.

Today I'm going to a ceramic painting place with one of my best friends and I am SO excited! I think I'm making a bowl, but we'll see what happens!

Control.

So, I have an issue. I'm sorta, kinda, really, completely a control freak. And since college started 3 years ago (which ps, how am I already a junior?!) it has hit me in the face several times.

When I found out about my surgery in December, I literally scheduled it for 2 weeks after I found out I needed it, and then had to unregister for the Spring semester. That hit me HARD and it has taken me a LONG time to get over that. If you know me, you know what a planner I am. Heck, I make plans to make plans. My close friends know that messing with my calendar is like the biggest offense ever. You may laugh or smile at that, and as pathetic as it is, it's true. My life is one big plan. It wasn't in the plan for me to take a semester off. I know it happens to a lot of people, either for academic or financial or some other reason...and that's fine and dandy. But it wasn't ever supposed to be for me. I wasn't going to take a semester off. But I HAD to have this surgery. And I HAD to have it right then, so I had no choice and took the semester off. That was one of the reasons for starting this blog, was to journal what's going on with me and exploring what God has planned for this crazy, unpredictable time in my life and let Him use this for His glory.

This fall I am back in classes and am SO, SO incredibly happy to be back and getting back to normal life. But today I go in to talk to my advisor, to map out the next 2 years of my life. And yes, she was shocked I was coming in to do this haha. And it turns out, that semester that I didn't think would affect me, is now causing me to be unable to graduate on time. Right after I walked out of the building I called my mom and just cried. I finally thought things were back on track and I was recovering from all the insanity of the past 9 months, and reality slaps me in the face and my plans once again go down in flames. I know a TON of people take an extra semester, year, or sometimes even longer to graduate. And kudos to them, I know everyone is different and sometimes it just takes longer. But as the situation before was, it's fine for someone else...but not for me. Staying an extra semester was not in the plan just as much, if not more so, as taking a semester off. I know that putting this out of the web and falling apart about this will probably bring some judgment and some people may even tell me I just need to get over it. But this is a big deal for me. Today I'm letting myself be sad and frustrated about it, and then I'll get over it. I know there's nothing I can do about it and this is just the way it's going to be. God DOES have a plan for all of this, and even though right now I can't even see a glimpse of that, I know He's got it.

The past couple weeks I've been so proud of myself because I'm getting close to wearing my boot only about half of the time, and I've been going to the gym and doing my therapy consecutively and have really been able to see a difference. But yesterday I fell, and busted up my knee and twisted my foot even though I had my boot on. So now I have extra pain and healing that has to happen before I can continue on with my therapy. When I fall, which I'm learning is semi-frequent...it takes a long time for me to recover and it really throws me off; and not just physically.

These past 9 months have been such a trying time for me physically, emotionally, and spiritually. Maybe that's part of why I'm going through all this....to learn that my plans aren't set in stone and that God's plan is what I need to focus on, and what is a bazillion (yes, bazillion) times better than mine. So needless to say...I have no idea what's going to happen in the next few years and that drives me NUTS! But I know that God has it in His control, and I am trying to find peace in that.

The semester begins!

It's been a few days since I updated! Not really sure how many people care to read this, but here it is nonetheless.

School is now in full swing I suppose, and my favorite part of the semester has commenced...that's right ladies and gents, Vertical has returned!! I can post my notes about it probably this weekend, they're currently in my car haha. But it was SO great! I missed it so much this summer. It was at the baseball fields too, which was a really cool experience.

This week has been really challenging for me, truly in all aspects. Trying to get used to be in school again has been an adjustment, even though it's only been a year it's an adjustment! But that on top of having to get to my classes and such with my boot on has been crazy physically challenging. That has created emotion craziness because I'm just tired of everything being 20x harder for me than other people, and just being in the boot to begin with, and working really hard on finding new therapy options that will get me out of it quicker, and the list goes on and on.

And in addition to that I'm having to learn how to balance work and school, but I think I'm finally starting to get the hang of it. It's been a rough week full of changes, something I am so NOT fond of...but I'm working through it :)

The storm last night was SO AMAZING!!! It's been a while since there's been a good thunderstorm, and now I have a balcony to go out and stand on and just listen to the pouring rain :)

Well, that's basically my life right now. This weekend should be pretty fabulous. Hanging out with some new friends tomorrow with my roomie, Saturday one of my high school friends is coming for the day and it's the first football game! Then the Phi Chi Stoplight party which I am super stoked about! And I'm sure lots of other fun adventures.

Hope you're having a great week!

Awe.

As I write this, I am just in awe of everything God is doing in my life. Today at church, He was so there are SO real. It started off really great anyway, because this semester our Sunday school class is going to go through Crazy Love by Frances Chan, a book I never got the chance to finish...and all of the Baylor students are back, and things are starting to feel more normal.

But today after the sermon, a few of the members did cardboard testimonies and it was just such a vulnerable, God-filled time. If you don't know what I'm talking about it, here's the actual video from church yesterday : http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-xJpBpz5zwE&feature=player_embedded. And I have always gotten goosebumps watching the videos, but seeing it in person....knowing some of the people who held up those boards....brought almost everyone (including me) to tears. God is SOOO powerful, and can conquer so much...but we have to be willing to be open, and broken.

For the past several months I've really been struggling with forgiveness. One person in particular. My heart has been SO inecredibly hard towards said person, and it's really been weighing heavily on me. I've been praying for my heart to be softened, and the past couple weeks the sermons have really just hit me hard with conviction....and I have been broken. I have taken a huge step toward forgiveness, but not there quite yet. I'm learning that bitterness and anger, and holding grudges not only can prohibit relationships, but it can also hinder your spiritual life. I am learning so much and am so open to what God has planned for me, not just with this relationship but with everything else in my life. And now that I am broken and vulnerable I can see so much more clear.

It was a great day. I'm so excited to start school tomorrow and just to see everything He has planned for me semester, because I know it's big. It's incredible. And I can't wait to live it out :)

Parla come magni.

So I'm reading Eat Pray Love, and I really am enjoying it! I originally started it before the movie, but didn't get a chance to finish it before the movie came out, but I'm working on finishing it before school starts.

I sometimes am sad that we speak English. I know that sounds really strange....but how many times have you heard in translations that there just isn't a good English comparative?? I know I've heard it several times in church when trying to literally translate from the original Greek and Hebrew....the English comparatives just don't sound the same or bring the same intensity. And while reading this book, it would appear the same case is with Italian.

I'm not going to give away anything that happens, but on Liz's journey she does learn Italian. Over and over she marvels at how extravagant and beautiful the language is, and it really is! But one of the Roman phrases she talks about really stuck out to me. "Parla come magni". It just sounds so fluent and free flowing! It literally means "speak the way you eat" or in her own personal translation "Say it like you eat it." And to Americans, this doesn't make sense. It's just a reminder that when you can't seem to find the right words to say, or you don't know how to explain what you're thinking, to just say it like Roman food is made...simple. Romans use the simplest ingredients and don't make a big production of their food.

I just thought this was a really cool phrase. So many times in my life I have found myself without words. Tons of thoughts, but no way to put it into words. So many times I overanalyze everything and make things harder than they have to be. So I should just speak it like I eat it...and just have it be simple and lay it on the table.

If You Really Knew Me....

A few days ago my best friend told me about this show she was watching on MTV, and today I was given the opportunity to see it for myself. It's called If You Really Knew Me.



http://www.mtv.com/shows/if_you_really_knew_me/series.jhtml



On the website you can watch full episodes and recaps, I most definitely recommend it!



Anyways, the premis of the show is that these 2 people go into high schools and film what really goes on. Bullying, cliques, the whole shabang that we all know goes on in every school. They bring the students together and make them get real with each other. I've had chills the whole time watching this, it's so amazing. Our world would be SO different if we were just real with each other like this all the time, instead of putting on these facades and faces for people. I'll be the first one to stand up and say a lot of the time I try to hard to put on a brave face and hide what I'm really feeling, with the excpetion of a few people who I can truly be real with and they can be real with me. But why?? Why does our society tell us that we can't be real? That we have to put up this detached front? Make fun of other people so we feel better?



They do a lot of incredible activities, making it completely real what is going on with people you pass in the hall everyday. A lot of the times we aren't even aware of the problems our friends are facing...because we don't ask.



Vinny, one of the Challenge Day leaders who goes to all these schools, shares his story and how he felt trapped to hide his emotions when his mom died. And NONE of his friends (who were with him when he recieved the news) told him they were sorry, or that they were there for him or could call him no matter what time. He had no support. Can you imagine that?? For some people that's a reality. How incredibly sad is that??



The feeling of being real is a mutual thing, I mean you can't just wear your heart on your sleeve and be real and have that not reciprocated. Can you imagine how different our world would be if we put ourselves in other people's shoes, thinking about our actions and their effect before we did anything, if we were real with people?



So the question is....what would people see....if they really knew you?

Craziness.

Hola everyone!

I realize it has been a little bit since my last post, but things have been crazy! I have been working a lot and it's been slightly overwhelming but I'm really loving it! There is SOOO much information we have to know about the products, and basic nutrition info...but I think I'm finally picking it up and starting to feel more confident about it. Now I just have to start talking to customers haha.

Speaking of which, I'm actually about to head off to work now but I wanted to give a quick update. So that's been my life lately, and learning a ton of stuff! I've actually already had a friend ask me about a product during a regular conversation, and being the nerd I am, I got really excited and probably gave him way more info than he wanted haha.

Lots of things going on aside from work, but I don't really have the time to expound at the moment. Hope you're having a great week!

Workin' girl!

I got my first job!!! I am BEYOND ecstatic! It's a sales associate at GNC (General Nutrition Centers) and it seriously is nothing but a God thing. I wasn't looking for a job (but have wanted one forever) and it just sort of fell into my lap.

My mom and I walked in there I guess a week and a half ago to get some alfalfa tablets for my mom (awesome stuff btw). I was just messing around when the guy was telling us all the nutritional stuff about the things we asked about and I said 'I should totally work here!" And the guy was like actually, we're looking for someone and he gave me an application. I turned it in the next day with my resume (which btw, is really hard to make when you have zero job experience)...and got called in for an interview! I had a ton of personal references to make up for my lack of business experience and references, and it was between me and this other guy.

I was SO nervous and I wanted this job so badly, but I wasn't going to worry about it. Right after I got the application I just continued to pray that if this was something God has for me that it would happen, and if I wasn't supposed to do this then it just wouldn't happen. I really didn't think I would get it because the interviewer kept telling my references that she was worried about the time commitment with my sorority and how that might interfere with me being about to work. But anyways I was genuinely at peace about it (although still having the natural amount of anxiety waiting to hear!) and yesterday I got the call saying I got it!

I start training tomorrow!! This is such a God job. It came at a time when I REALLY need a victory in my life. I'll be working with other nutrition majors, and everything I learn I can use in my future job and really apply it not only to my career but to my personal life as well. Everything is just piecing together, like it's ordained from above which I know it is.

So after tomorrow I will definitely write about my first day...but I'm so excited!! God is watching out for me....and if I trust Him, good things will happen.

Thanks

Today was the first Sunday I got to go to church since surgery!!! I missed it so much, and absolutely love my church.

Brian talked about the Spirit of Thanksgiving today, and it was definitely a message I needed to hear. From the Shakespeare play, King Lear, a famous quote has risen: "How sharper than a serpent's tooth it is to have a thankless child." I imagine that is how God feels so much of the time with us, and especially me.

He also compared our magnitude of gratitude to basically any product on the market these days. There's always a good, better, best of the same product. The same is true for our thanksgiving.

It's good to give thanks for our past (pretty easy)
It's better to give thanks for our future challenges (still do-able)
It's best to give thanks for our present difficulties (super hard)

And that really hit me. My first reaction was, why would I ever be thankful for the hard times I'm going through right now? Why would I be thankful for this pain and hardship? But truth be told, I don't have ANY idea what God is going to do with me through this experience, and everyday that I live. I mean even with all the surgeries I have had, I recently was given the opportunity to help someone else who is having a really hard time post-op, and having to be physically limited for a while. Now, I'm not sure if anything I said helped...but just the fact that I had the perspective to offer was totally a God thing.

Now, while not every pain in my life or yours is physical...nonetheless we are told in Ephesians 5:20 to be thankful ALWAYS, in EVERY circumstance. It doesn't say to be thankful sometimes, when the conditions are favorable....or just for a few circumstances. As hard as it is, we must be thankful for absolutely everything we go through...something I will daily strive to do.

The Process.

Okay, so confession time. I have been a complete slacker when it comes to my Bible study. If you've read my blog from the beginning you know I had started a new study called Forged in the Fire, and was keeping an update of it every week. I don't remember how or why I stopped, and then my surgery happened so I just got out of the habit. But I am doing my best to get back in the habit.

I'm still learning about David and all the preparation he went through before he was raised to the throne. So far this week it's been focused on David having to run from Saul and having to find refuge in the wilderness as he literally run for his life at times. I think this is a lot of the times what no one focuses on, and some of the passages I can say I've never read before. Everyone focuses on him being a king and all the good things he did there, which is great and important, but the preparation is so crucial!

This week Principle Three was presented:

God's loving tests continue until we come to a place of utter dependence on Him. We learn to look to Him and behave in ways consistent with God's character, regardless of whatever injustice, trial, or opportunity for temporary personal gain comes our way.

I am finding this true more and more each day. The past couple days I just haven't felt very well and my entire body just hurts. And for me currently, a physical test is forcing me to be utterly dependent on Him. THis applies for any trial in life, physical or not. It's a way to bring you closer to Him.

I'm definitely in a frustrated phase right now, and tired of pain and ready for this to all be over. I know one day all this will be behind me, I do. I know that I won't be in pain forever and that this is just a process. But right now, to be honest, it's really sucking. But like David, the preparation is crucial. God has some crazy awesome plan for me, and this is the refining process I have to go through to be ready and be all that I can be for His greater glory.

You Gave Me A Promise

Fireflight is one of my new bands that I really like, and this song is absolutely the song of my heart right now. The past couple nights have been really hard for me in a pain perspective, and sometimes it's really hard to remember that this pain isn't going to last forever and that there is a light at the end of the tunnel. I think my dad is starting to pick up on it too, because for the past couple days he's been constantly reminding me that the pain will go away and it will get better. I like to fancy myself Wonder Woman, this picture of bravery and strength....but I'm fighting to maintain that, and frankly I'm losing. But like this song says, God has given me so many promises that this pain is not forever and He is watching out for me and taking care of me. And right now I just need to cling to that...under the lyrics there is a link so you can listen to this song if you want...definitely recommend it!

The waves are crashing down on me
But I know that this cannot be the end, be the end
Right now I feel like copping out
Will You hold me up, if I just say
That I will stay?

I will hold on to this hope that I have
You gave me a promise, You gave me a promise
I'll push through this moment, I'll never give up
You gave me a promise, You gave me a promise

I'm so tired that I can't stand
But I know that time will heal this heart, heal this heart
With every door that's slamming shut
A new one's there to lead me where You, where You are

I will hold on to this hope that I have
You gave me a promise, You gave me a promise
I'll push through this moment, I'll never give up
You gave me a promise, You gave me a promise

You call out to me
You're just out of reach
But I'm closing in
I'm still going, still believing in Your word

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xfTAxizzjpc

What's missing from Obama's press conferences?

I's not a teleprompter....See the other president's pics for a clue.

George W. Bush

Bill Clinton

George H. W. Bush

Ronald Reagen

That's right....no American flags!!

He told you he would change America, didn't he?

Rain.

Rain is one of my favorite things in the world. Just knowing there's a chance of it brings a smile to my face. When I hear it I run to the window to watch it, and if the situation is good then I go run out in it. If they aren't right and I can't for some reason go out, I still stare out the window pretending I'm playing in it. Today I say outside on the bench just watching the rain and listening to it. It's just one of my favorite things.

There's something just so calming about it, I can't explain it. I just love it.

It's arrived!

The day of walking has finally arrived! It has been a long six weeks, and I am so excited to move on to the next recovery phase! Right now, and probably for about the next two weeks, I can only put partial weight on it, and then I can put my full weight on it.

Now comes the very literal part of my blog name. It's going to be a long road of learning to walk, and then in a couple weeks learning to walk basically without assistance. I do get to pull a House and have a cane for a while, which is different from the first surgery. This leg is my long one, so the boot is heightening the difference, whereas with my other foot it made it really easy to walk because the length was almost the same. Starting today I also have to start my therapy, which is pretty painful...but quite necessary. I have to get used to moving my foot again.

I can see the light at the end of the tunnel, I just have to get there.

The next phase.

YAY!!! It's finally happened, I got my cast off!!!

Since it's only been 5 weeks since surgery, for the next week I still have to act like I have a cast and have no weight on it. Thankfully he didn't put me in another cast for just a week. But after a week, I can start to put partial weight on it, and after about 2ish weeks I can begin to walk normally on it. It's going to be a painful process, I can already tell.

Tonight for about 30 minutes I took off my boot to take a shower and was barefoot. Even without moving my foot extraneously, after I put my boot back on I was in crazy intense pain...I'm not looking forward to the pain of putting weight on it. But hereinlies the more literal part of my blog title...I'm about to learn how to walk...again. It's going to be a long process, but in the end I am excited for the outcome.

Today I got out of the house for almost the whole day, which was such a blessing. I am getting crazy cabin fever and will take just about any chance to get out of the house. We went to a few places in search of a fabulous Father's day present, and totally scored. Then we voted on the run off senate election (If you haven't voted, go and do it now!!) Then we went to Target just to look around because I didn't want to go home yet haha. I got a realllly cute shower curtain for my new apartment, and got some leads on some art for my room. I am awful at decorating, but I really want some pictures or art in my room....ps if you have any ideas let me know! I tried to find pictures of the 2 I liked, but I can't find it on the website :( Anything bright in color would be awesome because that's what my bed spread is and basically everything I own haha...Bright green, blue, you know... :)

Anyways, that's the latest on me. I suppose I should try to sleep now. Adios!

Attitude.

Hello all!



I have a video for my blog today...yay! I'm not sure how many of you know this man, but Matt Chandler is one person that I could never get tired of hearing. His messages hit you right in the heart, and when he speaks at conferences and camps I always felt like he was talking directly to me. He has taught me so many things, and has been such an example of a Godly person and someone to emulate. Again, not sure how updated any of you are on his life, but the past few months he has been battling brain cancer. Just about every week he makes a video blog updating everyone on his chemo and what the doctor is saying etc, and as of right now things are going pretty well. And of course, his spirits have never gone down during this process. But ever since I saw this vlog of his when he made it in December, it hasn't left my mind. Even in this tragic time in his life, he is still challenging people...and this video in particular is super challenging to me. So watch, and I hope it will challenge you too. The part I'm referring to doesn't start til about 1:15 in case you wanted to fast forward.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SMerKVKssQU&feature=player_embedded

Man, that just hits me really hard. Here is someone who was just diagnosed with brain cancer, and has a very real chance of dying soon....and yet he is happy. He feels blessed even! That sounds ridiculous to most people, but yet I envy him. I envy his closeness with God and that he feels so blessed despite his circumstances. I hardly ever think of my disease as a blessing, and it's way less serious than Matt's. I mean it's hard to compare severity of diseases sometimes...but at least mine isn't terminal. So why should I complain? It's without a doubt that I would not have the relationship with God that I do if I was completely healthy. I have no choice but to depend on Him, because I have nothing else to depend on. I don't have myself to fall back on. My body fails me daily, and some days like today I wake up and every muscle in my body just aches. I'm just went through 2 major surgeries so I'll be able to walk for more years...but God always gets me through. And though having MD has brought me to a much closer walk with Christ and that is a blessing, I never say it like Matt does. I never am happy that I was chosen to have this or that now I get to be on the other side and glorify Him through suffering.

One day I really hope I can have that attitude.

Exciting!!!

I went to the doctor this morning and....*drumroll*.......no more infection!!!!

I'm so excited!! I don't have to pack my incision anymore, and it should close up on it's own in the next few days. Today is the last day of my antibiotics so after that I'm home free!

Another piece of exciting news is that today I get to move back up to my room! Being couch bound in the living room has its perks, but I'm ready to get back to my room! I still have my cast on for another week, so I'll probably be crawling around haha but that's ok. Which ps, only one more week! I can't wait to have my foot back! Well, I'm going from cast to boot so it won't be completely free but it's one step closer!

Without words.

I am always looking for clever things to put as my facebook status, most of the time because I'm not clever enough to think of my own haha. I was searching tonight and found a really good quote, and it really hits home with how I feel right now.

"In prayer it is better to have a heart without words than words without a heart." - Gandhi

I've never really sat and thought about it before, but that's true! I mean, upon reflection, I act on this...although sometimes not in the best way. When I pray I feel sometimes like I have to have so much to talk about and I feel like I just have to talk...but so much of prayer is listening. And God knows our heart, so he knows what we're thinking and feeling even if we don't tell him.

So many times in the past weeks I have just been without words. There are so many situations going on in my life right now that I don't know what to feel about. Some I have no control over, such as my physical situation which includes everything from this infection that won't go away to just everyday life for me and the things I have to deal with. But others I do have control over, like certain relationships and how I respond to them. There are a couple relationships in my life that are a bit rocky right now and I hate it and can't stand the way we are....but I honestly don't know what to do about it. I literally sit around and think about what to do and I get nothing....my mind is a blank slate.

Why is it so easy to call up a friend and lay out a situation and ask for advice and just listen? Why don't I automatically do that with God? Why do I feel like I always have to fill my prayers with words, rather than just sitting still and letting Him speak to my heart and guide me in the way I should go??

Not really sure what is to come of this post...just things I'm thinking about.

Hitting the Limit.

The infection saga continues...

I went to the doctor today and he says the antibiotics are working! Yay! The pain is noticeably less and I don't have a fever anymore so that's awesome. He wants to wait til Friday to get some blood work and have a few more days for the medicine to kick in to make the next move. If progress keeps on it's current track then we're just going to let the antibiotics do their thing and run it's course...but if the discharge doesn't lessen up or my fever returns or pain gets worse, then going in surgically to wash it out will become a more likely possibility. The waiting and such wouldn't be so bad except for having to change the packing stuff inside it twice a day. It's SOOO beyond painful, but soon it will be over.

I'm reaching my frustration limit, which doesn't happen much and is not a place I like to be. Today the nurses and my doctor and others have been saying over and over "This is just a little bump in the road" and yes, I know they mean well and are trying to be encouraging but it's not sometimes. I know it's a bump in the road. I'm so tired of bumps in the road. I'm tired of pain and things going wrong. I'm so ready for all this to be over so I can recover and get back to my non couch bound existence.

Alright, rant is over. There's your update and peek into my brain so there you go. I hope you're having a great summer!

No fun.

You know what infection are? Zero fun.

If you read my update note on facebook, you know last night I had to go to the ER because of my hip incision being infected. They numbed up the site and got a lot of the fluid out (A TON). It feels a little better today, but I'm still in a ton of pain. We have to clean it about 3 times a day and change the dressing, and it looks horrible. But I'm definitely not out of the woods yet, because I think it's starting to get worse actually.

I think Tuesday I'm going to see my doctor and he's going to take a look at it. (Of course he's out of town this weekend so he doesn't know any of this is going on). And worst case scenario if they aren't pleased with what's going on then there's a possibility of having surgery on Thursday to get in there and really clean it out. So we'll see what happens.

Really that's all that's going on with me. But infections are really serious, especially with my compromised immune system....so I'm praying this works. I'm taking an antibiotic and it's the size of a horse pill...it's HUGE! The pain is slightly less from last night, so that's good. But I still can't move at all without searing pain...so that's getting really frustrating.

***Disclaimer: If you don't like medical talk, or get queasy, skip this paragraph***
Tomorrow we have to take out the packing in my hip. There's basically like a shoestring in the incision he cut last night, and it needs to be changed. So yes, my incision is open which is a really strange feeling and doesn't make me feel that good either. That's going to be absolutely torturous to take out, and then my mom has to put new packing in it. UGH. Not looking forward to that.


Alrighty friends, talk to you later!

Sunshine.

Today, for the first time in quite some time, I got to go outside. The only times I've been out since my surgery have been to go to the doctor, but that's just going from the car to a building and back...not really enjoying being outside.

But today! Today I got to go out on our courtyard and just sit in the sun and it was absolutely fabulous! I forgot how amazing it feels to just be bathed in the warmth of a sunny day. It's so easy to take for granted something as simple as the sunshine, but I never will again. :)

Hope you're enjoying your summer!

"This is the day the Lord has made; let us rejoice and be glad in it!" Psalm 118:24

The End.

Well, after six incredible seasons and a two and a half hour finale...LOST is over. It's really crazy the international following it has. Even the cast is from all over the world!

I was talking to my best friend tonight, a fellow LOST watcher, tonight as we were watching the 2 hr review with the cast and writers putting in their input, and I was telling her how jealous I was of those writers. I mean I was I had that kind of brain to come up with this incredible show that has so many twists and turns. I mean every single episode I had a least one moment where my jaw literally dropped. It never got old! Such a brillant show, just plain brillant!

AH! I just can't explain how much I love this show. I mean, anyone who knows me well knows my slight (ha) obsession with Gilmore Girls. There is never a time when I'm not cycling through all the seasons, and I can quote any scene from any episode...it's rather sad, I must admit. Yet, I think LOST beats GG! The plot, storyline, attention getting ability of LOST is something that I've never experienced with any other show, and I feel like it will be hard to beat. It's just brillant! I wish there was a better word, but that pretty much sums it up. Brillant.

I really hope these writers start something else after this, with their crazy awesome writing skills who knows what will happen. If you don't watch LOST, then you definitely need to!!!

Update.

Hello world!

I am blogging from my couch! I am now 4 days out of surgery and hanging in there. Being in the hospital for initial pain management was SOOO much better than doing it outpatient like we did last time. The doctor said everything went well and he's really happy with how it went. Now I just have to get through the recovery. I'm still in quite a bit of pain and am still trying to control it, but I'm doing ok overall.

I go back in 2 weeks to get the stitches taken out of my hip and get a cast on instead of my splint, so that's going to be a rough day but it's an important milestone in the process.

I can't thank y'all enough for all the prayers and support. And if you have any anti-boredom ideas I def am listening!! Love y'all!!

Long time no blog!

It's been forever since I last wrote! For the past couple weeks I've actually been busy, which has been such a nice change of pace!

This past weekend I got the chance to go to Houston, which was SO much fun! My main purpose was to attend the FUMC Grad banquet, but along the way I got to see a lot of friends that I haven't seen in SO long, years in some cases! It was so amazing getting the chance to catch up with everyone. I can't believe my gangsters are graduating!! Time flies by so quickly.

The semester is coming to a close, and it's so strange to not have finals or spend all my waking hours studying...wish I was though, as strange as that sounds. But next semester I'll be back! My surgery is now only 4 days away, and I'm now being faced with the reality of the situation and am being presented with all the feelings I've been repressing for all this time. But the Vertical lesson Afshin taught a couple weeks ago helped a lot, so now I will share it with you, in the hopes that it will help you wherever you are.

John 11:1-6,12-44
I Am the Ressurection and the Life

In verse 4 Jesus says that Lazarus' sickness will not end in death, but it is so that the Lord can be glorified through it. That gives me great comfort in a way, that although I have to deal with extra things everyday, that but God will somehow be glorified through it. I am just a small piece of the bigger picture that will lead to His glory. He's just doing something bigger than I can see.

I think it's really easy a lot of times during hard times to blame God. I've heard several times from non-Christians that one reason they don't believe is because if God is so loving, why does He allow bad things to happen to good people? And as Christians, I think a recurring thought process during these trials is "Why doesn't He love me enough to make this go away?" When in reality He does love us, so, so much even in the midst of hard times.

So, let's look at it...

Why doesn't He take me out of this immediately?
God doesn't work on my time table.

Why is God loving when He holds back?
If life were easy, we'd have no need for Him...and when we live for Him our lives have meaning because He is glorified and we are fulfilling our purpose.
When I go through hard times, God is allowing me to be a part of His glory.
Going through trials increases our faith

An interesting thing Afshin said that I never knew before was when he was talking about verse 33 it says that Jesus is "deeply moved" by his friend's death. Afshin said that this word they use several times in the New Testament, but it is always in a different connotation. It's used always in agitation, or when Jesus is scolding someone...yet it's used here, after his friend has died. Why is Jesus so angry? The text says after that, that his spirit was troubled. He's angry that his friend has died and that death is a part of our lives. We weren't meant to be on this Earth to eventually die, death came as a result of sin. In the garden God said if they ate from the tree
they would surely die. Death came because we veered off from the His perfect plan.

Lazarus went through a huge trial, and because of how God was glorified through the circumstances, more people followed Christ. So through your trials in life, you never know how God is going to be glorified.


It is so easy to read those verses and remember how Afshin described God's glory in these awful situations and say that I will live my life like that. But do I? Do I wake up every morning and trust that no matter what bad things are happening in my life, that God will make it worth it? As my surgery comes closer and closer, it's really easy for me to get anxious and scared about the pain that is about to come, and the long recovery time. But I know that God will be glorified through these trials in my life, and I will come out on the other side stronger and more grounded in my faith....if I allow Him to move in me.

Are you letting Him work through your trials??

Tonight was my favorite night of the week....it was Vertical night :) Seriously, I don't know what I ever did before Vertical. It is just such an amazing experience every week. Getting away from the stress and craziness of life and being surrounded by my peers who truly love God and getting to worship is an awe-inspiring time for me to get back in check at the beginning of every week.

Tonight Afshin wasn't there again, but Jeff Mangum came and he was awesome, and really funny! But he talked about something that seems to be a recurring theme in my life these past couple months: plans and loving people with God's heart.

Look at Matthew 9:35-38. If you don't want to look it up, it's the passage about their being a harvest with few workers. This shows SUCH a gap between the way God looks at people, and the way we look at people. God does everything FOR people. He has compassion FOR people, feels FOR them. We, on the other hand, usually just go for what we can get out of a friendship.

We went through the whole Bible from Genesis to Revelation (reeeaallly quickly) and saw over and over how God blesses His people, and they turn it on themselves and screw it up. I have a ton of references we talked about if you want them.

Basically it boils down to God consistently saying "I love you" and humanity saying "I love me too".

James 4:13-17 was the other passage we looked at, and one that really hit home with me. We always invite God to be a part of OUR plan instead of being a part of His. And when it doesn't turn out the way we planned, we question Him. "I thought you were a loving God who cared about my happiness? Why isn't this working out like I planned?" Face it, we all do it. We have temper tentrums when God doesn't serve us.

We need to live with a sense of urgency...with our hope in what comes after this life, instead of getting so caught up in the things of this world and keeping up with everyone around us. Paul was an amazing example of having his hope somewhere else. I mean, you can't mess with this dude! Jeff made a really funny joke of it tonight, but it's totally true. How do you mess with someone like him?

"We're gonna kill you." Ok, you killed my Savior and I'll be going to be with him.
"Ok, we're not going to kill you, just torture you." You tortured Him, so bring it!
"Um...ok. We're not going to do anything," Sweet, I don't like pain anyway!

You can't beat that! You can't mess up that thinking! Man, I wish I could think that way.

What Jeff said that REALLY hit me hard tonight, was when he was talking about plans. He was talking about his wife being Type A and making lists and notes and asked his Type A people to raise their hands, then made a joke they couldn't because they were still writing...and that's what I was doing! I am such a planner. The story about his wife (I'll be happy to tell it to you, it's just too long to type) was exactly how I am. She went through a really rough time, and wasn't even upset so much by the event that occured, but was upset that it messed up her plan and wasn't how she had it all worked out. You can look in my first blog posts and see that's exactly where I am this semester. I wasn't even so much worried about the surgery part. It's not like it's a major reconstructive, life changing surgery or anything....no, I was worried about what was going to happen. Taking a semester off was definitely not part of my plan and it through everything off, leaving me unsure of what to do.

I began writing this blog to journal my recovery and my disease...to talk out what God has planned for me during this time in my life. More and more he's showing me that my plans mean nothing. He is in complete control and His plan is the one I need to be following, not my little blueprint for my life and how I want it to go. That's a hard pill to swallow, especially for me. It's something I am constantly having to work on and accept.

And while I'm on the subject of surgery, I'm about to say something that is really hard for me. My surgery is now exactly 3 weeks away. It's becoming a reality that I'm about to do this whole painful process over again.....and I'm scared. I know what to expect this time, which is helpful for some things, but absolutely terrifying in others. I know how much it's going to hurt, I am constantly remembering all the sleepless nights from pain and not being able to get up for 2 months....having my independence taken completely away. I mean for the first couple weeks I won't even be able to sit up by myself. I pride myself in my independence, and having that taken away is one of the hardest things for me. Having to depend on other people is really hard for me. Not to mention that this is the most painful surgery I've ever had...and while I am a veteran with this being my 8th surgery, that doesn't make it any easier.

I know that in the long run this is going to be awesome. I'm already seeing results from the last one that make me want to cry tears of joy. Just today I was telling someone that for the first time in my life I made a footprint that was like everyone else's, and I was beaming. This is going to make me more normal, and have less pain. But in order for that to happen, pain has to happen. No pain, no gain I suppose.

God has a plan for all this. He's got this. I know that, and am daily trying to embrace it. If you could pray that I am not anxious and scared, that would be sweet. I really appreciate it and love you all :)

May.

It was this very morning a year ago I woke up to a text from my mom telling me to call her. I knew right away what happened....during the night, my grandma had passed away. It's so hard to believe it's been a year already. I miss her so much.

I was supposed to be a 4th generation Aggie, and I killed that for my family lol. Other than May, I was the only Baylor bear....and now I am the only one. It's really hard not being able to tell her all about my studies here, and all my wonderful experiences here that only another bear would understand. I miss seeing her at family gatherings, and getting cards from her in the mail.

I can't imagine how Bill is feeling today...losing your wife after over 60 years together. I think throughout it all, he's been doing really well though. He comes to hang out with us a lot, but I know he gets lonely.

It was a rainy day like today too...almost perserving the mood of gloom on this day. And every year on this day is KXA semi formal. And it's a bittersweet day because I am ecstatic about this weekend and have a really good friend coming up to go with me...but then I feel guilty for having fun on this day when such a tragedy happened.

I know she's in a better place, and doesn't want me to be sad. So today I will have a good time in remembrance of the incredible woman my grandmother was. I love you the best, May.

Does my life matter?

Tonight I had a face to face encounter with God...and it is beyond words. My mind is so scattered and I have hundreds of different So please bear with me as I try to get everything in to words.

For those of you who don't know, on Monday nights I go to a student led Bible study called Vertical Ministries. This ministry is so close and dear to my heart, and I don't know where I would be without it. It has truly been life changing, and I hope to soon be part of the leadership, to make sure that this continues for many more years.

We've started a series about all the I Am statements in the Bible, and tonight crazy hit home for me, and it's a passage that I feel the meaning is consistently overlooked, and I am totally included in that category of people for sure. The passage was John 15 and we were looking at Jesus' statement of "I Am the true Vine."

When Josh was talking tonight, it was like I was the only one in the room. He began his message by saying exactly what goes through my head several times a day. We have this innate need and desire to have some kind of meaning. We want our lives to matter. We go to school to earn a degree, to eventually get a job and DO something. We don't want to just sit around watching life go by, but rather want to be a part of it and at the end of the day feel like we accomplished someone or there was some bigger reason for us being alive that day. You know what I mean? One of my biggest fears in life is that when my life is over, it will have accounted for nothing. Will I have mattered to anyone? I mean even in the little things like writing this blog, I always look to see if someone comments on my thoughts. Heck, I even added a site meter to see if anyone actually looked at my page. I want my life to matter. I want to feel like someone was different because of the way I acted, or something I said. But is that true?

Okay, now to dig in to the text. We read through verses 1-11 tonight and so I invite you to go look up the verses or get your Bible out and remember the words. Jesus talks about how He is the vine, and that the Father is the Gardner and goes on to describe the growth process of a vine and how to make it it's absolute best. And in order to do that, what has to happen? The vine has to be pruned. Why? So that it can be even more fruitful and abundant. One of the quotes he mentioned (I forgot who actually said it, and this is just a paraphrased version) but he said that "Trials stop when they become useless, which is why they scarcely stop." It sounds like such common sense, but when you stop and think about it...it's true!

The past couple months have definitely been a pruning season for me, and I'm weeks away from encountering the same thing happening all over again. I began this blog asking the question of what God had in store for me during this time in my life. Why all of my plans had been wrecked, and how He was going to salvage the pieces and make something even better than I had planned. Like way better. And I think tonight I finally have received a piece of the puzzle. God is pruning me and my life, so that I may grow more fruitful and better glorify His name with my life. Is the process painful? Heck yes. The most painful in my life up to this point. But is it going to be worth it? Absolutely, I have ZERO doubt about it. Christ loves me enough to engage me, and to prune me to become more like Him. Everything He does is because His love for me is so extravagant. He will do whatever it takes for me to be completely broken, so that I may be more fruitful and in the end, closer to Him.

Verse 5 in this passage is the pivotal verse. I feel like it's one of those Sunday school verses that we've heard so many times, it simply becomes mechanic almost. We say it, but never meditate on the words or what it means.

"I Am the vine; you are the branches. He who abides in Me and I in him, he bears much fruit, for apart from Me you can do nothing."

Take a step back for a minute and think about the words. What does abide mean? It's got to be crucial because in just these 11 verses, it's used 10 times. Abiding in Christ means to center my heart's affection and my mind's attention on the gospel of Christ. It means to find comfort and peace in the secure reality that I am a daughter of the King, and nothing can take that away from me.

Now look at the last part of the verse...the most haunting part of the verse. "For apart from me, you can do NOTHING." I can be the greatest person in the world. I could win every award, have the most friends, or whatever you want to attribute to a person. But if I am not consistently and constantly abiding in Christ, then it means NOTHING. It means when it comes down to what matters, my life didn't. I want nothing more than to hear Christ say "Well done, my good and faithful servant." But if I don't abide in Him, then that isn't going to happen.

Josh then switched gears a little bit and started talking about Michael Pollin's books which are all about food. He talks in one of his books about how he isn't going to say which diet is best or anything like that. But he condensed his whole thesis into 8 simple words

"Eat food - not too much, mostly plants."

Sounds comical at first, but there's truth beneath it...however not just for physical purposes. If you can't read the ingredients listed on a food, or there's more than 5 listed...it's not good. Most of the food these days, fast food especially, consists of engineered food made my scientists in labs, instead of freshly grown by farmers as was it's original purpose. We fill our bodies with these disgusting non-degradable poser foods instead of giving it what it really needs. The same is true for us spiritually. We try to fill our lives with everything but God, or get caught up in the rituals of going to church every Sunday and being a Sunday Christian. We get so involved in the process and forget what's really going on, as opposed to being a part of the Vine, as was the original intent.

After the message we just worshipped for almost an hour, and it was absolutely amazing. Just sitting in God's presence was so amazing.

I know that was a lot, and kudos if you got through it. But this message touched me so hardcore, and I hope that somehow I conveyed the message at least semi effectively. Hopefully in a couple days the podcast will be available and you can hear it for yourselves (just search for Vertical Ministries in the iTunes store). This passage is comforting and crazy convicting at the same time and I am going out of my mind with thoughts and just wanting to share it with everyone I can...so I figured this was the best place to start.

Am I abiding in Christ? Not nearly as much as I should.

Are you abiding in Him?? Are you a part of the vine??

Miracle.

When I hear the word "miracle" my mind automatically wanders back to the miracles Christ performed like feeding 5,000 with measly amounts of fish and bread, or healing someone from a lifelong disease. I feel like so many times we forget to recognize the every day miracles that surround us.

What exactly is a miracle?

Webster would describe it as:
1. any amazing or wonderful occurrence
2. a marvelous event manifesting a supernatural act of a divine agent

I've never really sat down and thought about a miracle, and the daily ones I experience. Being alive every second I am is a miracle...being able to go to the college I've dreamed of for years and being able to pursue my intended major are both miracles. And today, another one happened.

For about 7 years I have been praying for my friend...let's call him Will. When I was in 7th grade he sort of walked away from the church, and everything changed. And ever since then I have been praying that he would come back to the faith he's grown up with. And today, he agreed to go to church with me. I know this won't be a fast process, or mean he's going to come with me all the time now, but the fact that he wanted to come, and wanted to make new friends at church brought so much joy to my heart I bawled. I didn't realize I would get so emotional, but he is so close to my heart and this is such a break through.

God does answer prayers. Even if it takes 7 years for the ball to get rolling....He's always there.

Look for a miracle today :)

Mwangaza.

Yesterday my roommates and I went to see the Mwangaza choir, a choir composed of 22 children (8-13 years old) from Uganda.

They were so great!!! Most of them are orphaned or have single-parent guardians, and they are traveling around the US to raise awareness for Africa Renewal Ministries.

Here's a video I found on YouTube of them dancing. They danced, and sang, and had so much fun performing for us! http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2CuPAZ5YOzY&feature=related

What blew me away most was not their ability to perform well or their awesome costumes...but their JOY. Not just happiness, which is temporary...but these children were filled JOY. They lit up the room with their smiles. They had stories of why they wrote a few songs and they made my heart sad. One was a celebration song written because the Lord provided the family with food for Christmas Eve, and another was called "Reap What You Sow" written about a time when a boy was tempted to steal, but resisted, and his friend who did steal ended up with prison time and eventually death.

They have such sad stories, and have EVERY reason to be down about life. Most of them don't have parents, have to take care of their younger siblings, and don't know when their next meal will be. But even in the video they played, the children said that their stories were not meant to be discouraging, but they are in fact really great stories because they have been saved by the grace of God and they know the Lord.

They have such incredible stories, and are living proof that sponsering children really does make a difference. I wonder if they know how much of an impact they have on everyone who comes to their concerts.

Thought for the day: Do you have that kind of joy?

Happy Ending.

Yay it's Easter!!! SUCH a mindblowing day. Not only did Christ die an excruciating death FOR ME, but He flippin' rose from the dead!! How many people can say that?!

Being Easter, I went to church with my parents this week. I absolutely LOVE my church (Columbus Ave), but I figured I should be with my family today, and the sermon was really cool.

The pastor talked about sad stories and sad movies and he asked an interesting question. Why do we watch sad movies? People ask me all the time why I want to watch Steel Magnolias all the time and why I love it, and my answer has always been "because it has a happy ending!" And that's why sad stories and movies are so endearing to us, because through the struggle and sadness, some good comes of it.

He had an interesting anecdote as well. He was talking about going to see a sad movie with one of his guy friends and his friend noted he wasn't going to pay $10 to come out of something more depressed then he was before he went in....and sad he could do the same at church for free. And he said as a pastor that kind of hurt his feelings, but it's true sometimes. Especially during this Lenten season, the church tells a lot of sad stories with a seemingly not happy ending. All Christ's trials, being betrayed by a close and trusted friend, having another close friend deny Him, all the pain associated with his death and the trials before then....all very, very sad stories.

But good news, friends!! This story has a happy ending!! Three days later Christ rose from the dead, and thousands of years later we still celebrate his victory over death. He is alive and well, and getting Heaven ready for us! So today, focus on the happy ending :)

Breathe worship.

Hey out there!

I recently have been OBSESSED with this song, called Alive In This Moment. It's by Starfield, a not so huge Christian band, but they have really awesome music, so I'd definitely recommend them!

Anyway, in the chorus of the song it says: "I am alive in this moment, in this moment I am found. I am alive in this moment, in this moment I belong."

I just love those lyrics, and the lyrics of the whole song. It's just explaining the awesome feeling of belonging and purpose you get when you are worshipping Christ, and the feelings we get with true worship...such an incredible experience!

I feel like we get so busy in our day to day events (and I am definitely included) and forget why we're really here. We were put here to glorify God and share His word with everyone...and what better way to do that, than to be in true, vulnerable worship all the time? When I met Todd Agnew (a Christian artist you may or may not have heard of), and he signed my CD, I can still remember what he wrote because it really stuck with me. He referenced Colossians 3:23 and just wrote "breathe worship". That's what we all need to do everyday, is just breathe worship!

So think about that today, and totally listen to this song! I even included the link, because I know one friend in particular won't go to anything I tell her unless I send the link too haha.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ehgCYO2sUI4

I'm going to be beastly and post twice in one day. I meant to do my previous post yesterday, and then after church today I wanted to do another one...so they just happened to be both today.

Today in church we talked in detail about the crucifixion and everything that Jesus went through...for my sins. For your sins. And honestly, I was cringing and it was really hard to listen to. But it should be! No one should be able to sit and just listen with no extra thoughts or sorrow or pain at what He did for us. He wanted God to find some other way and to "pass this cup" from Him...but ultimately He said "May your will be done." No matter how much he wanted to not have to die this EXCRUCIATING death, He still did it because it was the Father's will. And during all the trials he went through before His death, while he was being mocked and slapped around...He just took it. It was funny because my pastor was talking about that fact today (and I totally agreed with him) because he was talking about when they blindfolded Christ in Matthew 26:67-68 "Then they spit in his face and struck him with their fists. Other slapped him and said. 'Prophesy to us, Christ. Who hit you?'" He was saying, well of course Christ knew who it was...but he just sat in silence and took it. He said had He been Christ he would have struck the guy down right there haha.

Back to the serious note, is that this is something I never really focused on before. I knew all the crazy awful and horrendous things Christ went through for me...but I never really just sat and focused on how docile He was and how he just let it happen.

Then towards the end after some really great worship and reflecting time, we talked about how to respond to this time of the year. We ought to do 3 things: love Christ, hate sin, and TELL SOMEONE! So, I took him quite literally and am telling all of you!

Christ loves YOU so, so much. I would love to answer any questions anyone may have. This Friday is such a staple in Christianity, and is so, so important to our story. Christ died the most brutal death for each and every one of us...and then HE ROSE AGAIN!! He is alive!! Man, just such an incredible, incredible love that I can't begin to explain!!

On this Sunday before Good Friday and the Easter weekend...these lyrics are truly my heart's prayer right now.

"Heal my heart and make it clean

Open up my eyes to the things unseen

Show me how to love like you have loved me

Break my heart for what breaks yours

Everything I am for your Kingdom's cause

As I walk from Earth into eternity"

My Sister's Keeper.

Friday night I went camping for the first time!!! Aside from the hurricane-like winds that were crazy scary while being in a tent, it was an extremely successful trip! I pitched my first tent, slept in said tent for the first time, and successfully woke up the next morning :)

It was SUCH an incredible time of fellowship with KXA, I love all of those girls so much. And our big brothers are the greatest guys EVER! I got to get close to some people that I had never gotten to talk to much, which was really exciting!! Our family won Most Creative dessert, which was exciting as well! Way to rep it, hott family!

We also had a few devotional times which were really awesome. Something Christina, one of our sponsers, mentioned that really stuck out to me was a story she told about her brother. He and a lot of his Marine friends got a tattoo that said "My Brother's Keeper" as a symbol that no matter what happens or where they are, that they would take care of each other. And that's one of the main reasons we have a sisterhood like KXA...no matter what, or what we're going through we're always there for each other. I know I can count on them for anything, and they have the same feelings towards me.

I am my sister's keeper.

Rough.

Today was kind of a rough day. Actually, it was a fantastic day, just a really sucky part in the middle.

I think it's really important for non-Christians (and Christians alike) to know that just because we are Christians, that doesn't mean everything is going to be perfect and peachy. It's really hard to explain without it sounding funny, but hopefully you get my drift. God makes awesome days even more awesome, but He also gets us through the rough ones...like today.

Tonight 2 of my best friends and I went to Chickfila for dinner, nothing unusual. I got to drive (yay!)! While we were standing in line, the guy behind me tapped me on the shoulder asked if I was the owner of the Jeep parked in the handicapped spot, and I told him I was. He proceeded to tell me that his grandmother can barely walk and really appreciates those spots and I told him I had a license plate and had the right to park in that spot. He was like "Well you all seem to be walking fine to me" etc, and asked the nature of my handicap. I was caught COMPLETELY off guard and have never really had someone ask me to explain why I park there. I didn't know what to do, so I got a little angry (and was afraid I was going to say something completely inappropriate...or cry) and just told him that I didn't have to justify why I park there, but I am handicapped and could. The conversation awkwardly ended there, and then for the next hour while we ordered, ate, and drove home I had to consistently try to not cry. And when I came home I called my mom and just bawled.

Eleanor Roosevelt once said "No one can make you feel inferior, without your consent." And today, I gave that guy my consent. I know now how to handle the situation if it were to happen again, and that I need to help educate stupid people like that who judge based on appearances. It's so easy to say I'm not going to let stupid people hurt me...but it's an entirely different, and extremely hard thing to actually do. I know that MD does not define me, nor do I want it to. But today that's exactly how that man made me feel...defined by my disease.

It was just like reality slapped me in the face today. I feel like everything is going so great, I get to wear my boot part time and I'm back at Baylor hanging out with all my friends and everything appears to be "normal" again for me, and then this happens and it's almost like the devil is saying "Don't get too happy, remember you're broken."

I pride myself on being this brave person who never gets hurt or put down when it comes to my MD, but truth is...I do. I try to keep it inside and pretend everything is okay but today I just couldn't. He really hurt me, and I so wish I could go back and say all the great things I've thought of to say now.

Today was a hard day, and my heart still hurts because of his judgment and words....but tomorrow is a new day, and this weekend is going to be fantastic! I'm going camping tomorrow with my KXA sisters for our Sisterhood retreat, and it is going to be such an incredible time of fellowship and worship. I'm ready for this pain to go away.

News!

Hello readers! (If there are any ha ha)

I went to the doctor yesterday, and for once in my life I got great news medically! He said he is really happy with the progress I've made so far with my therapy, and the new bone in my foot has almost completely healed! We have agreed to schedule the next surgery on May 11. This time I get to be admitted after my surgery for pain management which will be AWESOME. Having to do the last one as an outpatient procedure was pretty awful once I got home and had to deal with the pain myself.

Now comes the physical meaning of my blog name. In the next month I will be slowly weening myself from my walking boot, and into normal shoes. I started driving again yesterday! It was SO awesome, but kind of strange. I still have some work before I am completely comfortable driving, but it's okay. Walking on the other hand, is quite a different and much harder endeavor. I truly am having to learn how to walk again. This morning I was walking around my room and realized just how sensitive my foot really is when I nearly fell over in pain from stepping on a small stack of post it notes! Getting to be barefoot and wearing 2 shoes makes me really appreciate and miss my walking boot, which I never thought would happen! ha ha. I really do have a new foot for all intensive purposes. Look down at your foot right now, and that's what my right foot now looks like. It looks like, and is, a normal foot! I have an arch for the first time in my life, and it no longer falls on the side. It's really strange learning to walk like a normal person ha ha. I can't wait until my other side is done and I'll have a new pair of feet!

Your continued prayers for strength and perseverance during this time would be totally awesome!

Great night!

So many good things and thoughts tonight!

Monday nights are probably my favorite of the whole week, most because of Vertical. I absolutely LOVE this ministry and encourage everyone to come! Every week Afshin ALWAYS has an incredible word to share that always leaves me asking myself questions and constantly growing.

And tonight we had an even more awesome time because Shane & Shane led worship, and it was SO awesome. I have never had the pleasure of hearing them live before, but it was just so amazing. Being around a ton of students worshipping is one of my all time favorite things, and it's just like everything else in the world fades away.

One of their newer songs, well new to me at least, is called Everything is Different, is so great. If you haven't heard it, go listen to it now! But the chorus really got me thinking.

"Who am I to know your glory?
Who am I to recognize a voice calling out?
How could I be in your story?
God who was and is and is to come"

So many times we talk about how God is a part of our lives, which is awesome and great...but I think so many times we forget that in reality we are part of HIS story. It's a humbling thought process for sure. How in the world am I worthy enough to be part of His story? To know and feel His love? To be able to hear Him speak? I just love the idea of being a part of His story. Sure, He's an incredibly huge part of my story, and for good reason. But He, God of the universe and Creator of all things, has chosen ME to be in HIS story. Crazy awesome and humbling to think about.

Switching gears a little....

Tonight we talked about giving, and why we are to give to those less fortunate. Tonight was part of our "Do Something Now" project in which we were asked to bring personal hygeine items to be sent to Mission Waco, to be distributed to the many homeless shelters in Waco. Our goal was 1,000 items but we surpased that greatly by donating 7,303 items tonight!! It seems like such a small thing to get a tube of toothpaste and some deordorant...but these are things that some people here can't afford. And while it's a small thing for me to do, the impact it makes will be life changing to someone in my community. Jesus' heart was ALWAYS focused on others; and the less fortunate and how to help them. We give to others because Jesus gave to us. There is no way for us to earn our salvation by giving or doing, but by giving and doing we are asserting our salvation by being obedient.

Healthcare.

Well, it happened. Healthcare passed.

Today America has changed, and not for the better.

Rob Worsham gave me permission to use his status, and it's exactly how I feel right now. "How about these congressmen actually listen to their constituents instead of their greedy, ambitious pride? Now that's a change I can believe in."

The majority of Americans have spoken loud and clear saying that they want no part of this piece of legislation...but Washington didn't hear. Or, even worse, they heard and ignored. I'm sorry, but last time I checked the reason we had elected officials representing us in Congress was that they would actually represent us. Just a crazy thought.

As someone who has a lot of medical issues, healthcare is an incredibly important thing for me personally. Government now runs healthcare, which BTW is not consitutional, and can now decide who I get to go see, if my condition is legit enough to get help for, and when I can see them. They think that we can add 32 million people to healthcare without adding to the deficit. Good thinking, guys. And with the same number of health care professionals. This is going to raise taxes ridiculously, and now private health care companies will likely phase out because they can't compete against a government run health care system.

A lot of this I think has nothing to do with healthcare, really. Yes, you just read that. This is about a president and other legislative members who are on a power trip. It doesn't matter what the bill was about necessarily, they just wanted to prove that they could pass a ridiculous, revolutionary reform just to say they could. They have completely lost touch with the American people, and right now our economy should be our top priority. And spending $1 trillion on a bill that no one wants isn't the best idea to lower our debt.

Listening to Obama is always hard for me, because he talks but never says anything. And that trend continued tonight. He even started off his speech by saying that this vote proved that we could pass big things...like that was the point. He talks about this like it is going to make America the best it has been. He says it will be better for parents who have children with a chronic illness, like mine. He says it will be better for small businesses, even though the raised taxes will cause them to shut down. My mom might lose her job because her boss doesn't know if he can stay open now. He calls it "a victory for common sense." Yeah, right.

I'd like to end with words of wisdom from Dr. Charles Krauthammer, a Fox news commentator, MD, and lawyer who is paralyzed from the neck down. "It is better to be paralyzed from the neck down, then from the neck up."

Thoughts.

So I have just finished week 2 of my new Bible study and I really am loving it. (I was a slacker and didn't do it over SB, so that's why it's been a week in between the starting and now). One principle that the past couple days has been based on is constantly in my mind, still without an answer to the many questions it has raised. So I will share it with all of you who actually read my blog, in hopes that it will raise similar questions in your own lives, and perhaps help answer them for everyone.

God shapes your life through circumstances, events, or other people. Throught true friends, false alliances, and suffering injustice or other hardships, He sculpts Christ- like chacteristics into our selfish hearts. This process can be painful, but the final result is that we become more like Jesus.

It's really true. Even the outwardly appearing negative things or relationships that we deal with have some sort of purpose, and God can use them for our benefit. He can use anything and anyone He wants to...we just have to be maleable enough to be used and shaped.

Another interesting thing that I guess I never really knew, (or if I did, I definitely forgot haha) was that diamonds come from coal. The only difference is time, intense heat and intense pressure. How can something so blah, grey and ugly turn into something that is revered as "a girl's best friend"? Crazy process...incredible outcome. It's the same in our walk. Crazy situations and really rough times with intensity and calamity..but an outcome beyond words...becoming a man/woman after God's heart, and closer to the person of Christ.

This is a crazy time in my life. And honestly, I don't know what God has for me through this whole process. This semester I have been in the worst physical pain of in my entire life, I've had to completely change my life because of this and I just know that there has to be something bigger in all of this. Bigger than the plans, bigger than the pain, and bigger than all my questions. And while I'm waiting for answers, that I may or may not ever get, I just have to be open for Him to mold and refine me through this process.

MIRACLE!!!

OH MY GOSH!!!

I literally cannot stop smiling right now and am SO happy, and SOOOO excited!! I got this email from my mom, who got it from a friend who saw this article on the front page of the Houston Chronicle this morning.

Here's the cliff note version in case you don't want to read the article...but in case you do the article link is below.

There has been a break through with CMT! (The type of MD I have) And they have found the mutation that causes about 70% of CMT cases. Weirdly, it's not a mutation of a gene, but rather a repetitive one. Strange. Anyways, so now that they've found the exact gene they are doing drug clinical trials to treat it!!!! God is so good and we just needed technology to catch up with everything. The article doesn't say much about the clinical trials, but I'm about to google it to see if I can find more in depth info about it, and if I do I'll be sure to post it. In the mean time PLEASE, PLEASE pray that this drug works!!

www.chron.com/disp/story.mpl/metropolitan/6907223.html

No Guarentee.

I am constantly being reminded that we aren't guarenteed another day on this Earth. You never know when your life is going to end. I recently saw Remember Me, the latest Robert Pattinson and Pierce Brosnan flick. While the movie was absolutely AWFUL and I don't recommend it at all, that was the moral of the movie.

I am Spirit Chair for Kappa Chi Alpha, and essentially I am the prayer warrior. People send me their prayer requests, and I keep them to myself or pass them on to membership so we can all join in prayer and support each other. I recieved a request yesterday and it breaks my heart.

Taylor Storch, a 13 year old girl, (a dear friend of a member's little sister) was killed tragically late Sunday night. She was a first time skiier and it was just a freak accident that left her with several serious injuries, and she just couldn't pull through. Death is just such a rough thing to deal with, especially when you're 14. If you all could please life up Taylor's friends and family I would really appreciate it, and I know they would too.

Even in death Taylor was selfless and is donating her organs. Other people will be able to live because of her death. God is going to do something incredible with this awful situation.

You never know when God is going to call you home, and for Taylor it was during her last run on her spring break vacation. We all say we know that no hour, minute, or even second is guarenteed, but do we really live that way? Are we glorifying God with every breath we take? I know I fail on that front all the time.

What are you living for today?

Being used.

Now that I've started this blog, I'm realizing how little I have to say haha. Hopefully things will pick up after Spring Break is over. But now everyone besides Baylor has Spring Break!

Last week I started a new Bible study, and I'm really excited about it. It's a 12 week study by Tim Burns called Forged In the Fire. Each 4 weeks is dedicated to a character, the first being David. The whole basis of the book is how God uses situations (sometimes pretty sucky ones) for His glory and how we can use those situations to be molded into the person Christ calls us to be.

This first week was mostly an introduction to the book, but a lot about the background of David and leading up to him being chosen as king. Burns asks some really interesting questions that I never have thought about, like "Why do you think God did this?" or "Why do you think God did it this way?" Interesting to think about.

It's really cool to see the whole story, like what came before these great leaders we learn about, as well as what comes after. And one verse that Burns kept drilling and asked several times for the reader to write it out was 1 Sam 16:7 "Do not consider his appearance or his height, for I have rejected him. Man looks at the outward appearance, but the Lord looks at the heart."

David was really the outcast of his family. He is the youngest, smallest, and has to watch the sheep. One thing I never really thought of was that when Samuel came into town to choose the new king, it was a big deal. Everyone knew who Samuel was and it was like a celebrity coming to town. Especially for Jesse and his family, to have the honor of Samuel coming to his house...yet David wasn't invited. He wasn't even told. His brother was sent to go get him upon Samuel's request, and there is obvious tension between him and his oldest brother. So picture him set in this light. Not exactly someone on a pedestool you'd naturally think of to be the next king...but God did. He always uses the least likely (in human eyes) person, and one who has a weakness in some way. But God ALWAYS works through that weakness to bring His glory about, and the world is forever different because of them.

This surgery (and the one in 2 months give or take) have completely turned my world upside down. Many who know me know how much of a planner I am. Spontaneous isn't usually a word someone has used to describe me...or ever, that I know of. This was the most major surgery I have had, and the recovery still presses on. At least I'm walking now...those first 8 weeks of no walking drove me crazy!! I'm still not up to par yet but I'm getting there, and each little step makes my day. For example, last night in the shower I stood up for like 30 secs! Haha. But for reals, this was such a huge change for me so quickly. I found out I was having the surgery about 2 weeks before it actually happened. Taking a semester off of school was NEVER part of my plan, nor did I ever think it would. But I am already SO happy with the progress that has been made from this surgery, and I know it will only get better...especially after the other foot is done. There is a reason for this semester's life events, and although it may not be completely clear to me right now, it will be...hopefully soon!

God's plans are so mind boggling...and pure awesome. Learning about the people he uses should give us hope. No matter how weak, tiny, unconfident or whatever you think you are, or you have NO idea how you're going to handle a certain circumstance....God knows, and He WILL use you!