Tonight was my favorite night of the week....it was Vertical night :) Seriously, I don't know what I ever did before Vertical. It is just such an amazing experience every week. Getting away from the stress and craziness of life and being surrounded by my peers who truly love God and getting to worship is an awe-inspiring time for me to get back in check at the beginning of every week.

Tonight Afshin wasn't there again, but Jeff Mangum came and he was awesome, and really funny! But he talked about something that seems to be a recurring theme in my life these past couple months: plans and loving people with God's heart.

Look at Matthew 9:35-38. If you don't want to look it up, it's the passage about their being a harvest with few workers. This shows SUCH a gap between the way God looks at people, and the way we look at people. God does everything FOR people. He has compassion FOR people, feels FOR them. We, on the other hand, usually just go for what we can get out of a friendship.

We went through the whole Bible from Genesis to Revelation (reeeaallly quickly) and saw over and over how God blesses His people, and they turn it on themselves and screw it up. I have a ton of references we talked about if you want them.

Basically it boils down to God consistently saying "I love you" and humanity saying "I love me too".

James 4:13-17 was the other passage we looked at, and one that really hit home with me. We always invite God to be a part of OUR plan instead of being a part of His. And when it doesn't turn out the way we planned, we question Him. "I thought you were a loving God who cared about my happiness? Why isn't this working out like I planned?" Face it, we all do it. We have temper tentrums when God doesn't serve us.

We need to live with a sense of urgency...with our hope in what comes after this life, instead of getting so caught up in the things of this world and keeping up with everyone around us. Paul was an amazing example of having his hope somewhere else. I mean, you can't mess with this dude! Jeff made a really funny joke of it tonight, but it's totally true. How do you mess with someone like him?

"We're gonna kill you." Ok, you killed my Savior and I'll be going to be with him.
"Ok, we're not going to kill you, just torture you." You tortured Him, so bring it!
"Um...ok. We're not going to do anything," Sweet, I don't like pain anyway!

You can't beat that! You can't mess up that thinking! Man, I wish I could think that way.

What Jeff said that REALLY hit me hard tonight, was when he was talking about plans. He was talking about his wife being Type A and making lists and notes and asked his Type A people to raise their hands, then made a joke they couldn't because they were still writing...and that's what I was doing! I am such a planner. The story about his wife (I'll be happy to tell it to you, it's just too long to type) was exactly how I am. She went through a really rough time, and wasn't even upset so much by the event that occured, but was upset that it messed up her plan and wasn't how she had it all worked out. You can look in my first blog posts and see that's exactly where I am this semester. I wasn't even so much worried about the surgery part. It's not like it's a major reconstructive, life changing surgery or anything....no, I was worried about what was going to happen. Taking a semester off was definitely not part of my plan and it through everything off, leaving me unsure of what to do.

I began writing this blog to journal my recovery and my disease...to talk out what God has planned for me during this time in my life. More and more he's showing me that my plans mean nothing. He is in complete control and His plan is the one I need to be following, not my little blueprint for my life and how I want it to go. That's a hard pill to swallow, especially for me. It's something I am constantly having to work on and accept.

And while I'm on the subject of surgery, I'm about to say something that is really hard for me. My surgery is now exactly 3 weeks away. It's becoming a reality that I'm about to do this whole painful process over again.....and I'm scared. I know what to expect this time, which is helpful for some things, but absolutely terrifying in others. I know how much it's going to hurt, I am constantly remembering all the sleepless nights from pain and not being able to get up for 2 months....having my independence taken completely away. I mean for the first couple weeks I won't even be able to sit up by myself. I pride myself in my independence, and having that taken away is one of the hardest things for me. Having to depend on other people is really hard for me. Not to mention that this is the most painful surgery I've ever had...and while I am a veteran with this being my 8th surgery, that doesn't make it any easier.

I know that in the long run this is going to be awesome. I'm already seeing results from the last one that make me want to cry tears of joy. Just today I was telling someone that for the first time in my life I made a footprint that was like everyone else's, and I was beaming. This is going to make me more normal, and have less pain. But in order for that to happen, pain has to happen. No pain, no gain I suppose.

God has a plan for all this. He's got this. I know that, and am daily trying to embrace it. If you could pray that I am not anxious and scared, that would be sweet. I really appreciate it and love you all :)

May.

It was this very morning a year ago I woke up to a text from my mom telling me to call her. I knew right away what happened....during the night, my grandma had passed away. It's so hard to believe it's been a year already. I miss her so much.

I was supposed to be a 4th generation Aggie, and I killed that for my family lol. Other than May, I was the only Baylor bear....and now I am the only one. It's really hard not being able to tell her all about my studies here, and all my wonderful experiences here that only another bear would understand. I miss seeing her at family gatherings, and getting cards from her in the mail.

I can't imagine how Bill is feeling today...losing your wife after over 60 years together. I think throughout it all, he's been doing really well though. He comes to hang out with us a lot, but I know he gets lonely.

It was a rainy day like today too...almost perserving the mood of gloom on this day. And every year on this day is KXA semi formal. And it's a bittersweet day because I am ecstatic about this weekend and have a really good friend coming up to go with me...but then I feel guilty for having fun on this day when such a tragedy happened.

I know she's in a better place, and doesn't want me to be sad. So today I will have a good time in remembrance of the incredible woman my grandmother was. I love you the best, May.

Does my life matter?

Tonight I had a face to face encounter with God...and it is beyond words. My mind is so scattered and I have hundreds of different So please bear with me as I try to get everything in to words.

For those of you who don't know, on Monday nights I go to a student led Bible study called Vertical Ministries. This ministry is so close and dear to my heart, and I don't know where I would be without it. It has truly been life changing, and I hope to soon be part of the leadership, to make sure that this continues for many more years.

We've started a series about all the I Am statements in the Bible, and tonight crazy hit home for me, and it's a passage that I feel the meaning is consistently overlooked, and I am totally included in that category of people for sure. The passage was John 15 and we were looking at Jesus' statement of "I Am the true Vine."

When Josh was talking tonight, it was like I was the only one in the room. He began his message by saying exactly what goes through my head several times a day. We have this innate need and desire to have some kind of meaning. We want our lives to matter. We go to school to earn a degree, to eventually get a job and DO something. We don't want to just sit around watching life go by, but rather want to be a part of it and at the end of the day feel like we accomplished someone or there was some bigger reason for us being alive that day. You know what I mean? One of my biggest fears in life is that when my life is over, it will have accounted for nothing. Will I have mattered to anyone? I mean even in the little things like writing this blog, I always look to see if someone comments on my thoughts. Heck, I even added a site meter to see if anyone actually looked at my page. I want my life to matter. I want to feel like someone was different because of the way I acted, or something I said. But is that true?

Okay, now to dig in to the text. We read through verses 1-11 tonight and so I invite you to go look up the verses or get your Bible out and remember the words. Jesus talks about how He is the vine, and that the Father is the Gardner and goes on to describe the growth process of a vine and how to make it it's absolute best. And in order to do that, what has to happen? The vine has to be pruned. Why? So that it can be even more fruitful and abundant. One of the quotes he mentioned (I forgot who actually said it, and this is just a paraphrased version) but he said that "Trials stop when they become useless, which is why they scarcely stop." It sounds like such common sense, but when you stop and think about it...it's true!

The past couple months have definitely been a pruning season for me, and I'm weeks away from encountering the same thing happening all over again. I began this blog asking the question of what God had in store for me during this time in my life. Why all of my plans had been wrecked, and how He was going to salvage the pieces and make something even better than I had planned. Like way better. And I think tonight I finally have received a piece of the puzzle. God is pruning me and my life, so that I may grow more fruitful and better glorify His name with my life. Is the process painful? Heck yes. The most painful in my life up to this point. But is it going to be worth it? Absolutely, I have ZERO doubt about it. Christ loves me enough to engage me, and to prune me to become more like Him. Everything He does is because His love for me is so extravagant. He will do whatever it takes for me to be completely broken, so that I may be more fruitful and in the end, closer to Him.

Verse 5 in this passage is the pivotal verse. I feel like it's one of those Sunday school verses that we've heard so many times, it simply becomes mechanic almost. We say it, but never meditate on the words or what it means.

"I Am the vine; you are the branches. He who abides in Me and I in him, he bears much fruit, for apart from Me you can do nothing."

Take a step back for a minute and think about the words. What does abide mean? It's got to be crucial because in just these 11 verses, it's used 10 times. Abiding in Christ means to center my heart's affection and my mind's attention on the gospel of Christ. It means to find comfort and peace in the secure reality that I am a daughter of the King, and nothing can take that away from me.

Now look at the last part of the verse...the most haunting part of the verse. "For apart from me, you can do NOTHING." I can be the greatest person in the world. I could win every award, have the most friends, or whatever you want to attribute to a person. But if I am not consistently and constantly abiding in Christ, then it means NOTHING. It means when it comes down to what matters, my life didn't. I want nothing more than to hear Christ say "Well done, my good and faithful servant." But if I don't abide in Him, then that isn't going to happen.

Josh then switched gears a little bit and started talking about Michael Pollin's books which are all about food. He talks in one of his books about how he isn't going to say which diet is best or anything like that. But he condensed his whole thesis into 8 simple words

"Eat food - not too much, mostly plants."

Sounds comical at first, but there's truth beneath it...however not just for physical purposes. If you can't read the ingredients listed on a food, or there's more than 5 listed...it's not good. Most of the food these days, fast food especially, consists of engineered food made my scientists in labs, instead of freshly grown by farmers as was it's original purpose. We fill our bodies with these disgusting non-degradable poser foods instead of giving it what it really needs. The same is true for us spiritually. We try to fill our lives with everything but God, or get caught up in the rituals of going to church every Sunday and being a Sunday Christian. We get so involved in the process and forget what's really going on, as opposed to being a part of the Vine, as was the original intent.

After the message we just worshipped for almost an hour, and it was absolutely amazing. Just sitting in God's presence was so amazing.

I know that was a lot, and kudos if you got through it. But this message touched me so hardcore, and I hope that somehow I conveyed the message at least semi effectively. Hopefully in a couple days the podcast will be available and you can hear it for yourselves (just search for Vertical Ministries in the iTunes store). This passage is comforting and crazy convicting at the same time and I am going out of my mind with thoughts and just wanting to share it with everyone I can...so I figured this was the best place to start.

Am I abiding in Christ? Not nearly as much as I should.

Are you abiding in Him?? Are you a part of the vine??

Miracle.

When I hear the word "miracle" my mind automatically wanders back to the miracles Christ performed like feeding 5,000 with measly amounts of fish and bread, or healing someone from a lifelong disease. I feel like so many times we forget to recognize the every day miracles that surround us.

What exactly is a miracle?

Webster would describe it as:
1. any amazing or wonderful occurrence
2. a marvelous event manifesting a supernatural act of a divine agent

I've never really sat down and thought about a miracle, and the daily ones I experience. Being alive every second I am is a miracle...being able to go to the college I've dreamed of for years and being able to pursue my intended major are both miracles. And today, another one happened.

For about 7 years I have been praying for my friend...let's call him Will. When I was in 7th grade he sort of walked away from the church, and everything changed. And ever since then I have been praying that he would come back to the faith he's grown up with. And today, he agreed to go to church with me. I know this won't be a fast process, or mean he's going to come with me all the time now, but the fact that he wanted to come, and wanted to make new friends at church brought so much joy to my heart I bawled. I didn't realize I would get so emotional, but he is so close to my heart and this is such a break through.

God does answer prayers. Even if it takes 7 years for the ball to get rolling....He's always there.

Look for a miracle today :)

Mwangaza.

Yesterday my roommates and I went to see the Mwangaza choir, a choir composed of 22 children (8-13 years old) from Uganda.

They were so great!!! Most of them are orphaned or have single-parent guardians, and they are traveling around the US to raise awareness for Africa Renewal Ministries.

Here's a video I found on YouTube of them dancing. They danced, and sang, and had so much fun performing for us! http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2CuPAZ5YOzY&feature=related

What blew me away most was not their ability to perform well or their awesome costumes...but their JOY. Not just happiness, which is temporary...but these children were filled JOY. They lit up the room with their smiles. They had stories of why they wrote a few songs and they made my heart sad. One was a celebration song written because the Lord provided the family with food for Christmas Eve, and another was called "Reap What You Sow" written about a time when a boy was tempted to steal, but resisted, and his friend who did steal ended up with prison time and eventually death.

They have such sad stories, and have EVERY reason to be down about life. Most of them don't have parents, have to take care of their younger siblings, and don't know when their next meal will be. But even in the video they played, the children said that their stories were not meant to be discouraging, but they are in fact really great stories because they have been saved by the grace of God and they know the Lord.

They have such incredible stories, and are living proof that sponsering children really does make a difference. I wonder if they know how much of an impact they have on everyone who comes to their concerts.

Thought for the day: Do you have that kind of joy?

Happy Ending.

Yay it's Easter!!! SUCH a mindblowing day. Not only did Christ die an excruciating death FOR ME, but He flippin' rose from the dead!! How many people can say that?!

Being Easter, I went to church with my parents this week. I absolutely LOVE my church (Columbus Ave), but I figured I should be with my family today, and the sermon was really cool.

The pastor talked about sad stories and sad movies and he asked an interesting question. Why do we watch sad movies? People ask me all the time why I want to watch Steel Magnolias all the time and why I love it, and my answer has always been "because it has a happy ending!" And that's why sad stories and movies are so endearing to us, because through the struggle and sadness, some good comes of it.

He had an interesting anecdote as well. He was talking about going to see a sad movie with one of his guy friends and his friend noted he wasn't going to pay $10 to come out of something more depressed then he was before he went in....and sad he could do the same at church for free. And he said as a pastor that kind of hurt his feelings, but it's true sometimes. Especially during this Lenten season, the church tells a lot of sad stories with a seemingly not happy ending. All Christ's trials, being betrayed by a close and trusted friend, having another close friend deny Him, all the pain associated with his death and the trials before then....all very, very sad stories.

But good news, friends!! This story has a happy ending!! Three days later Christ rose from the dead, and thousands of years later we still celebrate his victory over death. He is alive and well, and getting Heaven ready for us! So today, focus on the happy ending :)