Bad day.

With chronic illness and chronic pain there are good days, and there are bad days. And today is a bad day.

It was expected, as I had spent a very long time in the car yesterday. However, despite my naïve thinking, even if it's expected – it still hurts just as bad.

As I mentioned in my last post, I am going through a devotional for those of us dealing with chronic illness, and how to go through a deeper than physical healing. And today's devotion was aptly timed, as it spoke of choosing to have positive thoughts on bad days. 

The key verses were 2 Corinthians 12:7-10. Below is the message version. 

"Because of the extravagance of those revelations, and so I wouldn’t get a big head, I was given the gift of a handicap to keep me in constant touch with my limitations. Satan’s angel did his best to get me down; what he in fact did was push me to my knees. No danger then of walking around high and mighty! At first I didn’t think of it as a gift, and begged God to remove it. Three times I did that, and then he told me, My grace is enough; it’s all you need. My strength comes into its own in your weakness. Once I heard that, I was glad to let it happen. I quit focusing on the handicap and began appreciating the gift. It was a case of Christ’s strength moving in on my weakness. Now I take limitations in stride, and with good cheer, these limitations that cut me down to size—abuse, accidents, opposition, bad breaks. I just let Christ take over! And so the weaker I get, the stronger I become. (2 Corinthians 12:7-10 MSG)

Paul is a very biblical example that not all are granted physical healing while on earth. And while I am definitely not to the point of being overly thankful for my illness, I am focusing on these verses today. I definitely do not know the purpose of me being sick, or the purpose of being in so much pain every day that I just want to sit in a corner and cry. But I must decrease in order for Christ to increase. And His strength is made more known as my weakness increases.

Today is a bad day. But Christ's strength and power is more evident in these days, because I have no choice but to lean on him. My ability to get through this day, and every day, is directly dependent on his grace. I may be struggling to fully live it out, but I know that his strength and grace will get me through this period.

Fearfully and Wonderfully Made

I confess that on many days "fearfully and wonderfully made" is not something I consider myself. Every day I feel like I'm sicker, more symptomatic, less able to function as I am expected to. How in the world can this broken body be considered wonderfully made?

Today was part two of a series with this title that our college pastor, Kyle Dunn is preaching through. Our bodies are so complex and crazy...and frankly the only way to describe it is fearfully and wonderfully made. Today we mentioned specifically what happens when you cut yourself and the innate process that your body goes through to stop the bleeding, and to heal the injury. But even though our bodies go through such complex processes on a daily basis, it is still very fragile. We are still vulnerable to sickness and disease....some of us more vulnerable than others.

2 Corinthins 4:16-18

16 Therefore we do not lose heart. Though outwardly we are wasting away, yet inwardly we are being renewed day by day. 17 For our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all. 18 So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen, since what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal.

I love what Paul has to say here. He recognizes that every human, regardless of health status, is wasting away. Our physical bodies were not meant to last forever. A pretty depressing thought to think that right now - as you read this - your physical self is declining. As someone who is chronically sick and progressively worsening, this is something that comes as no surprise. It's very easy for me to see my body not functioning...and for some this process happens prematurely, and some don't experience this until they're over 100! But wait - finish the verse! Our inner selves are being renewed every day. Just because our bodies may fail doesn't mean our spirits have to. As Christians, we have a reason for hope!! It would be indescribably depressing to think that this is all there is....but there is life through Christ after this. One day we will get bodily upgrades! There is a place after this Earth where there is no such thing as pain, hurt, scars, or tears. During my life on Earth I won't know what it's like to not be incapacitated by exhaustion, know the feeling of waking up with no pain, not having to plan my life around my energy level and limitations....but one day I will know what it's like!

What I most love about these verses are not just focusing on the future eternity with Christ...but that Paul is in no way belittling the suffering that is happening. Physical sickness is obvious, but it applies to emotional hurt as well. Having a loved one die, losing a treasured friendship, hearing words said during a fight...these are a big deal! And right now it may be enveloping your life and seem like your entire world is crashing down. AND THAT'S OKAY. Your tears, pain, and grief are warranted and worthy of the situation. There is nothing unspiritual about these things and they are part of the coping process. And while these things may feel like they take up so much of your life now, they are indeed not small in this lifetime....but they are small in your eternity.

This post is most definitely NOT to say that I have won this struggle. It is a daily struggle that I probably will never outgrow. This past month I have been in one of the worst flare ups of my life, complete with more panic attacks and pain than I care to mention, and in the past weeks I have successful if I could keep one meal a day down. It has thrown my world upside down, and I have just felt so lost...so out of control of my life. There have been days when I can't imagine having a "normal" job, getting through my internship this next year, and being able to be fully independent. But I have a renewed hope - that this life is not all there is. One day I will be in Heaven with no pain or limitations, nothing holding me back from being with my Creator. And until then...all I can is hope, and look forward.

One blessing I have experienced lately is that I just received a book in the mail I have been longing for. It is written by Joni Eareckson Tada, who is such an inspiration to me. I've read a few of her books and her story is incredible, I highly recommend anything with her name on it. She had an accident as a teenager that left her quadriplegic, and her struggles are many that I can identify with. But through it all she hopes in the Lord and is waiting for the next life with Him, just as I am. Her latest is called Beside Bethesda, and it is 31 days towards a deeper healing. For many of us physical healing will not occur in our lifetime. And that's a whole can of worms, possibly for another time, but for some of us there is another plan, which includes sickness and disease. This book is for us...focusing on the story of the healing pool in Bethesda, and praying instead for peace with unanswered prayers, the joy of waiting on God, and the happiness that can happen only when our faith and hope is put in Christ. I am so anxious to get into this book and experience an inward healing, even if a physical one doesn't happen. I plan to blog about my journey through these next 31 days and I hope that you will join me, and glean something from His truths. There is so much to learn every day from Him...and even if you are not physically sick, we all have suffered emotional scars and hurts...and His word will always apply.

"Don't you quit. You keep walking, you keep trying, there is help and happiness ahead. Some blessings come soon. Some come late. Some don't come until heaven. But for those who embrace the gospel of Jesus Christ, they come. It will be alright in the end. Trust God and believe in the good things to come." - Jeffrey R. Holland

Unspeakable.

To close this week of Invisible Illness Awareness Week I wanted to tackle a topic that all of us face all too often - having to prove our disability.

Close-minded society will tell you that you must be in a wheelchair to be considered disabled - which is simply not true! While yes, many of us do have wheelchairs but that doesn't mean we are bound to them 24/7. I only use mine for long distances, or when I've used all my energy for the day and still want to go out.

One main example in which I have been publicly called out to prove my disability is written about here. I have faced this scenario on many occasions, but that one in particular was really memorable. But the reason I bring this up is because this weekend, as you may or may not have heard, Kanye West called out a couple people for not standing up and dancing to his song during a concert - both who were disabled. One held up a prosthetic limb to show why he wasn't standing, and the show went on....until later when Kanye noticed someone else wasn't standing up - this time someone in a wheelchair. He then said that he could not do his show properly unless everyone was standing up "unless you got a handicap pass and you get special parking and s**t". Excuse me?! WHAT?! Last night I was completely lost for words when I saw this. I can't stand Kanye for a lot of other scenes he has made over the years, but this one has put me over the edge.

If someone pays good money to come to a concert, they can sit the whole time or stand if they want to! But specifically calling out those who can't stand, and them blowing them off like it's such a luxury to have special parking is completely ignorant. Those of us with dysautonomia have trouble standing more than a few minutes, and thus need to sit - wheelchair or not. I remember being humiliated in front of a restaurant full of people when I was called out, imagine that humiliation for these people who were at a crowded concert!!!

Pointing out his ignorance and terrible behavior (these are the edited words I have chosen, in my head there are much worse things I have called him) is pretty useless, because any ding bat can see what he did was horrific. But it brings up an incredibly huge point that society just doesn't seem to get. Disability doesn't always require a wheelchair. You can't always see outwardly the illness ravaging someone's body. The cliche "Don't judge a book by it's cover" couldn't be more true...and don't be so ignorant! If someone wants to sit down, they shouldn't be called out for it. And no one should EVER have to prove their disability.

Spoons.

Honestly I'm not sure how I've blogged this long without talking about the Spoon Theory!! This is such a perfect way to explain to someone what it's like to be sick, and have to pick and choose what I do or don't do everyday.

The Spoon Theory was created by a woman named Christine, who has an invisible illness known as Lupus. A friend asked her what it felt like to really be sick, and this was the way she explained it. And now the rest of us can be known as spoonies, and many awareness bracelets or gear have spoons on them...and this is why!

How do I explain every detail of every day being effected, and give the emotions a sick person goes through with clarity? I could have given up, cracked a joke like I usually do, and changed the subject, but I remember thinking if I don’t try to explain this, how could I ever expect her to understand. If I can’t explain this to my best friend, how could I explain my world to anyone else? I had to at least try.

At that moment, the spoon theory was born. I quickly grabbed every spoon on the table; hell I grabbed spoons off of the other tables. I looked at her in the eyes and said “Here you go, you have Lupus”. She looked at me slightly confused, as anyone would when they are being handed a bouquet of spoons. The cold metal spoons clanked in my hands, as I grouped them together and shoved them into her hands.

I explained that the difference in being sick and being healthy is having to make choices or to consciously think about things when the rest of the world doesn’t have to. The healthy have the luxury of a life without choices, a gift most people take for granted.

Most people start the day with unlimited amount of possibilities, and energy to do whatever they desire, especially young people. For the most part, they do not need to worry about the effects of their actions. So for my explanation, I used spoons to convey this point. I wanted something for her to actually hold, for me to then take away, since most people who get sick feel a “loss” of a life they once knew. If I was in control of taking away the spoons, then she would know what it feels like to have someone or something else, in this case Lupus, being in control.

She grabbed the spoons with excitement. She didn’t understand what I was doing, but she is always up for a good time, so I guess she thought I was cracking a joke of some kind like I usually do when talking about touchy topics. Little did she know how serious I would become?

I asked her to count her spoons. She asked why, and I explained that when you are healthy you expect to have a never-ending supply of “spoons”. But when you have to now plan your day, you need to know exactly how many “spoons” you are starting with. It doesn’t guarantee that you might not lose some along the way, but at least it helps to know where you are starting. She counted out 12 spoons. She laughed and said she wanted more. I said no, and I knew right away that this little game would work, when she looked disappointed, and we hadn’t even started yet. I’ve wanted more “spoons” for years and haven’t found a way yet to get more, why should she? I also told her to always be conscious of how many she had, and not to drop them because she can never forget she has Lupus.

I asked her to list off the tasks of her day, including the most simple. As, she rattled off daily chores, or just fun things to do; I explained how each one would cost her a spoon. When she jumped right into getting ready for work as her first task of the morning, I cut her off and took away a spoon. I practically jumped down her throat. I said ” No! You don’t just get up. You have to crack open your eyes, and then realize you are late. You didn’t sleep well the night before. You have to crawl out of bed, and then you have to make your self something to eat before you can do anything else, because if you don’t, you can’t take your medicine, and if you don’t take your medicine you might as well give up all your spoons for today and tomorrow too.” I quickly took away a spoon and she realized she hasn’t even gotten dressed yet. Showering cost her spoon, just for washing her hair and shaving her legs. Reaching high and low that early in the morning could actually cost more than one spoon, but I figured I would give her a break; I didn’t want to scare her right away. Getting dressed was worth another spoon. I stopped her and broke down every task to show her how every little detail needs to be thought about. You cannot simply just throw clothes on when you are sick. I explained that I have to see what clothes I can physically put on, if my hands hurt that day buttons are out of the question. If I have bruises that day, I need to wear long sleeves, and if I have a fever I need a sweater to stay warm and so on. If my hair is falling out I need to spend more time to look presentable, and then you need to factor in another 5 minutes for feeling badly that it took you 2 hours to do all this.

I think she was starting to understand when she theoretically didn’t even get to work, and she was left with 6 spoons. I then explained to her that she needed to choose the rest of her day wisely, since when your “spoons” are gone, they are gone. Sometimes you can borrow against tomorrow’s “spoons”, but just think how hard tomorrow will be with less “spoons”. I also needed to explain that a person who is sick always lives with the looming thought that tomorrow may be the day that a cold comes, or an infection, or any number of things that could be very dangerous. So you do not want to run low on “spoons”, because you never know when you truly will need them. I didn’t want to depress her, but I needed to be realistic, and unfortunately being prepared for the worst is part of a real day for me.

We went through the rest of the day, and she slowly learned that skipping lunch would cost her a spoon, as well as standing on a train, or even typing at her computer too long. She was forced to make choices and think about things differently. Hypothetically, she had to choose not to run errands, so that she could eat dinner that night.

When we got to the end of her pretend day, she said she was hungry. I summarized that she had to eat dinner but she only had one spoon left. If she cooked, she wouldn’t have enough energy to clean the pots. If she went out for dinner, she might be too tired to drive home safely. Then I also explained, that I didn’t even bother to add into this game, that she was so nauseous, that cooking was probably out of the question anyway. So she decided to make soup, it was easy. I then said it is only 7pm, you have the rest of the night but maybe end up with one spoon, so you can do something fun, or clean your apartment, or do chores, but you can’t do it all.

I rarely see her emotional, so when I saw her upset I knew maybe I was getting through to her. I didn’t want my friend to be upset, but at the same time I was happy to think finally maybe someone understood me a little bit. She had tears in her eyes and asked quietly “Christine, How do you do it? Do you really do this everyday?” I explained that some days were worse then others; some days I have more spoons then most. But I can never make it go away and I can’t forget about it, I always have to think about it. I handed her a spoon I had been holding in reserve. I said simply, “I have learned to live life with an extra spoon in my pocket, in reserve. You need to always be prepared.”

Its hard, the hardest thing I ever had to learn is to slow down, and not do everything. I fight this to this day. I hate feeling left out, having to choose to stay home, or to not get things done that I want to. I wanted her to feel that frustration. I wanted her to understand, that everything everyone else does comes so easy, but for me it is one hundred little jobs in one. I need to think about the weather, my temperature that day, and the whole day’s plans before I can attack any one given thing. When other people can simply do things, I have to attack it and make a plan like I am strategizing a war. It is in that lifestyle, the difference between being sick and healthy. It is the beautiful ability to not think and just do. I miss that freedom. I miss never having to count “spoons”.

This I think is so great because it gives healthy people a very visual way to see how we have to make decisions every day, and how every little thing costs energy. Having to not count spoons would be an amazing luxury, but even if I never get to experience that on earth, I know in Heaven I will have an unlimited supply of them! That's what gives me hope everyday.

If you want to play a little game in which you are given a set amount of spoons and have to decide how to use them click here!

One Thing I Didn't Know

Continuing my (hopefully) post a day blogging in an effort to raise awareness for Invisible Illnesses I wanted to share a really awesome blog post a fellow spoonie has written.


First off, for those that don't know what a spoonie is - I can explain tomorrow! It stems from the Spoon Theory, and many of us with chronic illnesses who live by that theory are now affectionately called spoonies. :)


This woman has dysautonomia is well, so MANY things she writes resonate with me on a very real level. Since the theme this year for Invisible Illness week is "Just One", everday she is writing using the same theme, and her post yesterday was titled Just One Thing I didn't Know About Chronic Illness.


http://www.cranberryteatime.com/2014/09/just-one-thing-i-did-not-know-about.html


This is the link to her blog, which you should totally click around on, but I have also pasted some of the main parts of her post below.

I didn’t know just how hard and physically challenging it truly could be. I didn’t know how exhausting it was to do what appeared to be easy tasks.

 

I used to think that if someone had a wheelchair because of fatigue that they felt okay while sitting in the wheelchair. Now I know better. When you have a chronic illness, it can be absolutely exhausting to sit in a wheelchair.

 

I used to think that if someone was tired that they could ride in a car easily enough. You’re just sitting after all. That is resting, right? Now I know better. It takes a lot of energy and muscle strength to sit up, especially when dealing with turns and bumps in the road. When I was healthier I never realized how many muscles I was using to sit up straight in a car and not fall over when we hit a bump or turned a corner.

 

I used to think that if someone looked good and was smiling that they must be feeling well. Now I know better. It is possible to smile just because you are happy, not because you feel well. It is possible to smile even when you can hardly see because you are about to faint. It is possible to smile through headaches, intense pain, nausea, weakness, and fatigue.

This is so completely true! I feel like it's extremely hard for someone on the outside to judge me for being so completely exhausted when I've just been in my wheelchair for a long time, or riding in the car. I can't speak for all illnesses, but for dysautonomia we are always 100% fatigued. Not tired - there is a difference. I could sleep for 15 hours (yeah right!) and still wake up feeling like I haven't slept at all. I never get that reset or refresh button. And everything I do takes about 3x as much energy as a healthy person. So it may be just sitting up all day, even if I'm sitting, is exhausting.


I would like to think, as my fellow spoonie describes, that from the outside I look like a normal, happy person. That in itself some days takes an enormous amount of effort. If I acted like I felt all the time, no one would want to be around me!! So yes, many times I fake a smile and get on with my day like I feel great. There are occasions when I'm just too frustrated and feeling awful to fake it, but even then I try not to let too many people see that.


So remember today that looks can be deceiving. And the more you know about invisible illness, particularly if you have a friend/family member with one, the more you can try to wrap your head around what they go through everyday; and learn to be a better support for them.

 

30 Things About My Invisible Illness

In honor of Invisible Illness Awareness Week (Sept 8-14) I thought I would share 30 things about my illness! One of the biggest parts of awareness is education...so the more we share, the more people will be aware of what different diseases are like and what someone's story is.

1. The illnesses I live with are: Dysautonomia, Migraines, and muscle/nerve damage that happened when my birthmother was pregnant with me. To keep things simple, I usually just say I have “dysautonomia,” an umbrella term for dysregulation of the autonomic nervous system. This is the main thing I have to deal with on a daily basis. While my muscle/nerve damage is significant, it won't progress like dysautonomia can and doesn't affect me too much these days. 

2. I was diagnosed with it in the year: I was not officially and completely diagnosed until last summer, June 2013.

3. But I had symptoms since: I have had symptoms for as long as I can remember, since at least 8-10.

4. The biggest adjustment I’ve had to make is: realizing I physically can't do what people around me can, and having to make the mental adjustment that this is okay and I can do things my own way. 

5. Most people assume: Because I don't look sick that I'm not. Or if I'm in my wheelchair that I'm faking it because I can move my legs. 

6. The hardest part about mornings is: not focusing on my pain level and figuring out how that will affect my day. And realizing that my night of sleep did nothing for my level of exhaustion.

7. My favorite medical TV show is: House, of course!

8. A gadget that I especially appreciate is: voice recognition software. Although my most communicated with friends know that I often have misunderstood words on there when I forget to proof-read, it allows me to text and type without wearing out my hands.

9. The hardest part about nights is: I am always completed exhausted and have the hardest time both falling and staying asleep.

10. Each day I take just a couple vitamins and supplements.

11. Regarding alternative treatments I: will use those that are helpful for me, but massages have been the only thing that makes a difference - and even that is short lived so I don't do it often.

12. If I had to choose between an invisible illness or a visible illness, I would choose: obviously if I had to choose I would choose neither even though I have both. But God has given me this life for a reason...so it's in His hands.

13. Regarding working and career: I struggle a lot with being up and walking around for my job, but thankfully I am surrounded by supportive co-workers and most of the time can sit when I need to.

14. People would be surprised to know: that I am much more tired and weak than I appear to be.

15. The hardest thing to accept about my reality has been: not ever having a break from the pain and fatigue.

16. Something I never thought I could do with my illness that I did was: graduate with my masters (almost!) and hold down a job at the same time.

17. The commercials about my illness: are nonexistent.

18. Something I really miss doing since I was diagnosed is: I've been sick almost my whole life, so I don't have a "turning point" where I suddenly got sick. But as time goes on my endurance has gotten less, so I definitely miss being able to be as active as I was when I was younger.

19. It was really hard to have to give up: being as independent as I want to be. My memory has also significantly decreased and it's hard to remember things or when I forget easy words. 

20. A new hobby I have taken up since my diagnosis is: blogging.

21. If I could have one day of feeling normal again I would: I'm not sure I really know what "normal" feels like. But if I could have one day to have no pain or exhaustion I would do everything to be super active.

22. My illness has taught me: God has a much bigger plan for me than I had for myself. And sometimes that requires humbling myself and accepting help against my hard-headedness, to take care of the level of health I do have.

23. Want to know a secret? One thing people say that gets under my skin is: “Your life must be so hard/suck/be terrible"

24. But I love it when people: don't treat me any differently, and don't make me feel bad about having to modify plans or if I forget words/conversations or repeat something. 

25. My favorite Scripture that gets me through tough times is: "In the same way the Spirit also helps our weakness; for we do not know how to pray as we should, but the Spirit Himself intercedes for us with groanings too deep for words; and He who searches the hearts knows what the mind of the Spirit is, because He intercedes for the saints according to the will of God. And we know that God causes all things to work together for good to those who love God, to those who are called according to His purpose." Romans 8:26-28

26. When someone is diagnosed I’d like to tell them: I really understand what it's like, and I'm here if you want to vent. 

27. Something that has surprised me about living with an illness is: that people from the outside looking in have a lot of judgement and opinions about things they have no idea about. 

28. The nicest thing someone did for me when I wasn’t feeling well was: just being there, whether its physically or emotionally. A lot of times my parents will bring me food so I don't have to cook something. 

29. I’m involved with Invisible Illness Week because: they are not understood by many, and don't get a lot of spotlight. So many diseases people need to be aware and educated about, and those who are sick need to know they aren't alone. 

30. The fact that you read this list makes me feel: grateful.

There's more.

Hello people!

Something has been laying on my heart and I just feel the need to vent. I'm sure many of you have seen The Fault In Our Stars (TFIOS) or at least heard all the hub-bub about it. I know it technically was written for a tween audience and I am "too old" to be reading such books, and yes while the love story thing is a bit elementary, there are so many reasons this book is so close to my heart. No, I don't have cancer....but I am sick. And a lot of the struggles the characters went through I can so closely relate to, and I feel like it's not something people really understand.

Between that and a new ABC Family show, there seem to be a lot of shows about cancer, or someone's battle with cancer. And I am in NO WAY, AT ALL belittling the condition or saying it's not a devastating diagnosis - because it is - but I feel like so often people forget that cancer isn't the only sickness out there.

Despite my incredible support system and my brain telling me that I shouldn't care what people think about me, a part of me does. Even though I've been using my wheelchair part time for about 5 years now I'm still incredibly self-conscious about it. And even when I use it I feel like I need to not move my legs so people think I really need it - even though I can move my legs and really DO need it. People assume since I'm young and LOOK healthy that I'm just lazy and misusing a grandparent's handicap tag, when really it's mine and I feel the need to exaggerate my limp to "prove" it's legit. And it shouldn't be that way. So many people do misuse these things and it's caused a stigma that screws the rest of us. So many people are stricken with invisible illnesses, one of which is cancer, but somehow cancer people are the only ones that get "cancer perks" as they're called in TFIOS. Those little benefits that people let you "get away with" because you're sick.

TFIOS captures so perfectly the emotional and mental struggle we face in how we tell friends and family about our health and to what extent. Though my illnesses are not terminal, I still feel like a grenade as Hazel does, set to go off and destroy anyone in my wake. So I have a few close friends who know everything and I know I can count on, but other than that I keep the "collateral damage" to a minimum. I feel like I am a burden sometimes to my friends and family, and the more people I let in are just more people I could possibly hurt as a result of not being able to do things. And you also get the over zealous parent who overanalyzes EVERY situation or feeling you have - it happens. And I have to be real honest....there are days when I relate to when Hazel says "I just don't want this particular life". There are bad days when it is seems impossible to find the good in a situation where you're suffering all the time for something you had no control over.

There were a lot of "negative" things that I thought the movie portrayed very realistically. But what I love so much about this movie is that the whole overhead "moral" of the story is that although life can suck sometimes and it can be filled with the struggles of a sickness - there is still love and happiness to be had. And words can't explain how much easier and happier life can be when friends and family, and random people I run into - understand that I am sick, and I do things a little differently - but that doesn't make me lazy or any less of a person. One of my professors as of late has several times (in front of other people, no less) made derogatory comments about my need for rest or that I can't run around or do everything the other students can, and her ignorance hurts me. The tone in which she says these things, and things I have heard from many others, is one in which it's like she doesn't believe me. Like if I'm not hooked up to an IV or in a wheelchair all the time or have some physical deformity I can't really be sick.

All this rambling to say - be kind to everyone you meet. Those of us who are sick may not show it on the outside, and the judgment and accusations of being lazy or unmotivated to work/go to school/be social/whatever is simply not true and in fact very hurtful. Movies like TFIOS tell a story that many of us don't talk about or can't find the words to explain so very well. So instead of the knee-jerk reaction of judgement to a young person in a wheelchair who isn't paralyzed, or a friend being too tired to go out to eat....try compassion instead. I promise you it will mean the world to that person that you took just a split second to think about life in their shoes before accusing them of something because you don't understand.

My mess.

Am I the only one who feels like sometimes my life is just a hot mess?

There are still my difficult days like today where it literally hurts to do nothing. Still learning and applying what I learned from Mayo to make sure that I don't just stay at home and isolate on these days...always learning to walk in this process...

But aside from the mess of chronic illness, as of late I have felt like a mess in totally "normal" areas, such as relationships. And in the midst of my broken heart I went to spend the weekend with my sister for some much needed girl time. And as always, God has a plan for me being there exactly at that moment and had a message for me. On Sunday we went to her church and the message was all about Joseph and how God uses even the negative and sucky situations for His glory. And along comes the cliche - turning your mess into a message.

It says in Genesis 50:20 that what Joseph's brothers meant for evil (you know - selling him into slavery, convincing his father that his favorite child was killed - minor things) that God intended for His good. If Joseph hadn't gone through his traumatic experiences he would not have risen to his high standing, and as that verse states many people would have died as a result. His mess became his biggest message...so why can't yours?

God uses EVERYTHING for His purpose and to show His love and glory. And I suppose a part of me feels like trivial things like friendships, random interactions with strangers, and heart wrenching break ups aren't "lofty" enough to have some greater purpose but they do! God can literally use anything to bring someone closer to Him. It has always been a very obvious factor for me that being sick will aid in my testimony and message to others - it's who I am. I can't get through each day without Christ's strength. There have been SO many times where I have felt like I'm stuck in the deepest pits of hell, and there's no way I could have made it through those times without my faith. Meeting so many other people at Mayo who struggled with chronic illness I found myself amazed at how so many seemingly were alright getting through life with no faith or without Jesus. What do they have to hope for and hold onto? Another post for another time...

But all this to say that has been a huge part of my life and expectantly a huge part of my testimony. But even the smaller things like my recent break up can aid in my message too. This situation, though extremely painful, could help me help someone else down the line. I'm sure at some point someone I know will go through a break up, and perhaps the same situation happens to them that happened to me. And since I have lived through that experience I can share my story and show them there is light on the other side.

I feel like I'm rambling at this point and my brain fog/aphasia is setting in so I should probably stop while I'm ahead. But remember that no matter what is going on in your life, whether its a relationship ending, financial distress, health issues, job issues - God will take the negative and turn it into positive. He has the power to turn your mess into a message. God isn't going to waste a hurt in your life - it is going to be used for your good. Promise. You may not be able to see it now but in the big picture of your life there is a reason for it. This is a lesson I am continuing to learn, and it is a hard one....hopefully my mess is being used as a message and it brings hope for you.

2013.

I can't believe it's already this time of the year! 2013 has come and gone, and 2014 is now upon us. This year has certainly been life changing, and one roller coaster after another, but overall it has just been such a year of growth for me.

Last night I had the pleasure of ringing in the New Year with some new friends. And we went around the table saying what our most memorable part of the year was, and one of the girls noted how much she has grown this year and she is in such a different place than last year, and I found myself nodding in agreement for me. I am drastically in a different place than I was last year. God has changed my heart and mind in ways I never thought possible, and I can't wait to see what He has in store for me this year.

So as with every year, here is a list of some memorable things. Not everything is on here, I'm sure there are plenty of things I have forgotten…but here it is nonetheless!

• This year I started graduate school! What a crazy ride and it's halfway over!! Graduate school is amazing and I love all of it. Learning more and more about my future career and passion in life is such a blessing!
• I got my braces off!! No more looking like an awkward teen.
• Going on my second camping trip, but this time with my amazing Connection Group. There were some really awesome friendships I made from that group, and getting the opportunity to camp out was really fun.
• Brittney Griner. Enough said. It was such a great experience to see her play at Baylor and watch game after game as she continued to break records and started her career in the WNBA.
• Passing the 3 year mark with this blog!! I never imagined my blog would mean so much to me when I started, but I am so glad that I pressed on and did it. It's amazing to see how far I've come in just a few short years.
• Brinkley turned one!!! Such a mom, I know, but it is crazy to think he is almost two now!! He is such a constant joy in my life and helps me get through everything.
• April 17 was the West fertilizer plant explosion, which followed closely after the Boston marathon bombing. I have personal friends who are still dealing with the effects of the explosion, and being so close to a disaster and the after effects was a very sobering experience.
• Along the same lines on May 20th a tornado ravaged Oklahoma. It's so humbling to see the power of mother nature, but very heartening to see how people stand together a work to help out people in need.
• Going to Mayo. Well, this event alone has already gotten me 3-4 separate posts that you can check out for the full story. But my world got turned upside down this summer! Finally after 24 years getting a full and complete diagnosis - though different than expected, was indescribable. And then getting to spend a month with amazing people who struggle with chronic pain as I do, and getting to go on a journey with them to remember how to live life in spite of everything and being in control of my life again. Chronic pain is always going to be a part of my story, but it's not what my story is about anymore.
• Government shenanigans have been rampant over this year. With all the problems going on in Syria and potentially attacking them, and then the government shutting down….craziness. I won't go into more of that though.
• Miley Cyrus. Enough said.
• Baylor Scott & White merger has been a huge change this year!! Things are still changing where I work and there are many changes to happen in the future, but it is exciting to see all these huge companies coming together and working as a part of the largest not-for-profit healthcare system in Texas! It is such a blessing to not only have a job, but to have one I love and to be surrounding by amazing people is an even bigger blessing.
• This year a new head pastor began at my church, and he has also been such a blessing. I think he fits well with our church and is leading it in a way that is God-driven. He has a way of sharing the Word that is convicting and always is right on point! 
• This year, unfortunately as is a part of every year, there were losses. I had three friends within a pretty short time frame lose one of their parents. And that is SUCH a hard thing! I cannot even imagine all that they are going through, but I know that Heaven gained 3 more angels, and even more this year. Loss is unfortunately part of this life, but it is comforting to know that there is a life indescribably better than this one waiting for those of us who believe in Christ.
• Cornerstone. This semester a great group has started that allow singles from churches all over Waco to fellowship together. It's so hard to meet singles my age, and that's what this group has allowed me to do! Being able to socialize and be around people in my stage of life who aren't married (not that I'm at all dissing young married couples) or having kids yet, and having a network of friends in town. Most all of my friends have graduated and moved all over the nation, so it's nice to have some really great people so close!
• Catching Fire!!!! I waited so long for this movie to come out!! And it was definitely good. The books are of course much better, but the movie is very true to the book and I can't wait for the others to come out! 
• Nelson Mandela passing. Nelson Mandela has been such a global icon for so many years and it was definitely sad to see him go. But he had such an incredible life and left such an impact on millions of people. I can only hope when I go that I leave an impact on someone.
• Becoming a DTR. My new year ended with passing my registration exam to be a diet tech! It is such a relief to have that finished, and now I begin having initials behind my name! I'm really excited to see where my career is going to go from here!
• This year I had New Year's Eve plans!! Most years I don't really do anything, but this year I got to celebrate with some really awesome people and it was a really great way to end the year.

So that was basically my year in a very tiny nutshell.  I hope this new year brings you joy and happiness!