That's the Way the Mop Flops.

This past weekend has been one of the hardest I've had in a while. Funny how even when you're prepared for a really hard situation, it still doesn't really help all that much.

This morning my family buried my grandfather. In a couple weeks he was going to celebrate his 93rd birthday. We found out about a week ago that he only had a few days to live and medical treatment would no longer help him - to which he replied "That's the way the mop flops". This response was picturesque of Bill and the funny, incredible man he was. He lived life so hard, and had an incredibly long life.

I know that in a way this is a relief as he is no longer in pain, he's finally reunited with my grandmother and his brother, and let's be real - HE'S WITH GOD RIGHT NOW!!! How cool is that?! He is literally in the presence of Jesus right now - a place he has been planning for his entire life. But of course there is still pain for the loss during this life...

Bill was full of incredible stories. When he was 19 he was drafted and served in WWII as a paratrooper! That's right - he was legit. He was shot and earned a purple heart, and today he was honored with a military service funeral, which was a really unique and fitting experience to honor his sacrifice. As hard as funerals are, they are a great place to hear stories from all parts of a person's life from all different sources. And I think one of the biggest stories I will take away from my grandfather's life is the reason he so diligently went to church every Sunday. Growing up, my dad asked the same question that I'm sure many children have asked of their parents "Why do we have to go to church EVERY Sunday??? I'm tired/It's too cold/It's too hot/I don't want to/etc. etc." To which Bill answered: when I was in the war, watching so many of my friends die next to me, I made a promise to God that if He brought me home I would glorify Him with the rest of my life as best I could...and THAT is why we go to church every Sunday. He was gracious enough to bring me home, the least I can do is set aside time for Him every week.

Bill had such a heart and love for God, and it showed in everything he did. It was truly inspiring to hear stories of people who had come from far and wide to pay their respects to him and how he had changed their lives. I fully accept the stubbornness and will to fight that he has passed down, and I hope that I will make him proud with my life. He left an incredibly legacy that I will try to live up to - and will do my best to honor Christ the same way that he did.

Death is never easy. And as many of you probably never met Bill, this may not mean much to you - but of course this blog is mostly for my catharsis and coping. But even if you never had the opportunity to meet him, let his words convict you to truly live for Christ in every aspect of your life. He gives us way more grace and mercy than we can even think to deserve...so honor Him with everything you do. This life is only temporary, and we are not guaranteed another minute.

Here's a link to his obituary that was written by my parents, detailing a lot of the amazing things Bill did throughout his lifetime.

Community.

Community is something that I never really struggled with until college. Suddenly I was in a new city, going to a new school and for the first time really, left to my own devices to make my own friends - which is a huge struggle for a shy and introverted person. Not only was I trying to navigate finding new social circles, I was learning a new town, learning how to be in college, finding a new church home and all that comes with those life transitions - but guess what? So was everyone else around me.

Here I am about seven years later in quite a same predicament - new town, in need of new social circles, finding a new church home, and trying to navigate my first job in my career. And for some reason (completely God directed) the subject of community and fellowship keeps popping up. Today I was reading for my small group (at my new home church - yay!), and we are deeply going through 1, 2, and 3 John which are books that I've definitely never dove into, so I am excited for that. And what are the first 4 verses all about? You guessed it - fellowship.

If you haven't read the first part of 1 John I invite you to. In chapter 1:3-4 John specifically writes about his reasoning for writing these letters, and it is so others (aka even us today) might have FELLOWSHIP with them as believers, and that our joy will be complete. Our joy in Christ is made complete by the presence of community. More and more, this week in particular, I am being reminded that we are not meant to live this life alone - but together in community.

Think about anytime you walk by someone (in Texas anyhow) and we do the all too familiar "How are you? Good, you? "Good" And that's it. What kind of real life is that?! Today for example has been a really terrible day physically. Even in my home I've been using my wheelchair to get around because I don't have the strength to stand and it's just too painful, but I had to go into work for a bit to get some things done. So as I'm walking the excruciating path from my car to my office it is literally taking every fiber in my being to not just break down into a heap on the floor and cry. But when a coworker came out into the hallway traditional "How are you?" Of course I said "Good and you?" And he was none the wiser. How many times have you been that person putting on a brave face? Or - perhaps even worse- how often has someone done that to you? Imagine how powerful it would be if we took down this wall we have that everything has to be rainbows and unicorns and sunshine all the time! I must say the times I've asked friends how they are doing, when I receive an honest and real answer it is so much more rewarding than getting a typical "fine" or "good" response! Not only does it give you a chance to have a REAL conversation with someone, but it opens the door for your relationship with that person to get deeper so that real fellowship and community can be built.

It's truly amazing to see how common situations are when you allow yourself to be real with people and get out of your comfort zone, letting God foster deeper connections. For example, this month is Dysautonomia awareness month and I have been doing a "Photo A Day" Challenge where I discuss an issue that people struggling with dysautonomia face. I've mostly been doing it for an awareness obviously, but some dear friends of mine have taken on the task of doing the challenge as well, further spreading the word. And I have received so many responses personally, and via these friends from other people who are struggling with the same disease - who knew!! So it's bringing this big world a bit closer in, bringing us together - in community.

It's incredible when you open up how you discover the all too forgotten truth that you're not alone. There's always someone who has been where you are right now whether it's the beginning/ending of a relationship, beginning/ending of a job, loss of a friend/loved one, getting great news, adding a new member to your family, whatever the case may be! We aren't mean to live isolated lives with hundreds of facebooks "friends" with no real connections. Get outside in the real world and have real, honest conversations and it will be incredible the community that develops!!

#invisiblefight

Invisible Illness Awareness week is here!! #invisiblefight is the official hashtag theme for this year, so if you see it floating around or want to share something you see about this week, be sure to post it with the hashtag!

This week has come much sooner than I anticipated. By now I had hoped to be finished with reading/blogging through Sick And Tired: Empathy, Encouragement and Practical Help for Those Suffering from Chronic Health Problems - however that hasn't happened. You know what has happened? Life! I've had good days, bad days, traveling, work, friends, and all sorts of other things in between and in a way it's good that I haven't been just sitting at home, planning my life around my blog posts swimming around in my head!

Something that has not always been a part of my life is my wheelchair. And now that I'm sitting here thinking about it, the first time I ever used a wheelchair (aside from after surgeries or something) was SEVEN years ago!! That is crazy to me for several reasons. One of which is that though so much time has passed, I STILL struggle with using it EVERY. SINGLE. TIME. Why?! It was created to help. To make lives easier. And after every outing in which I use it, I'm grateful I did. Because using my wheelchair allows me to go and do activities that I physically could not do without it - so why is it so hard to mentally sit in that chair each time? Even when I meet new friends I am so insecure that I wonder if they will suddenly un-make plans with me if I mention I'll have to bring my chair. I have this stupid list in my head of the people I "trust" to be around in my chair. Because to add insult to injury, most of the time I don't have enough energy to wheel myself for very long, so whoever I'm with has to be okay with pushing me. People stare at me on a daily basis because of the way I walk, I get stopped doing normal everyday things like shopping to be asked questions about why I walk the way I do or if I believe in Jesus and if someone can pray for healing for me....so I should be used to that. But I'm a twenty something year old who looks fine on the outside. So many times I can read peoples faces, wondering why I'm sitting in the wheelchair or judging me because they believe I am faking and don't really need it. Why is this young girl using a motorized scooter in the grocery store when there are elderly people who need it? Because frankly - some days I just can't function without it. This has been confusing (and rightfully so!) to even my closest friends. On a good day I may be able to go to the grocery store, go to a couple stores after, and be fine. But then there are days when I literally can't walk from my bed to the bathroom. I can't ever predict which day is going to happen when, and so there are some days when I can do things and some days I can't. Just because I did something one day does not mean that I can do it the next. OR - maybe I can - but with the aid of my wheelchair. 

I believe that most of my struggle with my wheelchair is my inner stubborness and frankly being bull-headed. I may be able to push through the pain and exhaustion so I don't have to use my chair, and then be completely useless for the next 3 trying to recover. So you might just say - USE THE CHAIR! What's the big deal!?? Great question. This is definitely something I still struggle with. But I think what it boils down to is I don't want to need it - even though I know I do. I AM a twenty something, healthy looking girl from the outside - but that's not the same story being told on the inside. I already struggle so much with keeping up with everyone else and having this happy, brave face on all the time (which is exhausting in itself) - but being in a wheelchair brings a physicality to it that I can't hide....and that's an issue that will just take me a long time to get over. I know my close and true friends will not be one bit bothered by the extra effort it takes to help me around in my wheelchair when I need it, and hey, I get them primo parking spots too ;) . But next time you see a seemingly healthy person using a wheelchair, motorized scooter, parking in a handicap spot, whatever the case may be - don't automatically judge them. Is there a chance they are abusing a service they don't need? Yes, there's always that chance. One of my biggest pet peeves is non-handicapped people parking in handicap spots. But there's also a chance that they're not faking it or abusive a service. They have an invisible illness. 

This week is for us. To bring to light what we face every day of the year, so that hopefully more awareness is brought to millions of people who are often misunderstood and overlooked. Let me be clear - this week is NOT a pity party. I don't blog these super personal things so that people will pity me - in fact that is the LAST thing I want. If I could choose one thing to gain from this blog, and things like #invisiblefight, it would be understanding. Opening up your mind to a world that you may have no clue even existed. Opening up your heart to the battle that any person you drive by, walk by, see at work/school/wherever may be silently fighting. Honestly one seemingly tiny thing that means the most to me, is when my friends/family look up the illnesses I fight and learn more about it. And that can be true for anyone in your life fighting - taking the time to learn more and to get a tiny glimpse of a different life means more than you will ever know. 

Questions? AWESOME - hit me with them. Comments? Always welcome. Pity? Drop it. None of us want pity. We want understanding and to know that our fight is not in vain, and not fought alone. 

Head on over to the Invisible Illness home page to get more great information and resources on this week! 

Sharing.

This morning as I was considering sharing a quote from the Invisible Awareness Week Facebook page, I found myself once again having an internal battle with myself about whether I should or not. I spend a vast majority of my time making it appear to everyone around me that I am not sick. And I don’t want to become “that” person who constantly is posting stuff on facebook about illness like a big sign on my forehead saying “Don’t forget I’m sick!”…but at the same time this event comes once a year, and aside from posting about my blog there aren’t many times I do post about these things. 

Social media has become this massive platform for sharing everything with the entire world. And what once was just a medium for sharing what you had for lunch today or using emoticons to share your every feeling, can now be used to spread messages – whether they be positive or negative. More and more I’m seeing pictures of children’s classrooms matched with captions from teachers begging the image to be shared so that children can see the vast impact one picture they post can have on the internet and how many people see it. What an incredible opportunity to spread a message! If I’ve been given this platform, and can raise awareness for not only my invisible illnesses, but others as well – why shouldn’t I? And if people get tired of me posting stuff 1 month out of the year, then they don’t have to read it! Granted this argument can also be said for sharing things about faith and spreading the message of God’s love on this amazing platform we’ve been given – but that’s another can of worms for another time.

Just the other day I had a conversation with a friend who is aware of my medical struggles, and she had met someone else who had an invisible illness. And she had the revelation that I wish so many other people would have – you can look completely fine on the outside, and a hot mess on the inside. So many people are fighting battles we know nothing about, and looking at them will not show you all the battle wounds they have on the inside. Nearing every other person on the planet is struggling with a chronic condition, 96% of which are invisible. This week/month are such an important time to raise awareness about it so that millions of people can finally be heard and know that there are so many of us supporting them and we believe that it’s real and not in their head (something we get told A LOT). 

So if you get tired of seeing my posts – I don’t know what to tell you other than to keep scrolling. Not only is this message something I’m passionate about, and this is the only way I know how to help; but this is also a huge growing experience for me. Posting the quotes I see that ring true in my heart, or writing about the daily struggles I try so hard to hide is extremely hard. It puts me in an incredibly vulnerable place and I’m voluntarily allowing people to see my weak spot and opening a door for them to either hit it or embrace it. And I know that God works the most in valleys and in weak spots, so this is also an opportunity for Him to be glorified through this life that He has given me, even if I don’t see the purpose or reason behind it yet. 

This week/month of intentional awareness isn’t about me. It’s about all of us. We just want to be heard and taken seriously. It’s not all our story is about, but it’s a big part that we want to share. 

What's Wrong With You?

This month is a very special month for me, because it is includes Invisible Illness Awareness Week! The official week this year is Sept 28-Oct 4, and you can find more information and cool resources at their website.

Yesterday I started reading Sick And Tired: Empathy, Encouragement and Practical Help for Those Suffering from Chronic Health Problems. As you can imagine, it's written by someone who is in the same boat so many of us are, and she herself has several chronic (and invisible) illnesses. It's SUCH a comfort to read these words that seem to come directly from my brain, but to know that someone else has the same thoughts! Instead of waiting until Invisible Illness Week, I want to blog my way through this book, and in honor of this important week, speak to some issues that we as invisible illness sufferers face, and raise awareness!

Normally when someone is sick someone can simply ask "What's wrong with you?" and the answer is rather simple - a cold, sinus infection, mono...and the conversation ends there. But if you have several illnesses, add to it they are invisible without outward symptoms, how do you explain that? Do I start from the beginning and detail 23 years of misdiagnosis, tests, almost answers, and arrive at the long disease names? I have tried that all too many times and watched as eyes glossed over, realizing they were in for way more than they bargained for. So they are confused, I'm frustrated, and nothing was solved or answered. This is most definitely something I still struggle with, particularly as I meet new people. I want to tell them so they're aware of my limitations or why I do certain things a certain way, but do they really need/want to know every detail of my journey?

So if I don't need to tell the whole story (unless someone asks - of course I'm an open book with telling the whole story if you are wanting to hear it!), and I shouldn't rattle off a list of diseases no one has heard of - what do I say? I suppose it would suffice to have a "nutshell" answer, and one that ends in a positive light so that whoever I'm speaking to doesn't resort immediately to pity or think I'm devastated (at that moment) about the life I've been given.

Take away here: When you ask someone who is chronically ill what is wrong with them, and they look around confused and don't answer right away, don't assume they are making it up or just want attention. It's because they are having the inner monologue from above, unsure of where to begin and how much to tell. Some people are just curious and want to know for their own nosy selves and will be happy with a short answer. Some people are legitimately curious and want to know about you as a person and more about what comes with hanging out with you a lot....so having a "nutshell" answer allows the nosy to be satisfied, and leaves a door open for further questions from those who are genuine.

Hi, my name is Jordan. I have several conditions that affect my muscles and nerves, and I'm in pain/exhausted every second of the day, so I have to often rest when I don't want to, so I'm going to sit down now. Would you like to join me?

Finally.

Hey people!

I have super exciting news! So, usually I am not a big fan of Nike - but they finally have done something that many companies should have done long ago! Tomorrow there will be a new shoe on the shelf called FlyEase, made especially for disabled patients!

I often have issues with my hands, and it's hard to get my legs in a comfortable position to properly tie my shoes. And when you're 25, it's a bit embarrassing to ask someone else to tie them. Not only is it hard to tie, but physically getting the shoes on and off can be a challenge! Not just for me, but for anyone suffering from motor function deficiencies, such as with Parkinson's, cerebral palsy, etc. 

With FlyEase the back of the shoe opens up similar to a door hinge, so your foot can easily slip in and out, with a zipper closure designed to be operated with a single hand. And instead of traditional laces there is a Velcro flap to keep it tight! 

This probably doesn't seem overly excited to a healthy person, who has probably not even thought twice about putting tennis shoes on before. But as someone who sometimes struggles with footwear, I am completely stoked about this!! And hopefully now other companies will follow suit and will begin making more accessible shoes as well!

Unfortunately right now there are only men's sizes, and they start at 7. So Nike is choosing to cut out a huge portion of disabled patients...but maybe in time they will be more inclusive. 

Jessica.

Even as I sit here typing, part of me doesn't really believe she's gone.

She was just here. She just finished law school. And today I get a text saying she's gone? It can't be true.

When I think of Jessica all I can think of is her smiling face. I don't think I ever saw her when she wasn't smiling. She had such a ferocity for life and was determined to make the world a better place - which I believe she did.

We were in the same sorority family, which is what brought us together. She was one of the many reasons being in the hott family was so much fun. I introduced her to peppermint bark which rocked her world, and she introduced me to the awesomeness of zebra shorts.

Heaven most certainly gained an incredible, joyful, intelligent angel today. I don't understand why God brought her home so soon, with so much earthly life to live...but there is a reason. Yes it helps to know that I will see her again because she is without a doubt dancing around and praising our God and pain-free.....but for now? It just hurts.

RD!

I suppose after a grueling 1200 hour, 6 month internship my blog deserves an update! That type of schedule doesn't leave much time for anything fun - let alone blogging! But I can now say that not only have I successfully completed my internship - but I have passed my licensure exam and am now officially a Registered Dietitian!

It's been a long, stressful road the past 6 years leading up to this moment - many of which I believed I would not make it to this point. But with the help of my family/friends, God's blessings and guidance, and a ridiculous amount of work and perseverance - I have done it!

So now for an even bigger piece of news (is there such a thing?!)....I have officially moved to the bustling metropolis of Marble Falls! Population is about 6,000 and it is one of the smallest towns I've ever been in! It's definitely going to take a lot of getting used to. New home, new town, new job! There's a new hospital here that is set to open next month and I will be the RD on staff - the only one! So that's going to be interesting. It's so beautiful here though. It's in hill country, my house is on top of a hill overlooking the lake - gorgeous!

As if I needed another reminder of God's faithfulness this whole experience has been yet another in the win column for His existence and hand in my life. He has so seamless brought me to this place and made everything transition so smoothly that there is no way I was not meant to be here. It's going to be really hard when my parents leave and I'm truly and completely on my own for the first time in my life - but I know without a doubt He has a plan for me being here and it doesn't include abandoning me now.

If you want more specifics about my new home just text me! I hope you're having a FABULOUS day and I hope to hear from you soon!

Looking Up.

Hello!

I am extremely grateful to be writing this post in a MUCH happier state of mind than my last one. But it’s those difficult days that make good ones so much more meaningful, right?

For over 15 years I have tried what seems like every medication out there to relieve various symptoms or the chronic pain – mostly to no avail. My fellow spoonies can attest that with any new medicine the side effects are generally worse than the original symptom you’re trying to fix! It’s a very emotionally draining process of getting your hopes up for a new medicine to just have it not work, or to make symptoms even worse! BUT! I can say with pleasure that for once in my life, I am now on a medication that helps!!! Not only does it help, but it has made a HUGE difference in my daily life – such an unbelievably huge answer prayer.

Though there is a small caveat – the fact that this medicine works means I get to add another chronic ailment to my list: RLS. Restless Leg Syndrome (RLS) is a very irritating condition that most people have actually heard of, that is characteristically known for a strong urge to move your legs (or arms as well, in lovely severe cases such as mine) to relieve discomfort/pain that get worse with inactivity or around bedtime. This is why it’s so hard for me to travel!! It’s such a relief to finally have an answer, but an even bigger relief to have a medicine that helps!!! I’m sleeping better than I can ever remember, and I have energy for the first time since I can remember, and the medicine is helping my nerves chill out.

While unfortunately I cannot say it’s helping with the daily pain I have, it’s made a world of difference even still. At this point I will take anything I can get! It’s really hard to describe how I feel now. Honestly, I’ve never really had much energy, so now that I have little spurts of it, I don’t know what to do with myself! Waking up every morning used to be a miserable process of forcing myself to get out of bed despite the fact that I felt like I hadn’t slept for a week. But now I wake up with enough energy to pop out of bed and greet the day – feeling like I have actually slept! Granted my new abundance of energy is probably equivalent to a healthy person’s slow day, but it’s still a dramatic improvement for me! Now my new battle is moderation! It’s so hard now that I have some energy to not go out and do a bunch of things which will lead to being burnt out!

This situation has confirmed yet again, that you are your biggest advocate!! I am SO blessed to have a doctor in town who is willing to help me try new things if it will bring some relief, and she was open to prescribing this medicine. But I had to ask for it! I was the one who had to tell her I thought I had RLS! It is strange to me that for all these years no doctors have ever mentioned it either. It may seem a small thing to have a new medicine, especially one that isn’t a miracle pill that magically takes away all pain and exhaustion….but it’s made my life, already just in the week I’ve taken it, SO much more bearable. My mom has always told me (and she’s right, as moms usually are) that my biggest advocate will always be me, and that’s true for anyone! Whether it’s medically, or in a situation with friends or work, or whatever life circumstance – it’s okay to stick up for yourself and be your own advocate, chances are it will be worth it!    

No Tears Left.

I can't believe it's been four months since my last post! As I mentioned in my last post, with the new year came my internship - potentially the most crucial part of my road to becoming a dietitian! I knew going into these hard, fast-paced 6 months that it would probably be the most physically demanding months of my life - and I was certainly right on point. Logging 50 hours a week, being on my feet much more than I'm used to, completing assignments and pretending to have a social life is quite exhausting.

I wish I could be writing this post in jubilee or extreme joy....but it is quite the opposite. But then again, that's what this blog was created for; a place for me to have catharsis for the pent up emotions and exhaustion that comes with chronic illness. But hopefully it is also a source of encouragement for others...but I'm getting ahead of myself!

My faithful readers and close friends know that I go through periods, or flares, as I so affectionately refer to them, when my pain and exhaustion reach unbearable levels. It could last a day, it could last a year - I never know. Unfortunately I'm hitting right about month three of this current flare. This time it's severely affected my legs to the extreme of several times I have literally fallen to the ground because I don't have enough strength to stand. It can be incredibly scary. At the beginning I even had to use my wheelchair in the house...I couldn't take more than a couple steps without just collapsing. Thankfully I am not at that low point anymore, and can stand for quite a few minutes at this point, but most days the pain is still past my pain tolerance (which is extremely high).

Today for some reason I just hit a breaking point. I had completed my 8-5 day, generally feeling alright, and from the time I came home to now it has just gone downhill. Tonight I have cried so much and with such intensity that I literally don't have any tears left to cry. I have texted in desperation to close friends who understand, longing for someone to tell me I wasn't as useless and broken as I felt. I don't have these moments very often - and even less often I speak about these moments....I'm not proud of them, but I've realized what a necessity they are. Life is hard. Having a competitive internship is hard. Add a couple chronic illnesses and constant unbearable, unrelenting pain and you've got yourself a sucky situation. The emotions and frustrations have to be released and unfortunately I tend to wait until the point of explosion.

These moments are part of my coping skills. They may not be the healthiest, but it's how I deal. I have these days where I just completely LOSE IT. I don't mean just a dainty little tear streaming down my face; but intense, hyperventilating sobs as I'm collapsed on the floor, crying out for relief and crying tears of anger and confusion. I have my moment to feel like a useless pile of trash with no worth to the world, trapped inside a broken body, knowing that boo-hooing about it won't change a thing. But when the tears stop - I get up. I wash my face off, usually cuddle with Brinkley, and get on with my life. I need to have those breakdown moments to release everything I hold in 24/7. I HATE letting people see I'm in pain or that I am somehow limited. I'm stubborn and don't ask to sit down when I know I'll be feeling the effects for days after. If you asked some of my acquaintances or even some of my friends they would have NO clue I live with pain or illness - and that's my goal. It is completely, mind-numbingly exhausting to pretend all the time that I'm fine when I'm not. And within the past couple years, especially in rehab, I've learned better coping skills and how to properly deal with it all...but I still have difficult days. But they don't completely stop my life like they used to - and to me that's positive progress.

I know that in these times Satan is just on the edge of his seat, waiting for me to renounce my faith and put a big middle finger in the air. He WANTS to steal the peace my faith gives me. He wants me to break down and feel broken. But I'm too stubborn to give him that satisfaction. I may be down but I'm getting back up. I have a God beside me who has truly known every kind of pain and frustration - and has remained pure. I don't have the strength to get through the day, or sometimes even through an hour or minute....but I'm with a God who gives me HIS strength that has overcome death! Even David has gone through times when he has cried until there are no more tears. 1 Sam 30:4 says "then David and the people who were with him lifted up their voices and wept until they had no more power to weep." During these moments it's the easiest thing in the world to feel alone - but I'm not! "But David strengthened himself in the Lord" which is exactly what I'm going to (attempt to) do. I may not feel it now, but I know the Lord hears my tears and he weeps with me. This life is not forever and one day there will be a day with no more tears and no more pain. One day I'm going to have a PERFECT body - what?! I eagerly await for that day, but until then I know there is a reason for my life.

I'm not writing this to be praised. I certainly am not writing it for sympathy. It's mostly for me, but I want it to be an avenue of awareness and encouragement. Paul says it perfectly in Phil 3:12-14 (taken from the Message):

I’m not saying that I have this all together, that I have it made. But I am well on my way, reaching out for Christ, who has so wondrously reached out for me. Friends, don’t get me wrong: By no means do I count myself an expert in all of this, but I’ve got my eye on the goal, where God is beckoning us onward—to Jesus. I’m off and running, and I’m not turning back. 

So that's where I am. Not at all even close to where I want to be...but my eyes are searching in that direction and I know that God will bring me through this flare and these illnesses, and this life. He has a preeeeeetty good track record - the logic lends in his favor. So I'm going to do my best to take His strength and glorify Him with this life that I sometimes see as a broken one, and I encourage you to do the same. It's okay to have breakdowns. Have a meltdown, cry until there is nothing left....but then GET UP. Press onward. God hasn't given us this life to live lying down. He's beckoning us onward. Will you go?

2014.

Another year has come and gone! I went back and re-read my last few New Years posts, and there was a lot of change and transition in those years. This year has been more of a closing chapters type year. My time at Baylor, and in school, is officially over. And this year begins the start of my career and new phase of life! As much as I have always loved school, and have cherished my years at Baylor, I am most definitely ready to continue on and finally be in my career and settled. Here are a few highlights from the year:

• Baylor playing in the Fiesta Bowl. We lost 52-42, but it was a cool experience and a good game!
• Having a committed relationship for the first time in a few years! Didn't turn out the way I planned, but I have learned and grown from the experience.
• Getting in my first big wreck. 
• Malaysian flight disappearing, and since then a few more have. Strange things happening with AirAsia....
• On 4/15 there was a blood moon. It was not fun getting up at 3 in the morning to see it, but so worth it!! Definitely something that isn't seen very often. 
• 4/17 marked the 1 year anniversary of the West explosion. Having personal friends go through that tragedy was hard, and it's still a city that is trying to recover.
• This summer I read the Harry Potter books and watched the movies.....for the first time! Yes. For the first time. And of course now I'm totally obsessed!
• This summer represented one year post-rehab. Hitting that milestone was a very special day. Some days I struggle a lot with going back to bad habits and unhealthy thinking, but knowing that I've gone this long on a new path gives me the hope and rejuvenation I need to continue on. 
• Mary Angelou, James Garner, Robin Williams, Joan Rivers and Edward Hermann died
• I traveled to Boston and Cooperstown, NY with my parents! Getting to be with my dad on his vacation of a lifetime was very cool, and I must say I wouldn't mind going to Boston again! 
• I was talented enough to fall in my apartment one night and break my elbow. This was the first time I was given real pain meds since rehab, and that was a huge struggle to have them be very limited...but I survived with the help of my close friends who understood the struggle, and I did not fall back into bad ways!
• This fall represented the inaugural season of football in McLane Stadium! I got the chance to go to a game with my dad and was blown away by it!!! Very cool, and if I do say so myself, I believe the Bears have kept up with the hype and have earned every part of that stadium.
• Ebola. That's all I will say. 
• Baylor ended the season being #5 in the nation, the ONE TRUE Champ of the big 12, and is going to play in the Cotton bowl! 
• In December Gilmore (Jeep) and I parted ways after a good 8 years together. And Avery, my Nissan Rogue, and I have begun our journey together. 
• I graduated with my Masters!!!!! Completely surreal to think that my academic part of life is officially over. My time at Baylor is over....still sinking in for sure. 
• My brother and his fiance got to come home for Christmas! We also met his future step-daughter, one of the most adorable and intelligent 5 year olds you will ever meet! Spending time with them before they get married was such a special time for us as a family.
• Yesterday my grandpa turned 92!! I swear he gets funnier with every year, and is still such a blessing to our family and hanging in there! 

It's been a long year! Nothing too exciting or life-changing to say here - just documenting my time :) This blog has been a cathartic place for me to cope with a frustrating disease, but also to document and share how God is continuing to use me and work in my life for His ultimate plan for me. It's so much bigger than anything I could have planned for myself, and I'm really excited to see where He places me in this next year. I don't know what is going to happen after my internship is over this summer....and that used to scare me. But He's gotten me this far, and has never failed to put me where I need to be when I need to be there, so I know everything will work out! A heartfelt and genuine thanks to everyone who has been a part of my life this year. Whether it was a positive or negative interaction, overall it has led to personal growth and reflection. I know I wouldn't be as happy or who I am without the people in my life and your continued support and encouragement helps get me through day by day :)

I hope this post finds you well, and that you have an exciting year ahead! I look forward to being a part of it.