Saturday, November 4, 2017

Fluidity.

I write this from my new (and first) HOME! in Corpus Christi! What an absolute whirlwind the past month has been! I had a phone interview for a job that sounded really cool, and two days later I had an offer!! And like an insane person, I accepted without having been to Corpus Christi probably since I was in middle school. So that weekend we ventured down here to begin our one and only day to find a place to live - which we did!

For the past 2.5 years I've had my first full time career position, and been thrown into way more than I signed up for. I don't regret my time in Marble Falls at all - for one thing, it brought me Jake! And career wise it taught me a lot about my field, about me as a person, and the kind of people I want to surround myself with - and most importantly the kind I don't. I just felt suffocated every.single.day. I was drowning. If I'm honest, and without getting into too much detail in the public world, there were some DARK times. I've never mentally been as low as I was there. I HAD to get out. I had been searching for jobs for months, got a few nibbles, but nothing ever panned out. One opportunity was essentially a sure thing and fell through at the last minute, leaving me devastated. But I suppose God had a better plan for me, and it would seem that plan is in Corpus!

Those who know me know that I do NOT deal with change well. Not just that I dislike it, but it physically/emotionally/mentally screws with my head to deal with change. Call it OCD, call it intense anxiety or whatever label you want to attach to it - it makes life hard because...life is nothing but change. It's so hard to explain because even if the change is 100% positive, I can't immediately get on board. I FINALLY got a ticket out of a toxic environment to a really cool new city. I got a promotion with my career and have my foot in the door to do what I've always been called to do - the NICU!!! BABIES!! In the world of dietetics the NICU is incredibly specialized, very competitive and hard to get into unless you have experience...which you can't get unless you have experience. But here I was given an opportunity to start in a great position and eventually transition to the NICU when their higher designation was approved. And on top of that I get to start this incredible journey with my husband and best friend! And we get to live in this amazing house and be real adults (ha!)! So why can't I just jump right into joyful glee? Couldn't tell you - I've just always needed time.

We hung up the pictures and art this week in the house so it would feel more like home, and yet it made me cry. The pictures aren't where they normally go, we're in a new place and don't know anyone, and I just felt so empty. I have Jake and Brinkley, who bring me immense joy and are my one familiar thing in a land of unknown - but right now it's hard to cling to just that. You know when you have a crappy or long day and you go to the safety and comfort of your home, and everything feels better? That is all I want right now, but right now my house isn't home to me yet. My new job threw me right into the fire and I went from seeing 4-8 patients a day in MF to my first day having 32! Thankfully it's calmed down since then but even still it's physically way more demanding and I had 24 hours from moving in to be at work - absolutely no down time. Needless to say, my body is pretty upset with me right now.

All of this has made my head spin without rest for the past 10 days we've been here, and finally this weekend I have time to sit and breathe. Instead of dealing with these emotions or thoughts I've just been pushing them down and doing what needs to get done. But today, for the first time, I had to excuse myself from a patient's room because I could say absolutely nothing professional or kind. She pushed every button I had and stabbed me right in the pinnacle of my insecurities and anger I didn't fully realize was still so strong in my soul. It was for sure the straw that broke the camel's back. I excused myself and immediately called Jake, crying I was so livid. I have NEVER been that upset about a patient, and my strength and resolve was already so low that I had no tolerance or ability to fight it. All details aside, she has made some very poor health decisions that have already affected her baby. Her baby already has several serious conditions and will now face a life of sickness and pain...as a direct result of her mother. Despite knowing it is due to her lifestyle, she not only doesn't care or have remorse about her actions, but has plans to have another baby after this one.

Many people probably won't understand why this hit me so hard. I've had plenty of difficult patients before. Probably 75% of my patients are noncompliant, and hers was not the most ridiculous diet history I've heard. But she has altered the course of her baby's life because of selfish decisions and could not have cared less. And this hits home SO hard for me because my life has forever been altered because of a birthmom who didn't care enough about herself or me to do what needed to be done. And now this poor, defenseless baby has to fight the same battles. And her mother has absolutely no guilt about the situation or plans to change, but in fact wants another baby and for me to tell her what she's doing is okay. I was shaking with anger - anger that obviously is unresolved. I need to deal with this but honestly, don't know how (Legit taking suggestions or advice on this point). As I transition into the NICU I'm bound to meet more families with stories like this one, stories like mine. But when I think about it, I wouldn't even have a desire or calling for NICU without my situation. I was born already at a massive disadvantage, through no fault of my own - and so are these precious souls. I've been given an opportunity to help get them back on the best track they can be on, and I doubt I'd be on this path without my social history. Does it make it okay? Does it mean I don't still want answers from her or honestly, sometimes to punch her in the face? No, it doesn't. But it does mean that not everything that came from her is negative. For me to even be able to say that is HUGE.

If you've made it this far, I sincerely appreciate it. I don't know how much of this makes sense to anyone else, but I felt the need to get out my thoughts and angst, so I just wrote without editing. This season of my life is most definitely a transition. There is a whole new world of opportunities, memories, and a life to be made here and really I am so excited to discover everything God has for us here, and I know in time it will feel like home. I never really went through the angsty high school "who am I?" phase. In college I definitely found out a lot about who I was, because for the first time you're having to decide what you believe and how you want to live your life without your parents telling you everything. Honestly, I thought I was done with finding out who I was, if that makes sense. But maybe that transition is fluid and ever changing. My life was turned upside down 4 years ago when I found out the truth about my health. I had to redefine who I was and what made me "me". I thought I had dealt with "her" and could go about my life, but obviously that is still "in progress". She made a mistake many years ago, and I've paid for that mistake every day of my life. But it made me who I am. I probably wouldn't be as empathetic as I am, I probably wouldn't have always had a drive to be in the healthcare world, and now more specifically the NICU. I have a kindred spirit with every one of those tiny miracles, and that's because of her. As much as I hate her most of the time (I know it's wrong but hey - working on it), she unintentionally or not made me part of who I am I guess. I want to rise above the anger and negativity I have towards her, and while I am making strides I am not there yet, but one day I will be. But for now? I ride the wave of fluid transition.

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