Control.

So, I have an issue. I'm sorta, kinda, really, completely a control freak. And since college started 3 years ago (which ps, how am I already a junior?!) it has hit me in the face several times.

When I found out about my surgery in December, I literally scheduled it for 2 weeks after I found out I needed it, and then had to unregister for the Spring semester. That hit me HARD and it has taken me a LONG time to get over that. If you know me, you know what a planner I am. Heck, I make plans to make plans. My close friends know that messing with my calendar is like the biggest offense ever. You may laugh or smile at that, and as pathetic as it is, it's true. My life is one big plan. It wasn't in the plan for me to take a semester off. I know it happens to a lot of people, either for academic or financial or some other reason...and that's fine and dandy. But it wasn't ever supposed to be for me. I wasn't going to take a semester off. But I HAD to have this surgery. And I HAD to have it right then, so I had no choice and took the semester off. That was one of the reasons for starting this blog, was to journal what's going on with me and exploring what God has planned for this crazy, unpredictable time in my life and let Him use this for His glory.

This fall I am back in classes and am SO, SO incredibly happy to be back and getting back to normal life. But today I go in to talk to my advisor, to map out the next 2 years of my life. And yes, she was shocked I was coming in to do this haha. And it turns out, that semester that I didn't think would affect me, is now causing me to be unable to graduate on time. Right after I walked out of the building I called my mom and just cried. I finally thought things were back on track and I was recovering from all the insanity of the past 9 months, and reality slaps me in the face and my plans once again go down in flames. I know a TON of people take an extra semester, year, or sometimes even longer to graduate. And kudos to them, I know everyone is different and sometimes it just takes longer. But as the situation before was, it's fine for someone else...but not for me. Staying an extra semester was not in the plan just as much, if not more so, as taking a semester off. I know that putting this out of the web and falling apart about this will probably bring some judgment and some people may even tell me I just need to get over it. But this is a big deal for me. Today I'm letting myself be sad and frustrated about it, and then I'll get over it. I know there's nothing I can do about it and this is just the way it's going to be. God DOES have a plan for all of this, and even though right now I can't even see a glimpse of that, I know He's got it.

The past couple weeks I've been so proud of myself because I'm getting close to wearing my boot only about half of the time, and I've been going to the gym and doing my therapy consecutively and have really been able to see a difference. But yesterday I fell, and busted up my knee and twisted my foot even though I had my boot on. So now I have extra pain and healing that has to happen before I can continue on with my therapy. When I fall, which I'm learning is semi-frequent...it takes a long time for me to recover and it really throws me off; and not just physically.

These past 9 months have been such a trying time for me physically, emotionally, and spiritually. Maybe that's part of why I'm going through all this....to learn that my plans aren't set in stone and that God's plan is what I need to focus on, and what is a bazillion (yes, bazillion) times better than mine. So needless to say...I have no idea what's going to happen in the next few years and that drives me NUTS! But I know that God has it in His control, and I am trying to find peace in that.