This week has come much sooner than I anticipated. By now I had hoped to be finished with reading/blogging through Sick And Tired: Empathy, Encouragement and Practical Help for Those Suffering from Chronic Health Problems - however that hasn't happened. You know what has happened? Life! I've had good days, bad days, traveling, work, friends, and all sorts of other things in between and in a way it's good that I haven't been just sitting at home, planning my life around my blog posts swimming around in my head!
Something that has not always been a part of my life is my wheelchair. And now that I'm sitting here thinking about it, the first time I ever used a wheelchair (aside from after surgeries or something) was SEVEN years ago!! That is crazy to me for several reasons. One of which is that though so much time has passed, I STILL struggle with using it EVERY. SINGLE. TIME. Why?! It was created to help. To make lives easier. And after every outing in which I use it, I'm grateful I did. Because using my wheelchair allows me to go and do activities that I physically could not do without it - so why is it so hard to mentally sit in that chair each time? Even when I meet new friends I am so insecure that I wonder if they will suddenly un-make plans with me if I mention I'll have to bring my chair. I have this stupid list in my head of the people I "trust" to be around in my chair. Because to add insult to injury, most of the time I don't have enough energy to wheel myself for very long, so whoever I'm with has to be okay with pushing me. People stare at me on a daily basis because of the way I walk, I get stopped doing normal everyday things like shopping to be asked questions about why I walk the way I do or if I believe in Jesus and if someone can pray for healing for me....so I should be used to that. But I'm a twenty something year old who looks fine on the outside. So many times I can read peoples faces, wondering why I'm sitting in the wheelchair or judging me because they believe I am faking and don't really need it. Why is this young girl using a motorized scooter in the grocery store when there are elderly people who need it? Because frankly - some days I just can't function without it. This has been confusing (and rightfully so!) to even my closest friends. On a good day I may be able to go to the grocery store, go to a couple stores after, and be fine. But then there are days when I literally can't walk from my bed to the bathroom. I can't ever predict which day is going to happen when, and so there are some days when I can do things and some days I can't. Just because I did something one day does not mean that I can do it the next. OR - maybe I can - but with the aid of my wheelchair.
I believe that most of my struggle with my wheelchair is my inner stubborness and frankly being bull-headed. I may be able to push through the pain and exhaustion so I don't have to use my chair, and then be completely useless for the next 3 trying to recover. So you might just say - USE THE CHAIR! What's the big deal!?? Great question. This is definitely something I still struggle with. But I think what it boils down to is I don't want to need it - even though I know I do. I AM a twenty something, healthy looking girl from the outside - but that's not the same story being told on the inside. I already struggle so much with keeping up with everyone else and having this happy, brave face on all the time (which is exhausting in itself) - but being in a wheelchair brings a physicality to it that I can't hide....and that's an issue that will just take me a long time to get over. I know my close and true friends will not be one bit bothered by the extra effort it takes to help me around in my wheelchair when I need it, and hey, I get them primo parking spots too ;) . But next time you see a seemingly healthy person using a wheelchair, motorized scooter, parking in a handicap spot, whatever the case may be - don't automatically judge them. Is there a chance they are abusing a service they don't need? Yes, there's always that chance. One of my biggest pet peeves is non-handicapped people parking in handicap spots. But there's also a chance that they're not faking it or abusive a service. They have an invisible illness.
This week is for us. To bring to light what we face every day of the year, so that hopefully more awareness is brought to millions of people who are often misunderstood and overlooked. Let me be clear - this week is NOT a pity party. I don't blog these super personal things so that people will pity me - in fact that is the LAST thing I want. If I could choose one thing to gain from this blog, and things like #invisiblefight, it would be understanding. Opening up your mind to a world that you may have no clue even existed. Opening up your heart to the battle that any person you drive by, walk by, see at work/school/wherever may be silently fighting. Honestly one seemingly tiny thing that means the most to me, is when my friends/family look up the illnesses I fight and learn more about it. And that can be true for anyone in your life fighting - taking the time to learn more and to get a tiny glimpse of a different life means more than you will ever know.
Questions? AWESOME - hit me with them. Comments? Always welcome. Pity? Drop it. None of us want pity. We want understanding and to know that our fight is not in vain, and not fought alone.
Head on over to the Invisible Illness home page to get more great information and resources on this week!
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