Sunday, June 25, 2017


If you asked me to describe my life right now, I would say it's in pieces. Not necessarily a negative thing, just that there are so many different pieces spread out in front of me, so much unknown - and I can't finish it without getting some pieces put in the right place first. The problem? I'm not in charge of putting the pieces together!

Those close to me know that I am a HUGE fan of puzzles. I love the mental challenge of figuring out how to put tiny parts together to create a bigger picture. Have you ever noticed if you just look at a piece by itself, or even a couple, you have no idea what the bigger picture is? It doesn't make sense to just look at part of it. So why is it so hard to not do that in life? We get so bogged down by the current circumstance and most of the time it doesn't make sense, but we don't have access to the big picture yet. My current conquest is a 1500 piece collage of Van Gogh's most famous works, and it's satisfyingly difficult! But think about it, you've toiled for hours over this puzzle, possibly even days - and then's finished. Complete. It may be weird, but when I'm finished with a puzzle I find myself running my hand along the entirety of it, enjoying the feel of a complete puzzle, no missing pieces (most of the time). It's perfect. The benefit of actual puzzles if you get a picture of the completed image to go off of and to guide you through the process, though in life sometimes we are not so lucky.

There are a lot of unknowns in my life right now, and a lot of missing pieces. Over the next couple days so much of my life could change, and I have been stuck in an agonizing hole of waiting. I struggle a lot with anxiety, and with my dysautonomia when I get in these stressful situations (even if it's positive stress) I get stuck in the "fight or flight" mode for hours, or lately, days - which is beyond words exhausting. Your body isn't meant to be in that state for more than a few minutes, and after the stressor is gone your body resets itself. Mine however, seems to have lost it's reset button, which has made me pretty sick and run down the past couple weeks. Hopefully all my efforts will have paid off, and hopefully there will be a happy end with the final puzzle piece soon.

Not only with my (I'm sure frustratingly) vague situation, but with my health too there are always going to be missing pieces. I suffer from autoimmune diseases that I usually have to educate my own heathcare providers about. And apparently now my migraines are going to be daily for the time being. I used to have migraines maybe 3-4 times per year, and they were managed with medication and in the grand scheme of my health, were not a big deal. But after the cruise I developed Mal De Dembarkment Syndrome (MDDS), which apparently triggered my migraines to become daily. And there's a possibility of fibromyalgia?? Still unsure of that one. Needless to say, as if my life weren't complicated enough by chronic pain and autoimmune issues, I get to add another piece to it. Right now I'm not controlled by medication and am going through the agonizing trial and error process of different ones - the current has an 8 week titration schedule to even get to the lowest dose. Great.

And marriage! That is like adding a whole other puzzle to the mix! Jake and I have been through the ringer in our 4 short months of marriage, but it has made us all the more strong as a team. I don't have some prolific message to end this with, it's moreso just word vomit and trying to figure out some sort of pattern to the various pieces of my life right now that just don't seem to fit no matter how hard I try. But I try to focus on that accomplished feeling I have at the end - knowing my hard work and struggle has paid off. Hopefully soon I will be granted a few final pieces that will put together this part in my life, and I will get the satisfaction of a job well done. But for now? I wait.

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