Restless.

Anyone who knows me well knows I don't sit still well. I feel like this has been a pretty major problem in the last fifteen months specifically....both physically and spiritually. My mentality in everything I do is to do it my best, and to do it like everyone else....to excel past everyone's expectations for me. I want to be at the optimal level of activity that I still can be, for as long as I can. Because at some point, some vague point in time, I won't be able to anymore. Even in the past couple months I've notice significant loss. (I blogged about it here if you need a refresher) And the last 3 surgeries that I've had in the past year have led to a combined time of about 6.5 months of non-weight bearing time. Major suckage. When I tell some people that I'm on bedrest or what not, or am not allowed to get up, the most common response I get is "I wish I had the excuse to not do anything" or "I'd love to have people wait on me"....which I guess makes sense, but frankly makes me really frustrated. I would give anything to have a body that isn't failing, and so many people take it for granted...anyways, another subject for possibly another time.

But when I am forced to do nothing but sit around I go nuts!! I hate being told I can't do anything. I get restless. Even some days I just get this crazy feeling of not being able to sit still and have to go something, whether it's go grocery shopping or just taking a random drive...just SOMETHING. I get restless. Just like now, I was studying for my midterm, then suddenly found myself scanning for new music and now I'm blogging. I don't think I can ever just do one thing at once. I get restless. A lot of people know I often don't sleep very well. I toss and turn most of the night, and often can't sleep because I can't turn my brain off. It's restless.

I feel like this constant restlessness also translates into my spiritual life, in ways I'm sure of, and some I'm not entirely sure how. I know that my constant restlessness in life needs to be taken to Christ. It's sort of like my last post, and a continuation of that in a way. We're called to take our burdens and worries to Him....including restlessness. I need to find my rest in Him. I have no choice but to find my strength in Him, because I literally can't count on myself to be strong physically, or emotionally for that matter...without His strength I couldn't get through a day. Or an hour. Down to seconds. It's becoming more and more prevalent that I'm being forced to find my rest in Him as well, because I sure as heck can't find it on my own.

Another potential factor of spiritual restlessness could in fact be positive. Really just a thought to throw out there. Could there be a good restless? One of the definitions is being ceaselessly moving and active....isn't that how our walk should be? We're called to never be complacent in our spiritual walk, to always be growing and becoming closer to Him. So do I consistently have that type of restlessness? Something to strive for, for sure.

Here's a song that was sung in church on Sunday that is currently really hitting home. Perhaps it strikes a chord with you as well.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xneqXUuH6U0