Done!!

It is still very surreal that as I type this I am no longer an undergraduate student. My "college" years are over. Yes, I'm going to be here for two more years as a graduate student, but it's just not the same.

Looking at my life now, and where I was when I started at Baylor four some years ago...I'm not even close to where I expected to be. I'm in a completely different place that I could have NEVER expected, yet there is no where else I would rather be. Coming to Baylor I had this grand plan for how my life would be when I graduated. I would make a 4.0 and get into the greatest medical school and become some crazy geneticist and find a cure for something incredible. I would have never imagined that I would have to take a semester off for major surgeries, switch my major to Nutrition, or be on a completely different career path.

But it has become incredibly apparent through my time in college that God has completely taken all my tiny plans for my life, crushed them and made them completely His own, and so much better than I could have dreamed. He has absolutely streamlined the path for me to be where I am, and I have absolutely no doubt that this is the direction He has always had for me. Despite both minor and major setbacks along the way, there were some pretty hopeless moments....but He has used those situations to grow me into the person He wants me to be, and now all the little pieces that threw me for years are finally fitting into a bigger puzzle and making sense.

During the ceremony today (while I was obviously hanging on every word that was being spoken) I found myself almost speechless, and just in awe of my college life. God has completely taken care of me and has never, ever left my side. Without His strength and love everyday I can say for an absolute fact there is no way I could have come this far.

For those that don't know, in January I am beginning my Master's degree here at Baylor. I also am working as a Diet Tech at a hospital here in town and am completely and irrevocably in love with my job. It's such a joy to love getting up and going to work, and being sad when I have to leave.

So here is my little graduation speech, and as cliche as it is...it's true. God has brought me through a momentous milestone in my life, and I cannot wait to see where He leads me.

Roots.

For the past couple weeks, and a few more to come, Kyle has been preaching over a series called Roots. Every single person at one point in their life or another comes across a storm of sorts, and just as the roots hold trees down during storms, we need to have a set of beliefs, or roots, to hold us down during our storms. Even during the sunny, happy times, roots keep you grounded...and without these truths to cling to, it would be incredibly easy to fall.

The first root was that the Bible is ENTIRELY reliable and spiritually medicinal.

It's important to have this one as the first root, because everything else builds on this. For you to really cling to the promises God has, you have to believe that His word is real, and reliable.

The second one Kyle spoke of today was incredibly convicting. And it is that nothing is random; God is the gate keeper for EVERYTHING in my life and He has good purposes in mind, and He is worthy of my trust.

The main verse we dug through today was Romans 8:28 which says "And we know that in ALL things God works for the good of those who love Him, who have been calling according to His purpose."

It's a short verse, but it's completely filled with truth. We have all been called to follow Him, and He absolutely wants the best for us. And this message sort of ties into the question of "Why do bad things happen to good people?" Just because we're followers of Christ does not mean our journey will be easy. In fact, several times in the Bible it says that we WILL face trials and tribulations, but to have comfort and peace in the knowledge that Christ has come to overcome the world, and our hope is to be found in Him. Bad things are going to happen, and though we may not have the big picture or reasons why at the time, God has a plan. Nothing sneaks by Him or goes unnoticed. Absolutely every single minute detail in your life has been planned, and God will use it for a greater purpose. And sometimes we may not know what that purpose is until we meet Him in Heaven.

The thing about today's message that really hit for me, was that sometimes looking at this verse it can seem like a vague promise. We are hard-wired to what to know the details of everything - why, when, and how. I especially do not like the unknown or unexpected, I want to prepared for everything and know what's going on. But it is a fine line with wanting to know answers, and accusing God. By needing to know why, when, and how something will be used is not fulling trusting God. And for me, being totally honest, that's a hard pill to swallow. Every single day I struggle with my body not functioning as it should, and wishing I could do things that I can't. And I've even been told straight up that I don't have enough faith because I have not been healed...which is not true at all!! But that's a whole other issue...I digress. I don't know why I have the diagnosis I do, or how God is going to use it for His glory....but I TRUST that this is all part of His plan for me. This acceptance has definitely not come easily, it's been one of the hardest battles of my life, and it is a daily struggle to trust Him. I would be lying if I said there weren't days when I literally cry out to God asking Him to take away my pain and this struggle that I don't want....but at the end of the day, I trust Him.

And it's not a single-issue problem, for me or anyone. Even trusting Him with the little things is important. That relationship you're not sure about, that person who hurt you so deeply, the loss of a loved one, your future plans....there is so much uncertainty in this broken world we live in, but we have to trust that God is sovereign and has a plan for everything. There is no random event that happens, no small thing slips past....EVERYTHING is planned. We may not see the why or how, or be assured of a date of when things will happen...but if it is God's good, pleasing, and perfect will for your life...it will happen. Trust.

Update!

Hello lovely readers!

It's been a while since I've had a health update, which is a bit ironic since it's the reason I've started this blog. But in a way, I love that it has become something so different than what I originally thought!

Anywhos. School has started up again and I have begun my last semester!!! It is surreal on twenty different levels, and super hard to believe I'm about to graduate! Still awaiting news on grad school....

And I have begun this last semester like a true slacker. I missed all my classes today for my neurologist appointment, which is bittersweet. Getting this appointment (which I made months ago) was a true blessing, and I'd rather miss the first day than a day close to finals when it's crucial I need to be in class, but I really like the first day! Getting to hear about the courses, the expectations for the semester, sometimes meeting new professors, is all part of the "first day" experience and I missed out on it! HOWEVER...the news I received at the doctor far outweighs my disappointment of missing the first day...

So the neurologist I went to see was new. He was recommended to me by my regular neurologist (who is pediatric, this one being an adult) to hopefully offer a fresh perspective, and to have someone I can fall back on when I go through random episodes and flares up. He recommended that I have a sleep study done, which now upon thinking about it, not sure why we haven't asked about that sooner. I hardly ever sleep, and am completely exhausted all the time which really just makes everything worse. So hopefully that will get scheduled soon, and they maybe find something!! I'm also taking a new type of medicine (yet again) to see if it helps with pain management. Here's praying it works.

BUT! The BIG news is that he said I am strong, doing well, and at this point am kind of static in progression. Which means there isn't much data at the moment showing him that I'm getting worse!!!! SUCHHHHH a blessing and a weight off to know I'm not progressing as much as we thought.

All in all, it was a fun little day trip for mom and I, and I am really excited about working with this doctor in the future and seeing what God has in store for me.

Even if.

Anyone who knows me well knows that I LOVE music. I love discovering new artists, or just listening, or playing. There's something so incredible about songs and their ability to take any emotion or situation and put it into a song, sometimes even when you can't find the proper words yourself. And it's an entirely different experience when you're going through something and "that" song comes on the radio or comes across your path that describes the situation perfectly, or its a message you needed to hear. One of these songs for me lately is the newest single from Kutless called "Even if".

This song basically describes my life, and I felt like sharing it, because I feel it describes almost everyone's life at some point, whether it be in the same way as mine or differently. The premise of the song is that even if healing doesn't come, God is still God and He is still faithful. For me, this song takes on a very literal meaning. I battle everyday with an incurable disease that I want to be healed from. But that isn't in God's timing for me right now, and hasn't in my 22 years thus far. But even if I go to my grave battling this disease, God is still faithful and hears my prayers. He still holds my life in His hand and is watching out for me, letting His plan unfold as I live each day.

This song doesn't have to be about physical healing, it could be emotional or spiritual. That friendship that burned you, the relationship that didn't work out, the loss of a life close to you....it hurts. Life hurts. But even if the healing doesn't come right away, or when we think it needs to...God is still faithful. It's hard sometimes to remember that during a trial, because we so often turn and think "If God is so great and faithful, why is He allowing this suffering?" It's all in His plan. We may not see the big picture right now, but I absolutely believe that every trial and tribulation, in addition to every celebration and smile, is a part of His glorious plan that is being carried out.

So today, even if the healing doesn't come....remember He is still faithful.


Watch the video here!

A choice.

Hope you're all staying cool in this crazy heat!

The past week or so I have been reading Captivating and the accompanying workbook, by John and Stasi Eldridge. This is one of my favorite books in the world, and I have given it to many of my girl friends as presents. If you haven't read it...seriously, you need to. I even know a guy friend who has read it, and the authors recommend girls read the guy book (Wild at Heart) so we can better understand how God has uniquely designed us, and how we oh so conveniently (or not) fit together.

This book has been just what I needed, and is forcing me to get real with God and the things I've been trying to push down for so long, and finally get the healing my heart needs. The healing that God desires for me. And for all of us! There are so many different issues I could talk about from the book (and probably will in future posts) but the one that hit me tonight is one I would like to share, as I have a slight suspicion I am not alone in my struggles.

Forgiveness.

That word alone could bring cringing, wanting to skip the rest of this blog, or perhaps peak interest. Its a big deal. One that easily gets pinned with typical "church" phrases like in the Lord's Prayer where it says to forgive us our debts, as we forgive our debtors (which actually is Col 3:13). And a lot of times I think we get the wrong idea about forgiveness...or at least I know I do. But this book put it in a really simple way, and honestly, one that I never really gave much thought to.

Forgiveness is such a crucial part to our lives, and at least for me, one that I don't really like giving much time to. It's hard. It forces hurt feelings and deep pain to surface. But until we forgive those who have hurt us, we are held captive by the messages that came with the wounds. Paul even warns us in Ephesians 4:31 and Hebrews 12:15 that forgiveness and bitterness not only can wreck our lives, but the lives of those around us. It is a choice, not a feeling. If you wait until you "feel" like forgiving someone - you never will. Now here comes the part that I never really thought about. Saying you forgive someone is NOT saying what they did didn't matter, and that it didn't hurt. It's is NOT saying "I probably deserved what happened." It in fact is saying "What you did was wrong, very wrong, and it hurt me deeply. And I release you. I give you to God." You're letting God take away all the pain and bitterness associated with whatever happened, and choosing to let Him hold that burden and not hold it inside and be prisoner to it.

It might also help to think of it as the person who hurt you so badly is pretty wounded themselves. They've had their heart broken and shattered just like you have, and they've fallen captive to the Enemy. Does that excuse what they did? Not at all. But it does help us to let them go, realizing that they are broken pieces being used by the Enemy to destroy us.

A very wise woman once told me that forgiveness was not for the offending person, but for me. That totally blew my mind! What?! They're the ones who screwed up. ME forgiving THEM is me getting on the higher road and letting them off the hook, right? No. Choosing to forgive someone is allowing God to take all the broken pieces of our hearts and put them back together, to take us in His arms, and to bring us home. It takes away the bitterness and pain from our hearts and allows us to move on and be closer to the One who always forgives us.

There are certainly people in my life that I am being held prisoner by because I haven't forgiven them. But I'm on the path of letting go. Is there someone in your life you need to forgive? If so, just pray that God would come and heal your heart. That He would take the wounds and shattered pieces and put them together and take away the bitterness and pain from those situations. It could be revolutionary.

HALTS

Happy Summer everyone!!! Hope whatever your plans are, that this post finds you well! Brinkley has certainly been keeping me busy, and it's truly like having a baby to take care of a puppy full time!! He brings such joy to me, and is a super funny dog though...so that makes potty training frustrating lessen a bit ;)

I have recently switched churches. It's been a long time coming, and a prayerful decision that has been covered with friendly advice. I've only been at my new church a week and I already love it! I'm already being challenged more than I have in months at my previous one. Tonight was the first time I went to the college Bible study, and it's exactly what I've been looking for, and the challenge I need. And I want to share that knowledge and challenge with you!

This summer the college pastor (hereafter referred to as Kyle!) is taking a movie as a basis for study each week. Now, let me ward off any suspicions of what I had thought when I heard that. He's not taking them and turning them into Bible stories or trying to prove that there are Christian symbols in movies or dissecting them to a "T". It is merely taking a storyline and building from that. Tonight's movie was Snow White and the Huntsmen....which about 3 people had seen. And according to Kyle, if you haven't seen it yet...don't. I was sort of on the fence about it myself and definitely don't plan to see it...or if I do, to only waste $1 and watch it through Redbox.

Anyway, I digress...

One of the main points of his message tonight was from 1 Peter 5:8-9a. For your convenience, here it is:

Be alert and of sober mind. Your enemy the devil prowls around like a roaring lion looking for someone to devour.  Resist him, standing firm in the faith.

We (myself included) must remember that as Christians we are fighting a war. Satan is our enemy and adversary as a default. Right now he has sent his little minions on YOU. Their assignment. As the verse says he is CONSTANTLY preying on you, looking for your weakness to exploit. Don't give him the satisfaction of a victory. So we must be alert and of sober mind...constantly on guard and resisting the temptation to give in to that weakness. One thing Kyle mentioned was an acronym that has stuck with me, and it will certainly stick with me as well. HALTS. Hungry, Angry, Lonely, Tired, Sick. Think about it! These situations are the ones in which we are most vulnerable! So in these states of mind we must be even more cautious and on guard for Satan to work against us.

Tonight really convicted me, and while I know you didn't hear his message, I hope it at least got you thinking. I have been in a vulnerable state quite frequently as of late, and have at times let Satan take advantage of that. But this verse is a good reminder and encouragement for everyone to guard their hearts and minds....and always remember we are at war, and not to let Satan win!

Brinkley!

I would be remiss if I did not formally introduce the new love of my life to you! Saturday morning I became the proud owner of Mr. Brinkley Walker :)

He is a mix of Havenese and Poodle...so yes, he's a havapoo. He is 9 weeks old, so still very young and sleepy, but he's starting to come around! He had his first check up today and he is healthy and looking good! He is slightly hypoglycemic because he isn't really eating much, so we're working on that! He is starting to teeth so he is chewing on EVERYTHING!!!

He truly is so great already. He is super chill and loves to lay down and be held, but he can also be active and play around with his toys. What's funny is even when he's throwing around a toy...he's silent. The dog doesn't make a sound! Haha, the only time he cries or whines is if he can't see me or I leave the room. So we need to work on that too, which I'm assuming will get better in time! I think he is going to be pretty funny, as he already is. His favorite spot is on the couch with his head in between the cushions or in between pillows. And when he sleeps (as you can see below) he always puts his head in funny positions...I feel like he's going to hurt his little neck!!

Brinkley has been so much fun already, and I am excited to see how his personality changes as he yes older. I am always up for hearing any puppy tips anyone has as well!! It has been 16 years since I've had a puppy, and as a six year old you really don't help out much, so I'm basically doing this for the first time!!