No doubt at some point in your life you've been told, or have told someone else "everything happens for a reason." I secretly have always hated that phrase, but as cliché as it sounds, it's true.
I know several times in my life, heck - within the past couple of years - I've wondered why certain events have happened. Why certain friendships didn't/weren't panning out like I had planned, why a job didn't work out, why what seems like the most incredible opportunity just falls through. And of course, I wanted answers....all anyone could tell me was that it was happening for a reason. During these times in my life that was the LAST thing I wanted to hear.
Sunday was a really hard day for me. It was the 2 year anniversary of my grandmother's passing. I d on't understand why she was taken when she was, or why her life ended the way it did. I'll never get to share Baylor with her. She and I are the only Baylor bears in the family, and it would have been so special to share that with her. She won't be at my wedding. It was just a hard, sad day. But I've learned it's okay to have those down days - as long as you get back up again.
And thinking about it today, in the past couple years I've also gotten some answers as well. Definitely not all the answers, and I never will have some answers...but some situations just make sense now. I can see that I'm better off for those situations not working out how I originally wanted, and in retrospect I'm thankful for it.
The table can go the other way too. I can't tell you why I was blessed with INCREDIBLE parents who have my back no matter what, when other people don't. I can't tell you how I got into my dream college and am getting an incredible education, when others aren't.
All this to say, I don't know why things happen - good or bad. Some things I'm learning to accept that I will never know. But one thing I do know - I have a God who has ordained it all. I have a God who is going to stand by me in the good times, and carry me in the hard times. He knows the reasons for everything, and His plan is PERFECT.
As cliché as it sounds, there is a reason for everything. And as each new day passes, I'm learning to accept that, and just how true it really is.
Tuesday, April 19, 2011
Monday, March 28, 2011
What's Under Your Dresser?
Yesterday at church we had college Sunday. The college ministry was in charge of leading the whole service, and my college pastor gave a message...one that really convicted me. Cliff note version of the sermon: When Jeff (my pastor) was younger, one particular night at bed time he was paralyzed with the gripping fear that whatever was under his dresser was going to decapitate him or come out guns/swords/blades flinging the moment his eyes shut to go to sleep. After much deliberation about his options on getting out alive, he managed to get his parents to come in to stop the villain. Turns out his terrifying assassin under his dresser was a pair of jeans he had worn the previous day.
He used this as an illustration as a parallel to our lives, and how sometime so small can be terrifying, and that gripping fear can stop us from pursuing God wholeheartedly, or stop us from following the path He has prepared for us. So, naturally the question was raised "What fear is keeping you away?" And then several college students brought a physical item that was representative of their fears, and they were scattered across the alter so that people could respond to God through prayer, near the items that were representative of their fears.
There were several different fears, ranging from public speaking to disappointing loved ones, and future uncertainty to exhaustion. That got me thinking....if I were asked to bring a physical item representing what stops me from being all that God has for me, what would it be?
A brace.
Having MD is hard. There are no easy days. I have to work twice as hard just to keep up with people on their slow days. A lot of the time I wonder how God is using me to glorify Him. How can I, ME, do anything to further His great, pleasing, and perfect plan? I'm just a broken person who has a disability. I don't feel worthy enough to be included in something so amazing. But regardless of my imperfections, Christ is shown through them and shows His strength in an even bigger way. I don't know what God's plan for me is. I don't know how He is going to use me for His kingdom.....but I do know that He will.
So the question is....what is under your dresser, that's holding you back?
He used this as an illustration as a parallel to our lives, and how sometime so small can be terrifying, and that gripping fear can stop us from pursuing God wholeheartedly, or stop us from following the path He has prepared for us. So, naturally the question was raised "What fear is keeping you away?" And then several college students brought a physical item that was representative of their fears, and they were scattered across the alter so that people could respond to God through prayer, near the items that were representative of their fears.
There were several different fears, ranging from public speaking to disappointing loved ones, and future uncertainty to exhaustion. That got me thinking....if I were asked to bring a physical item representing what stops me from being all that God has for me, what would it be?
A brace.
Having MD is hard. There are no easy days. I have to work twice as hard just to keep up with people on their slow days. A lot of the time I wonder how God is using me to glorify Him. How can I, ME, do anything to further His great, pleasing, and perfect plan? I'm just a broken person who has a disability. I don't feel worthy enough to be included in something so amazing. But regardless of my imperfections, Christ is shown through them and shows His strength in an even bigger way. I don't know what God's plan for me is. I don't know how He is going to use me for His kingdom.....but I do know that He will.
So the question is....what is under your dresser, that's holding you back?
Thursday, March 17, 2011
How Thick is the Ice?
This verse and story were the basis of my devotion this morning, and it really made me think...hopefully it speaks to you as well!
Those words, though easy sounding and perhaps cliche, carry a lot of weight. Something I've been struggling with a lot - letting Him do. He will do it ALL for me. And you. Not part of it, or give you a push in the right direction...He will do it ALL. He already has and continues to on a daily basis. We are standing on ice so thick that nothing can break it, and someone (you may never know who) is jumping for joy as they see you thundering across the frozen river. Not only is this illustration encouraging and comforting because I am yet again reminded that nothing can separate me from God, and that no crappy thing I go through will be the end of me because I have Him. But it's also convicting. When I'm going through situations that are hard, and require me to be forged in the fire, do I lay down hoping to slowly crawl across - or do I trust in the unbelievable power of my God? When others see my life and the situations I go through, are they jumping for joy that I am running freely across the river, or are they terrified as I try to do it alone and crawl slowly? Do people see Christ in my life? Do they see me overcoming my situations through His strength?
Think about that today.
Philippians 1:12-14 (The Message) "I want to report to you, friends, that my imprisonment here has had the opposite of its intended effect. Instead of being squelched, the Message has actually prospered. All the soldiers here, and everyone else, too, found out that I'm in jail because of this Messiah. That piqued their curiosity, and now they've learned all about him. Not only that, but most of the followers of Jesus here have become far more sure of themselves in the faith than ever, speaking out fearlessly about God, about the Messiah."
Their cabin was on the river across from the general store. The only crossing was a full day's journey down stream in the best of weather, but with this early winter snowstorm the trip would be totally impossible. The pioneer life was new to them and they had fared pretty well until the sickness sweeping through their little community touched his beloved wife, Lillian. Time was short and he knew he had only two options: he could stay by her side until the grim reaper gathered her into his arms, or he could risk crossing the river on the ice to the store to get the medication needed to save her. But he knew nothing about ice. Would it hold his weight? Could he make it to the other side and back in time? What to do? Better to give his life trying to save her than to see her suffer so terribly until death. He kissed her tenderly, stoked the fire, and softly closed the door as he left the cabin.
He stretched himself out on the ice, thinking that distributing his weight evenly would be the best way to assure himself that he could crawl across. Even tiny creaks terrified him. He just knew the ice was breaking! When he was only a few yards out there was this horrible noise! The ice! It's cracking! I can't make it! It's all over for me! God take Lillian quickly, please. Don't let her suffer.
The noise came closer and he held his breath waiting to be crushed and thrust into the icy waters. But when he looked up, there was this wagon full of wood pulled by two stout horses galloping across the ice! He jumped up and down, shouting for joy and ran across the river...and they lived happily ever after.
Why was he jubilant? Why this sudden burst of confidence? What changed his fears to joy? Seeing someone else cross the ice before him, with a lot more weight than his.
God knows us intimately. He knows every hurt, every joy. He lets us see others facing circumstances like ours or even more stressful, and how they overcome. He lets a wagon full of wood pulled by 2 huge horses gallop by and we say "They did it! They made it! It's safe! Praise God!" And we jump for joy! Why? We still have to cross the river on the scary ice, but someone has gone before us and proven to us just how thick the ice is.
He gives us encouragement. He gives us strength. He says "You have seen Me bring them safely through their crisis. Trust Me. I will do it all for you."
Those words, though easy sounding and perhaps cliche, carry a lot of weight. Something I've been struggling with a lot - letting Him do. He will do it ALL for me. And you. Not part of it, or give you a push in the right direction...He will do it ALL. He already has and continues to on a daily basis. We are standing on ice so thick that nothing can break it, and someone (you may never know who) is jumping for joy as they see you thundering across the frozen river. Not only is this illustration encouraging and comforting because I am yet again reminded that nothing can separate me from God, and that no crappy thing I go through will be the end of me because I have Him. But it's also convicting. When I'm going through situations that are hard, and require me to be forged in the fire, do I lay down hoping to slowly crawl across - or do I trust in the unbelievable power of my God? When others see my life and the situations I go through, are they jumping for joy that I am running freely across the river, or are they terrified as I try to do it alone and crawl slowly? Do people see Christ in my life? Do they see me overcoming my situations through His strength?
Think about that today.
Thursday, March 10, 2011
Love language.
Everyone has a love language - a way they both express love to others, and feel love from others. Some (like me) have more than one. If you don't know what yours is, a really quick and easy way to find out is taking this quiz. It's a website and quiz produced by the author of the 5 Love Languages book, and it takes like five minutes for the quiz, but well worth it. Understanding how to connect with other people through their love language can quite literally change your relationship with them entirely, making it so much closer than you can imagine!
All this to say....I have 2 very high scores...physical touch, and quality time. People who know me know that this is how I live my life in every aspect. I am an extremely huggy person, and I love spending time with those closest to me. When someone wants to spend time with me, or we graduate from just saying hi to saying hi with a hug, I feel amazing! All this to say...love languages shape each person in a particular way. It's how they want to be comforted in hard times, it's how they want to celebrate in the good times.
One particular friendship, a lifelong one, weighs heavy on my heart tonight. I wish so much that I could just get this person to understand what their actions are doing to everyone around them...yet all they see is themselves. It's incredibly frustrating, upsetting, unnerving, and about 500 other words. Yet through the anger and tears....I found myself praying for God to just hold me...pause...
Side story. You know how on Christian radio stations during commercial breaks they have audio of callers saying that they were going through X event, and they turned on the radio to hear a song that was absolutely perfect for the moment? That's never happened to me. In secret, I always wished it would. I mean what an incredible moment of a God-incidence (not to be confused with a coincidence). Like an audible way for God to speak to you. Well...tonight, I got that moment.
And no lie a few minutes after that prayer...this song came on. It's a brand new song from a brand new artist, a song that has probably on been on the radio a few times. I personally had never heard it. But it was so perfect and is everything I'm thinking right now. I'm tired of being angry. I'm tired of useless frustration that does nothing but makes it worse on my end. I just want to be held. How lucky am I, that I have a God whose arms are ALWAYS open, and ready for me to run into?
All this to say....I have 2 very high scores...physical touch, and quality time. People who know me know that this is how I live my life in every aspect. I am an extremely huggy person, and I love spending time with those closest to me. When someone wants to spend time with me, or we graduate from just saying hi to saying hi with a hug, I feel amazing! All this to say...love languages shape each person in a particular way. It's how they want to be comforted in hard times, it's how they want to celebrate in the good times.
One particular friendship, a lifelong one, weighs heavy on my heart tonight. I wish so much that I could just get this person to understand what their actions are doing to everyone around them...yet all they see is themselves. It's incredibly frustrating, upsetting, unnerving, and about 500 other words. Yet through the anger and tears....I found myself praying for God to just hold me...pause...
Side story. You know how on Christian radio stations during commercial breaks they have audio of callers saying that they were going through X event, and they turned on the radio to hear a song that was absolutely perfect for the moment? That's never happened to me. In secret, I always wished it would. I mean what an incredible moment of a God-incidence (not to be confused with a coincidence). Like an audible way for God to speak to you. Well...tonight, I got that moment.
And no lie a few minutes after that prayer...this song came on. It's a brand new song from a brand new artist, a song that has probably on been on the radio a few times. I personally had never heard it. But it was so perfect and is everything I'm thinking right now. I'm tired of being angry. I'm tired of useless frustration that does nothing but makes it worse on my end. I just want to be held. How lucky am I, that I have a God whose arms are ALWAYS open, and ready for me to run into?
Tuesday, March 1, 2011
Restless.
Anyone who knows me well knows I don't sit still well. I feel like this has been a pretty major problem in the last fifteen months specifically....both physically and spiritually. My mentality in everything I do is to do it my best, and to do it like everyone else....to excel past everyone's expectations for me. I want to be at the optimal level of activity that I still can be, for as long as I can. Because at some point, some vague point in time, I won't be able to anymore. Even in the past couple months I've notice significant loss. (I blogged about it here if you need a refresher) And the last 3 surgeries that I've had in the past year have led to a combined time of about 6.5 months of non-weight bearing time. Major suckage. When I tell some people that I'm on bedrest or what not, or am not allowed to get up, the most common response I get is "I wish I had the excuse to not do anything" or "I'd love to have people wait on me"....which I guess makes sense, but frankly makes me really frustrated. I would give anything to have a body that isn't failing, and so many people take it for granted...anyways, another subject for possibly another time.
But when I am forced to do nothing but sit around I go nuts!! I hate being told I can't do anything. I get restless. Even some days I just get this crazy feeling of not being able to sit still and have to go something, whether it's go grocery shopping or just taking a random drive...just SOMETHING. I get restless. Just like now, I was studying for my midterm, then suddenly found myself scanning for new music and now I'm blogging. I don't think I can ever just do one thing at once. I get restless. A lot of people know I often don't sleep very well. I toss and turn most of the night, and often can't sleep because I can't turn my brain off. It's restless.
I feel like this constant restlessness also translates into my spiritual life, in ways I'm sure of, and some I'm not entirely sure how. I know that my constant restlessness in life needs to be taken to Christ. It's sort of like my last post, and a continuation of that in a way. We're called to take our burdens and worries to Him....including restlessness. I need to find my rest in Him. I have no choice but to find my strength in Him, because I literally can't count on myself to be strong physically, or emotionally for that matter...without His strength I couldn't get through a day. Or an hour. Down to seconds. It's becoming more and more prevalent that I'm being forced to find my rest in Him as well, because I sure as heck can't find it on my own.
Another potential factor of spiritual restlessness could in fact be positive. Really just a thought to throw out there. Could there be a good restless? One of the definitions is being ceaselessly moving and active....isn't that how our walk should be? We're called to never be complacent in our spiritual walk, to always be growing and becoming closer to Him. So do I consistently have that type of restlessness? Something to strive for, for sure.
Here's a song that was sung in church on Sunday that is currently really hitting home. Perhaps it strikes a chord with you as well.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xneqXUuH6U0
But when I am forced to do nothing but sit around I go nuts!! I hate being told I can't do anything. I get restless. Even some days I just get this crazy feeling of not being able to sit still and have to go something, whether it's go grocery shopping or just taking a random drive...just SOMETHING. I get restless. Just like now, I was studying for my midterm, then suddenly found myself scanning for new music and now I'm blogging. I don't think I can ever just do one thing at once. I get restless. A lot of people know I often don't sleep very well. I toss and turn most of the night, and often can't sleep because I can't turn my brain off. It's restless.
I feel like this constant restlessness also translates into my spiritual life, in ways I'm sure of, and some I'm not entirely sure how. I know that my constant restlessness in life needs to be taken to Christ. It's sort of like my last post, and a continuation of that in a way. We're called to take our burdens and worries to Him....including restlessness. I need to find my rest in Him. I have no choice but to find my strength in Him, because I literally can't count on myself to be strong physically, or emotionally for that matter...without His strength I couldn't get through a day. Or an hour. Down to seconds. It's becoming more and more prevalent that I'm being forced to find my rest in Him as well, because I sure as heck can't find it on my own.
Another potential factor of spiritual restlessness could in fact be positive. Really just a thought to throw out there. Could there be a good restless? One of the definitions is being ceaselessly moving and active....isn't that how our walk should be? We're called to never be complacent in our spiritual walk, to always be growing and becoming closer to Him. So do I consistently have that type of restlessness? Something to strive for, for sure.
Here's a song that was sung in church on Sunday that is currently really hitting home. Perhaps it strikes a chord with you as well.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xneqXUuH6U0
Tuesday, February 15, 2011
Counter Intuitive.
Hello! Long time no talk. So much has happened in the new year since I last blogged, but at the same time it doesn't seem like a lot has. Seems like the theme of contradictions is covering this post more than I thought. Brief summary of the past 2 months: I had surgery January 6, and it went well! As probably should have been expected, though I gave my all to fight it, my recovery lasted longer than I wanted to. I ended up staying at my house for the first week of classes, and my mom got to be a student for a week and drive me and take me to each class, and one of my best friends was kind enough to make sure I got to all the KXA rush events. Speaking of KXA, we have since had rush, and have 34 new members!!! I have 2 grandlittles!!! (when did I get so old?!) and SING starts this weekend! So that pretty much brings me back to right now...
I tend to be a major ball of stress most of the time...but I feel like the past couple weeks have been way past my normal level of stress. And I feel like tonight at KXA meeting, with the devo from our chaplain, that I just feel really convicted about it. In the past couple weeks I have hit my breaking point several times, and thanks to the help of an AMAZING person in my life, I was called out on trying to handle it myself. And tonight, I was called out again for doing it myself. But when you think about it....it's counter intuitive.
I have a direct line to a God who is bigger than anything. Bigger than all the troubles and burdens of EVERY SINGLE PERSON EVER. Even those who haven't even been born yet! And so many times in His Word He comes right out and asks for me to give him my burdens. To cast all my anxieties on Him, so that I don't have to hold them myself. I'm being asked to give away my cares and be completely burdenless and carefree....but I CHOOSE not to. I CHOOSE to keep it all to myself and have this enormous weight on me all the time. Why?! Why is it SO hard to let go?!
I suck at surrendering. I have this crazy idea in my head that if I am vulnerable enough to tell someone that I'm struggling and have to take off my brave face, it will be seen as a weakness. I already have enough weakness that I can't control, so why would I add to it with emotional weakness? Yet here I am spilling my guts out (to some extent) for whoever decides to read this.
Yet another thing I'm being convicted of right now is yet another thing that seems counter intuitive to me, and I can't even place a name for it. I lately have gotten incredibly frustrated, yet again, with people around me in relation to my circumstances. I have to fight so hard everyday, and have to fight to get the same opportunities that everyone else automatically gets...and it just makes me mad sometimes. Not just because I have to fight, which gets so unbelievably tiring, but because others complain so much and don't seem to understand that I and others like me would give ANYTHING to get the chance to do what they're merely settling to do. But at the same time, no matter how much right I think I have to be frustrated, or how understandable it is....am I wasting what time I do have on being angry? At least for now, I should be enjoying what abilities I do have, instead of being angry about what I've already lost. I don't even know if that makes sense. I don't really think it makes sense in my head either. As strange as it sounds, it's almost easier to be frustrated and angry then it is to be happy and excited when it comes to my MD. But I guess that just shows which path I should go down ( and want to go down!) because most of the time the right thing isn't easy.
Sorry if that is so jumbled and doesn't make sense. But that's what is going through my brain and heart right now...well, that's the short version. God is going to use these frustrations to fuel me in some other way...I just wish I knew when and where...in the mean time I am going to try to surrender and not handle the burden alone.
I tend to be a major ball of stress most of the time...but I feel like the past couple weeks have been way past my normal level of stress. And I feel like tonight at KXA meeting, with the devo from our chaplain, that I just feel really convicted about it. In the past couple weeks I have hit my breaking point several times, and thanks to the help of an AMAZING person in my life, I was called out on trying to handle it myself. And tonight, I was called out again for doing it myself. But when you think about it....it's counter intuitive.
I have a direct line to a God who is bigger than anything. Bigger than all the troubles and burdens of EVERY SINGLE PERSON EVER. Even those who haven't even been born yet! And so many times in His Word He comes right out and asks for me to give him my burdens. To cast all my anxieties on Him, so that I don't have to hold them myself. I'm being asked to give away my cares and be completely burdenless and carefree....but I CHOOSE not to. I CHOOSE to keep it all to myself and have this enormous weight on me all the time. Why?! Why is it SO hard to let go?!
I suck at surrendering. I have this crazy idea in my head that if I am vulnerable enough to tell someone that I'm struggling and have to take off my brave face, it will be seen as a weakness. I already have enough weakness that I can't control, so why would I add to it with emotional weakness? Yet here I am spilling my guts out (to some extent) for whoever decides to read this.
Yet another thing I'm being convicted of right now is yet another thing that seems counter intuitive to me, and I can't even place a name for it. I lately have gotten incredibly frustrated, yet again, with people around me in relation to my circumstances. I have to fight so hard everyday, and have to fight to get the same opportunities that everyone else automatically gets...and it just makes me mad sometimes. Not just because I have to fight, which gets so unbelievably tiring, but because others complain so much and don't seem to understand that I and others like me would give ANYTHING to get the chance to do what they're merely settling to do. But at the same time, no matter how much right I think I have to be frustrated, or how understandable it is....am I wasting what time I do have on being angry? At least for now, I should be enjoying what abilities I do have, instead of being angry about what I've already lost. I don't even know if that makes sense. I don't really think it makes sense in my head either. As strange as it sounds, it's almost easier to be frustrated and angry then it is to be happy and excited when it comes to my MD. But I guess that just shows which path I should go down ( and want to go down!) because most of the time the right thing isn't easy.
Sorry if that is so jumbled and doesn't make sense. But that's what is going through my brain and heart right now...well, that's the short version. God is going to use these frustrations to fuel me in some other way...I just wish I knew when and where...in the mean time I am going to try to surrender and not handle the burden alone.
Saturday, January 1, 2011
2010!
As is my tradition, here is a list of the things I found most memorable in 2010. Any additions are welcome :)
Having surgery
Taking the semester off because of said surgery
Haiti earthquake
Getting THE coolest little ever!
Starting a blog
The healthcare craziness in Congress
Having the worst semi formal ever
Tyler coming home to visit
One year anniversary of my grandmother passing
Surgery again
Infection from said surgery
BP oil spill
Getting my first job
Turning 21
Going to New York!
Having to quit my first job
Tyler coming home for Christmas
Baylor going to a bowl game!!
I feel like this year has been an INSANE year of change. My world physically has been turned upside down, my life plans have come crashing down and have had to be rebuilt, and I feel like I have lost many friendships. Maybe not lost in all cases, but severely distorted or changed so that they will never be the same. I never expected anything that happened this year to happen, yet it did. So what is to come in 2011? Only one way to find out...
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
