Learning to Walk

Tonight was my favorite night of the week....it was Vertical night :) Seriously, I don't know what I ever did before Vertical. It is just such an amazing experience every week. Getting away from the stress and craziness of life and being surrounded by my peers who truly love God and getting to worship is an awe-inspiring time for me to get back in check at the beginning of every week.

Tonight Afshin wasn't there again, but Jeff Mangum came and he was awesome, and really funny! But he talked about something that seems to be a recurring theme in my life these past couple months: plans and loving people with God's heart.

Look at Matthew 9:35-38. If you don't want to look it up, it's the passage about their being a harvest with few workers. This shows SUCH a gap between the way God looks at people, and the way we look at people. God does everything FOR people. He has compassion FOR people, feels FOR them. We, on the other hand, usually just go for what we can get out of a friendship.

We went through the whole Bible from Genesis to Revelation (reeeaallly quickly) and saw over and over how God blesses His people, and they turn it on themselves and screw it up. I have a ton of references we talked about if you want them.

Basically it boils down to God consistently saying "I love you" and humanity saying "I love me too".

James 4:13-17 was the other passage we looked at, and one that really hit home with me. We always invite God to be a part of OUR plan instead of being a part of His. And when it doesn't turn out the way we planned, we question Him. "I thought you were a loving God who cared about my happiness? Why isn't this working out like I planned?" Face it, we all do it. We have temper tentrums when God doesn't serve us.

We need to live with a sense of urgency...with our hope in what comes after this life, instead of getting so caught up in the things of this world and keeping up with everyone around us. Paul was an amazing example of having his hope somewhere else. I mean, you can't mess with this dude! Jeff made a really funny joke of it tonight, but it's totally true. How do you mess with someone like him?

"We're gonna kill you." Ok, you killed my Savior and I'll be going to be with him.
"Ok, we're not going to kill you, just torture you." You tortured Him, so bring it!
"Um...ok. We're not going to do anything," Sweet, I don't like pain anyway!

You can't beat that! You can't mess up that thinking! Man, I wish I could think that way.

What Jeff said that REALLY hit me hard tonight, was when he was talking about plans. He was talking about his wife being Type A and making lists and notes and asked his Type A people to raise their hands, then made a joke they couldn't because they were still writing...and that's what I was doing! I am such a planner. The story about his wife (I'll be happy to tell it to you, it's just too long to type) was exactly how I am. She went through a really rough time, and wasn't even upset so much by the event that occured, but was upset that it messed up her plan and wasn't how she had it all worked out. You can look in my first blog posts and see that's exactly where I am this semester. I wasn't even so much worried about the surgery part. It's not like it's a major reconstructive, life changing surgery or anything....no, I was worried about what was going to happen. Taking a semester off was definitely not part of my plan and it through everything off, leaving me unsure of what to do.

I began writing this blog to journal my recovery and my disease...to talk out what God has planned for me during this time in my life. More and more he's showing me that my plans mean nothing. He is in complete control and His plan is the one I need to be following, not my little blueprint for my life and how I want it to go. That's a hard pill to swallow, especially for me. It's something I am constantly having to work on and accept.

And while I'm on the subject of surgery, I'm about to say something that is really hard for me. My surgery is now exactly 3 weeks away. It's becoming a reality that I'm about to do this whole painful process over again.....and I'm scared. I know what to expect this time, which is helpful for some things, but absolutely terrifying in others. I know how much it's going to hurt, I am constantly remembering all the sleepless nights from pain and not being able to get up for 2 months....having my independence taken completely away. I mean for the first couple weeks I won't even be able to sit up by myself. I pride myself in my independence, and having that taken away is one of the hardest things for me. Having to depend on other people is really hard for me. Not to mention that this is the most painful surgery I've ever had...and while I am a veteran with this being my 8th surgery, that doesn't make it any easier.

I know that in the long run this is going to be awesome. I'm already seeing results from the last one that make me want to cry tears of joy. Just today I was telling someone that for the first time in my life I made a footprint that was like everyone else's, and I was beaming. This is going to make me more normal, and have less pain. But in order for that to happen, pain has to happen. No pain, no gain I suppose.

God has a plan for all this. He's got this. I know that, and am daily trying to embrace it. If you could pray that I am not anxious and scared, that would be sweet. I really appreciate it and love you all :)